In laws and private life

[Zeekayk]

So my in laws are very toxic people and they just like to gossip. My career life is very personal to me. I don't even want to tell them where i work because then I'd keep having anxiety. My husband doesn't understand and thinks i should just tell them the truth. But I don't want to, i know it isn't good for my health.

Do i tell them straight forward "i dont want to tell you where I'm working"
or "my career life is personal and I don't want to share it with you"
or i just dont go at all. What do u think?
Whatever my husband thinks, its not my responsibility. My responsibility is my health and my health is not sharing what I don't want to share. Therefore im only asking for a way to tell them and i wont be triggered.....

 

[Mach123]

I wanna say something flip but believe me, I get it. I call these all boundaries now. I was always flipping out about not wanting to see this person or that. My wife never got it because she's boss always. She says and does whatever she wants with everyone. She's never in the position you and I are so familiar with? I've been watching her do it for thirty years but she can't do whatever she wants. She picks her battles.

I don't have that. I feel like you do but I outlived my in-laws and outlaws and the ones still around, we don't really deal with anymore. The ones I liked didn't like me and vice versa. So tell them a story lol. I'm not shy anymore about that. I'm spoiled and I'm able to avoid confrontation mostly. I won't do toxic people, being alone is so much nicer even if it's lonely.

 

[Zeekayk]

I wanna say something flip but believe me, I get it. I call these all boundaries now. I was always flipping out about not wanting to see this person or that. My wife never got it because she's boss always. She says and does whatever she wants with everyone. She's never in the position you and I are so familiar with? I've been watching her do it for thirty years but she can't do whatever she wants. She picks her battles.

I don't have that. I feel like you do but I outlived my in-laws and outlaws and the ones still around, we don't really deal with anymore. The ones I liked didn't like me and vice versa. So tell them a story lol. I'm not shy anymore about that. I'm spoiled and I'm able to avoid confrontation mostly. I won't do toxic people, being alone is so much nicer even if it's lonely.

I definitely agree. But we have a son together and i dont feel comfortable leaving my son with them alone thats why I'll go. They have passive aggressiveness where they make fun of one another. Children are separated from adults EVEN in meal times. Children are usually with nannies. And they invalidate or ignore any needs so i dont feel my child will be safe even with my husband because he tends to want to please his family. But not me. Me my health and my son's is my number one priority so I'll just tell them "my career life is personal" its not like i know anything about their life. But they know a lot about mine (my family abandoning me)

 

[Mach123]

Yes I know it's always the same stuff even though the circumstances differ with families. Many times you feel coerced, I always did. Then if you act up they make you out to be the bad guy lol. It's a nightmare. Like I said though, I stopped feeling responsible in any way for "saving myself" and believe me, I had all the arguments with myself and my spouse about who is supposed to do what hand how everyone "should" behave and I was always having the most severe PTSD symptoms around all of it and I didn't know. (I knew something was wrong) You just have to try and wall yourself off from them somehow? If I had it to do all over again, I never would have opened my mouth lol, about anything. Of course my wife would have been on me about that too but, saying nothing seems always better in retrospect to saying anything. Good luck with them and I hope you feel better. I know it probably feels unsafe, I did. I didn't know it though. I didn't know what boundaries were back then.

 

[Zeekayk]

Yes I know it's always the same stuff even though the circumstances differ with families. Many times you feel coerced, I always did. Then if you act up they make you out to be the bad guy lol. It's a nightmare. Like I said though, I stopped feeling responsible in any way for "saving myself" and believe me, I had all the arguments with myself and my spouse about who is supposed to do what hand how everyone "should" behave and I was always having the most severe PTSD symptoms around all of it and I didn't know. (I knew something was wrong) You just have to try and wall yourself off from them somehow? If I had it to do all over again, I never would have opened my mouth lol, about anything. Of course my wife would have been on me about that too but, saying nothing seems always better in retrospect to saying anything. Good luck with them and I hope you feel better. I know it probably feels unsafe, I did. I didn't know it though. I didn't know what boundaries were back then.

Thank you I'll try avoiding sitting near them, and try to avoid conversations. good thing is I don't have a nanny lol we're not that rich and so it means my son will keep me busy and I'll have good excuse ? about boundaries yes i also recently knew what it is, after reading the book... and after i had my son i keep feeling i need to apply them to break from the compliant person or codependent i used to be and to raise my son better ---- but i guess in this situation it is best to avoid all together any conversation with them. It doesn't even feel like conversation it feels more of interrogation. And for me it is so hard and frightening to say no. Or to have my own opinion. It literally feels like im committing a crime. So im trying my best to set boundaries i did with sisters in law and my husbands stepmom... with SIL i said "I don't wanna talk about my career life" because i kept applying and we were financially unstable and I wasn't getting any calls back. Then i heard her asking my husband ?? ---- 0 respect to my wishes and demands. They all judged me and spoke dirt behind my back and changed their attitude with me. The problem now is what im feeling -- stress and worry that they'll know. Its so real for me the anxiety i have that i fear buying the car i want because then they'll ask more where im working ? I really am struggling to enjoy my life & idk how i can stop this.

 

[grit]

Is there a way they can find out outside if you? I ask that because that may make the issue moot.
You do have rights to privacy boundary and safe space, but this type of mouse and cat usually back fire. Remember these people will be your child's life forever and even though you have your reasons with them, the child may have different relationship.
I encourage you to take this up with your therapist if u have one...because this kind of information is easy to find esp if they are intrusive kind of people!
I feel your attempt to keep them at Bay.

 

[Zeekayk]

Is there a way they can find out outside if you? I ask that because that may make the issue moot.
You do have rights to privacy boundary and safe space, but this type of mouse and cat usually back fire. Remember these people will be your child's life forever and even though you have your reasons with them, the child may have different relationship.
I encourage you to take this up with your therapist if u have one...because this kind of information is easy to find esp if they are intrusive kind of people!
I feel your attempt to keep them at Bay.

whatever if they find outside I'd just not want to be interrogated or my husband not respecting my desires and own life.
Regarding my son being in their lives, these are my husband's aunts.... not his parents and we see them on holidays only once or twice. But SIL are same almost and sadly she lives with us, just everything separated we have our own entrance/exit .. we see her when we can once every month or two (outside) not in our apartment since it's small ..... although she mentioned often she wants to come over she even bought him kitchen to have the excuse "see him play" but our schedule is so busy and we are barely adjusting so we keep saying no. At least my husband does . Because they stopped speaking to me after i set boundaries

 

[grit]

Good for you for setting your boundaries and I hope they start to respect that including your husband.