It is really humbling to have been so hard working, over so many years in so many ways and still hit the mat so much.
I have seen so many folks come, work hard, get much better, then work again or have lives.
So for the amount of effort that I have consistently put in, it is embarrassing to be one of the slowest learners, and the slowest in healing.
My recovery is so much more humble.
This is a useful thread.
I have worked intensely hard on my recovery and still struggle with CPTSD.
I constantly need to learn new methods. I recently learnt that my continuously trying to fix my self had me caught in a loop. But if I didn't do what I do I wouldn't be here now. But I have stepped out of this loop for today.
I need the rest then energy comes back.
I lie on my yoga mat and do the tiniest movements.
I am still sticking with therapy, doing what I talk about there, doing the work that I can manage.
I was so fragmented and dissociated. So recent years have been connecting up with myself. That was with a counsellor. It took a long time for me to connect to myself.
So to me there's fight, flight, freeze, fawn and fragment.
My challenges were the freeze, fawn and fragment. My fawn is such an automatic response. I am noticing it more.
I also have had to be on medication. Substantial amounts. That is not going to change. I may go to a lower dose but I cannot go off it.
It has almost been a year since Cyclone Alfred came through and seven months since the next door house burnt down. I lost most of my belongings. I am experiencing constant extreme weather events and when I went away to care for K I got a break from that. It helped.
I am in a relationship where there is coercive financial control and I didn't realise that until recently. So that is embarrassing because I have been in an automatic fawn.
My symptoms vary so much from time to time. It is challenging.
I am trying Kristin Neff's Self Compassion.
Deep listening is a gift, so I practice that.
The wisdom of deep listening: Miriam Rose Ungunmerr-Baumann and Fleur Magick Dennis - ABC listen
I am in nature a bit - but it has been hard to exercise in extreme heat or torrential downfall. There is a mall I could walk in but it has four major flash flooding areas on the road to get there and back. So I got kind of trapped in the caravan for an extended period of time.
I listen to music.
Mindful walking is better than sitting meditation for me.
I have to get on top of trigger loops as fast as I can.
I don't have alot of energy at times, so I maintain some texting friendships.
I go to the Yarning Circle with the local Indigenous Elders at time to listen. I am part of a group of Jews against genocide (the Jewish Council of Australia). I am part of giving very small hand made support to a couple of Palestinians, Arabs and Muslims who I know. Very small things.
I keep saying to myself "I am doing the best that I can. I am really do the best that I can, and that is good enough".
Sleeping is really hard for me and I have improved immensely but it is a struggle. And I wake up, wrap and ice pack, put it on the back of my neck and go back to sleep.
Eating is an issue as well. There's a few layers to it as well.
And being in close quarters in a caravan is very difficult.
Binge watching a series can really give me a brain break, which is useful.
I am Irish in ancestry so I am learning my language and those connections.
There's a lot of trauma trapped in my body, and my ability to release it is very small amounts slowly.
Resting is important. My expectations for what I could do were unrealistic.
I had to learn how to be so much more connected and that happened in relationship. I have a delicate blend of insecure, disorganised and avoidant attachment.
Honesty is important.
My abuse started as a baby/toddler so there is no self to return to, so I am learning to be different versions of myself now. To grow as an adult in small ways.
My life is very humble. It is the best that I can do. I really am putting my all in. It is the best I can do. I am trying to accept that this is enough.
