In Huge Need For Some Some Quick Help.

[barrierbuilder]

I'm new here and I really just need some quick advice. I was abused by my father for years, I finally after almost being beaten to death one day, was sent back to school and because it was almost impossible to hide, I decided I shouldn't hide it at all and I spoke to my principal who called the cops. A year later I let a boyfriend abuse me for half a year or something, I figured that most people would hurt me anyway so maybe I shouldn't give a crap about myself.
Now 3.5 years since I left my fathers house, I found the love of my life, we got engaged, but heres the catch, my PTSD wont let me be happy, I was so afraid to have him hurt me that I hurt him first. We're taking a month break away from eachother so I can figure out what to do and so he can heal from what we both went through with fighting and such.
How can I deal with this and learn to trust people so that I wont be so defensive?
Or really any tips at all would be appreciated.

 

[SimplyComplex]

lots and lots of therapy (that is the real quick version)

 

[Heather]

Unfortunately, what you're looking for :QUICK. You're not going to find. Especially when it comes to dealing with years of abuse. Sorry, that's just the reality of the situation.

Have you sought any counseling to deal with your issues? i.e. trust, anger, self-worth etc. etc.? That might be a good place to start.

It starts with you. You need to get yourself in order before you can take on anyone else. At least that's the way I see it.

Good Luck. Heather

 

[Ted Moen]

The challenge is to do what you would do if the intense feelings were not there. It normally takes a lot of practice and theraputic support, but there's no better time to start. Imagine the partner you want to be and act that image out. Doing so will trigger some really intense feelings and everything will feel all wrong, but try to stick to the image. When it doesn't work, forgive yourself and get back to your image. That is the process. A good therapist can help a lot.

Ted

 

[Zemi]

Hi Barrierbuilder, glad you found the forum. It would be really nice if there were quick and easy answers but it seems that instead it takes time, it takes hard work, it takes being prepared to risk more hurt to heal and it takes therapy and support. Taking a look around here and reading through some of the different threads will probably help as far as giving insight as well. One tip that I'm working on is trying to respond to things rather than just react; as in, when something happens instead of going with my automatic thought and reaction trying to process it more and think things through and then respond (hopefully in a healthier way than I would have earlier); again this seems to be taking time and hard work to do though. Hope you do put the time in and get the help you need and stick around here :)

 

[Spero3]

Barrierbuilder,

Your post could have been written by me. I am currently in a relationship with a woman who is also the love of my life. Twice I have hurt her badly, because I so afraid of being hurt, I hurt her first. I am working hard on dealing with the mistrust and hurt that causes me to lash out and hurt her first. She is loving, kind and very good to me, but my head goes to a dark place at times. I was physically and emotionally abused and neglected by my mother from the time I was very little. I have serious trust issues and a lot of anger. I am using meditation, breathing, "disruptive" tools that interrupt the negative thoughts. I dissociate a lot which makes it hard. I recommend therapy with someone who can actively help you come up with ways to interrupt the thoughts that cause you to get scared/angry. I would also suggest talking to your boyfriend when you are calm and practice talking to him about your feelings. If you can do this when you are calm, you will slowly learn to do it when you are upset. I am working on just saying simple things like, "I am scared," or "I am angry." That opens the door.

Spero

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi Barrierbuilder, your post could have been written by me too, especially right now as I just had a heartbreaking row with my fiance about how I don't know who I am or how to quit being these people I don't like.

My game plan is lots of self-awareness, self-building (like what Ted was saying), and THERAPY (like Heather was saying). I agree that this can't be a quick process if it is to be a sincere change. I have tried to change myself into something else many times too quickly, more like lying than developing and growing, and found out that I'm living a lie way too late for me to fix all of the time I spent in that lie. I am working on NOT creating the image of myself that I THINK other people want me to be but rather the person who I would like to see myself become FOR ME.

I hope this is helpful.

 

[Dagmar]

I'm new here and I really just need some quick advice. I was abused by my father for years, I finally after almost being beaten to death one day, was sent back to school and because it was almost impossible to hide, I decided I shouldn't hide it at all and I spoke to my principal who called the cops. A year later I let a boyfriend abuse me for half a year or something, I figured that most people would hurt me anyway so maybe I shouldn't give a crap about myself.
Now 3.5 years since I left my fathers house, I found the love of my life, we got engaged, but heres the catch, my PTSD wont let me be happy, I was so afraid to have him hurt me that I hurt him first. We're taking a month break away from eachother so I can figure out what to do and so he can heal from what we both went through with fighting and such.
How can I deal with this and learn to trust people so that I wont be so defensive?
Or really any tips at all would be appreciated.

I feel for you because I have lived the past 40 years unable to trust, I delibertly pushed away anyone that tried to get close and succeeded.I never found the right kind of therapist though. I believe if I had I wouldnt be a dead woman walking alone in fear Look for a therapist that you can feel comfortable with and follow through with him or her no matter how long it takes. If this is the man of your life he will wait patiently while you put your past abuse in the trash.Good Luck sweety.

 

[Spero3]

You put it beautifully when you said..."change myself into something else many times too quickly, more like lying." Those are powerful words. :) I did the same thing.

Spero