In Love With Someone Who Has PTSD (Intro)

[stormbaby77]

My story only spans a little over 3 months. But even though the length of time I have known this person seems short compared to others, I am 100% sure of my feelings for this person... I am in complete love with him. (sorry for length, kinda long...)

He and I met 3 months ago through a mutual friend, who also happens to be my co-worker (female). They met and became best friends several months prior when he first moved to this area and admitted himself to rehab for his drinking problems. She was in rehab as well, but for marijuana use that resulted in the loss of her children. She and I are the same age (33) and he is older than us (almost 40). They basically became best friends/bonded while in rehab because he was having anxiety and/or panic attacks and she was the only one in the rehab class that was able to calm him down.

The day he and I met is a day I will never forget. She had brought him to the place she and I work (she was off) to shop and the moment I saw him my entire world stopped. I literally stopped walking on a dime and it felt as though someone had kicked my chest and all the air left my body. It really was turn my world upside down love at first sight. Never in my life had I seen someone so beautiful and I knew immediately I had to do whatever it took to know this person. He and I only spoke briefly that night, our friend making the introduction, but I was captivated. I told my friend that I thought her friend was hot (I know, so childish, lol) and she said he was single and had not been with anyone in around 2 years. She offered to "hook" us up and I of course was thrilled at the possibility of getting to know him more.

Later that night after I was home from work, he sent me a text message. We didn't text with each very long (he was at my friend's apartment hanging out - there was drinking and marijuana use, but didn't seem like anything excessive) but he did ask me if I wanted to do something one night when he was off. I agreed immediately and we "planned" to go to dinner and see a movie later that week on a Friday.

He had a full time job (right now don't know if he still has a job, will explain later) and was also working a lot of overtime. He texted me a few days after that first night and we made plans to get together a day before Friday to hang out during the day since I was off and he got off work early in the morning (he works 3rd shift). He ended up having to work over so that day of getting together got cancelled. I in turn was crushed because I was looking forward to hanging out with him so much and I told my friend about it. She thought I was being a little over dramatic about being so crushed, but I truly couldn't help it.

A few days before we were supposed to go out I had this feeling that he was going to back out so I voiced that to my friend. He ended up texting me and saying he wasn't ready to date or be in a serious relationship, which was kinda odd in a way because it was simply dinner and a movie, not an engagement. Anyway, we never made it out that Friday night because it was a mutual backing out, I told him I was not understanding why he thought us going out was considered "serious" and then proceeded to say I would leave him alone.

Finally a few weeks later he and I did get the chance to be at the same place at the same time. There was a few texts I sent him before where I had concluded that he was playing games and that I was really interested in getting to know him no matter his imperfections, didn't want to get serious either, then told him to leave me alone. (I know, really immature on my part.)

But back to the day he and I actually did get to see each other... He was at my friend's apartment one morning after he got off work and I was already going to her place later on to give her a ride to work. I was off that day, but had errands to run and seeing as she has no vehicle I offered her a ride so she wouldn't have to walk nearly an hour to work. She texted me early to let me know he was on his way to her place and I took the quickest shower and did my makeup and all in the fastest time ever in my life, lol. When I walked into her apartment and saw him sitting on the couch I was in love with him even more. So much so that I couldn't even look at him, paced around while talking to my friend, and even jokingly kicked his leg gently and called him a jerk for being so much trouble to get to see. We laughed about it actually and when I sat down on the couch beside of him I immediately felt like I had been waiting my entire life to be beside him. I will never forget the way he looked at me as I sat there... listened intently to what I said, looked at me like he was amazed, and he even commented to me that I smelled very good. He ended up riding with me to drop our friend off at work and to run a quick errand afterwards, and I can still remember the heat and blush on my face when he said that I looked good when I jokingly made a comment on how I was thrilled to be in street clothes for once as opposed to my work attire.

He was a little high that morning seeing as he and our friend had smoked, and I admit to even smoking a small bit myself there too to calm my nerves. We talked while I ran my errand and he told me about how he was a veteran combat medic and was in Desert Storm. He told me that his father was dead by suicide and that he wasn't really "right". I told him about a instance that happened in my past that was traumatic to me, then I looked him in the eyes and told him that no one was perfect and that he and I had survived so that made us both strong people. We are walking wounded, but living. It is my opinion that when we had that first real meeting and talked that he and I bonded due to having not so perfect pasts and that like him I too had been through some bad experiences.

When we got back to our friend's apartment we sat in my car for about 30 minutes and just continued to talk. I told him about my crazy cats and some of their crazy antics and I clearly remember seeing his beautiful blue eyes lit up and his face so warm when he laughed with me. When it was time for him to go I was sad honestly. I didn't want my time with him to ever end. We made plans to see each other again the next night after I got off from work at our friend's apartment. Then we hugged each other before he got out of my car and I told him jokingly that he didn't smell bad (he said he was sweaty from work the night before and probably smelled bad) but if he did I would tell him, lol.

I will stop here in telling my fairly long story. I fear that I will be typing literally all day and the forum mods will think I am insane for typing a 15 page post on my first day, too! lol But I would like to continue telling my story for anyone that wants to know more because even though I am sitting here heartbroken (will explain why later on in story) I am still in love with this man and will do whatever it takes to help him and support him. He is beautiful to me in every way, PTSD issues and all, and I can never for see my heart giving up on him.

As I told him one night, he is home to me.


Comments are appreciated, but please... be kind.

 

[amethist]

Hi stormbaby77

Welcome to the forum.

Sounds like you got it bad girl. I hope the rest of your story is not going to end as it feels like it is heading.

It is a long, hard and rocky road recovering from PTSD, no cure as yet which make it even more difficult for sufferers and carers. The Roller Coaster ride that it is named is just that, incredible highs and un-believable lows.

No one will pretend that it is easy for either side of he PTSD coin, and as long as you are prepared for all that this could involve, then you can have a great relationship. The best start you can have before you go any further is to learn as much as possible of how all this can effect them, learn how to take care of yourself too. You will be no help to him if you end up being ill because you ignored your own personal and health needs.

Spend time reading the articles on the "Home Page", these will give you a lot of information about PTSD and the effects it can have. Also come down to the carers section, where you will find a lot of useful threads of how to take care of yourself.

Take care and good luck.

Amethist

 

[stormbaby77]

Thank you for the kind response, Amethist. I am not sure if my story is going to have a happy ending or not to be honest. I will continue my story in another thread (part 2) and hope to shed more light on my situation.

 

[Nicolette]

I'm sorry stormbaby77 but it sounds like you are currently "in love" with being "in love". Without even knowing this man and you are already making excuses for bad coping mechanisms of PTSD. I am sorry but if you get up in the morning and have to smoke pot to start the day what are you saying about the world you live in? It's the same as someone getting out of bed and starting to drink.

By the way, kindness is not saying what you want to hear, it is being honest with the best intentions for your well being. All I can say is be careful.

 

[stormbaby77]

When I began this thread my original intention was to tell my story in its entirety. You would think only knowing someone for 3 months wouldn't produce such a lengthy and saga of a story, but mine did unfortunately. And it has ultimately ripped me apart emotionally and physically.

Since posting the beginning of my story, several things have happened between my ex and I. Some of it good, but it appears that more of it has been bad in retrospect. I fell head over heels in love with him upon first sight. And that love I felt only grew deeper upon more time we spent together, even in intimate situations. Especially in intimate situations. I can honestly say he was the first man that I bared my heart and soul to completely and they were bared even more so when intimate. It was never just sex between us. There was a connection there that I know with everything inside me that was not fake. At least that is how I felt.

What was originally two people getting to know each other ended up being the worst breakup I have ever had to endure. I am still not over it and I know it will be a very long time before I am if ever. Instead of it being he and I in the relationship, it ended up being several of us in the relationship. How? His best friend, also my co-worker, was right in the middle the whole time. Then add to the mix pretty much every single person she and I work with was drug into the relationship as well. She told everything she knew about the relationship he and I had and spared no details. And she knew these details because my ex shared with her details that never should have been shared to begin with. So going from complete happiness to being ripped apart has been witnessed by all my co-workers and the humiliation I am experiencing cannot be explained properly for anyone to understand.

What is so hard about my situation is that I don't know what was real or fake with our relationship. The night he told me he was falling in love with me was changed to he said it when he was drunk and didn't mean it. That he was feeling it in the "moment". The day he broke up with me I watched him cry not once, but twice, as I cried heartbroken as well. That was changed to he gets torn up when seeing someone cry so it couldn't be helped. He looked at me in a way I have never been looked at before. It not only made me feel special, but even made me blush and have to look away due to the intensity of it. He said he looked at me that way because he was happy and couldn't believe how no man had ever given me that look before until him. His exact words were "they are some damn fools". The day he ended our relationship a part of me that came alive for the first time ever because of him died as well. The way he looked at me changed as well. The wall he put between us was visible to me.

I fell in love with a beautiful man who despite his issues saw something special enough in me to pursue getting to know me. And the reason I word it that way is because I was the first person he showed an interest in for the first time in 2 years. I will likely never know what drew him to me no matter how much I wish I did. I treated him better than anyone had from his past (his words) and he made sure to let me know he thought I had a good heart. I showed him kindness, compassion, and complete love. But while I thought everything was good between us, I was essentially being mislead.

He told his best friend that I was clingy and pushy, but never gave any indication to me. The lines of communication between us became so distorted and confusing that he pushed me away. Told me he wasn't ready to date or be in a relationship even though he thought he was. That statement reminds me of the first time he and I went away to be alone together for the night and he told me he liked me more than he wanted to. I was flattered that night when he told me that, but on this night as I type this I am confused.

I didn't have anyone around that could give me any advice on how to handle our relationship. Looking back I can see all the things I did wrong that contributed to destroying our relationship. I wasn't prepared for him to open up to me and then drastically pull back into himself. I wasn't aware that his best friend was twisting the details of our relationship around when she spoke about us to people until it was too late. I didn't know I was going to experience loving him so deeply that when he pulled away from me I was going to crumble. I wish I had known 3 months ago upon first sight of him that I would end up losing a part of myself that came alive only with him.

My original intention when beginning my story was to get advice and feedback on what he was thinking or feeling. But right now I feel so confused and unsure about so many things from our relationship that I don't think continuing my story would really help. And all of what I have just said is a response to seeing his use of marijuana and alcohol use increase to the point where I don't really remember what he is like sober. It's a response to seeing him miss more than a few weeks of work to the point of his vacation days used up, and then today he was fired. It's a response to not knowing if I was used simply because I was available or what he said and did was genuine.

In my heart he is still home to me and that isn't going to change. I just don't know what part of him is my home anymore.

 

[amethist]

Hi stormbaby77

The best advice anyone would or should give you with all this, is to step back out of the PTSD relationship and look at it again with out it being there. How would you feel/think then, would you tolerate any of this behaviour from him or any other man for that matter, probably not.

If he treats you like this, with no thought or consideration for your feelings by telling other's all he has so far, then he really does not deserve your attention or love.

I suggest you read other sufferers stories of how hard relationships are for them to hold onto, many times for no other reason than they need to care for their own need before they can care for another's. By reading these you will see the difference between a sufferer who knows what is best for them, and how have a and keep a good relationship, and this guy who seems to be making a fool of you in front of those who are supposed to be your friends. Then read the carers threads as well, see how others keep a relationship going well with a sufferer, but do not allow them to treat them with disrespect, as this guy is defiantly doing to you.

Be careful and think very hard whether you are going to allow this to continue, just because, as you say, "He is still home". Just because he has PTSD does not give him any right to treat you any differently. There are many good and strong relationships out there between carer and sufferer, neither one would except being treated this way.

Amethist.

 

[stormbaby77]

Hi Amethist, thank you for your reply...

I have actually been reading through both forums, but I can't seem to locate a scenario that is like mine to help me. Maybe mine is unique in that his best friend was involved in the middle the entire time and she ended up betraying me. Or it is quite possible that someone is in a same situation like mine and just hasn't posted it on this site.

I have searched online for websites that speak specifically about PTSD sufferers from the time he was in Iraq. I don't know what forms of treatment or therapy he has received in the past because we didn't really discuss it. I do remember him mentioning he took several types of medications one morning after we had breakfast together. I don't recall the names of the medications, but there was an antidepressant, an antipsychotic, and a seratonin blocker for his frequent nightmares. (I want to say there is 7 medications total he said he took, not sure, but do specifically remember those 3 I just mentioned.) I can pretty much pinpoint the time when he stopped taking his medications completely, which was a little over a month ago. His reasoning was because they made him sleep too much. It wasn't long after he stopped taking his medications that I noticed his marijuana and alcohol use increase almost to double what it was when he and I first began spending time together. The night he told me he was falling in love with me I do remember he had smoked earlier in the day. That evening we were a few hours away from home on a small roadtrip to his hometown. He had drank a 6 pack of beer, but it was spread out and consumed in a responsible manner from my observation. He was not drunk when he looked me in the eyes and told me he was falling in love with me. But I don't understand why he would tell his best friend a different story regarding that moment when it was very obvious we were both happy that night.

I made a specific effort to let him know in the beginning of getting to know him that I wouldn't ask him questions about his time in Iraq or push for details. I simply told him that when he was ready to tell me I was more than ready to listen to him. The only time he opened up and told me about that time there was on a night when he had smoked a decent amount and had also been sipping on moonshine throughout the evening. He said in his bedroom he had a cedar chest with a lock on it that contained everything he had remaining from his time in the Army. Medals, his Accommodation award, his medical degree (he was a Combat Medic), etc. He said it had been years since he opened that box, but I told him if he ever wanted to show me those things one day I would like to see them. He didn't seem freaked out by that, he smiled and said one day. He told me that everything he had in that box he didn't deserve. When I asked why he said he was a bad person because of the things he had to do while in the war. He was on the front line many times while he was there and I know he saved many lives by what he did. But it's the lives of the people he couldn't save, and the lives of the people he had to take to protect himself, that makes him think, believe and say he's a bad person.

I know that night I fell more in love with him. And it wasn't because I felt sorry for him or for what he had been through and did during that time. May sound hard to believe, but I saw the person he is on the inside that night and no matter how wounded that person still is I saw his strength. I watched him continue to speak about how he loved this country and if given the chance to go back and fight for us he would. He said he would die for this country and I saw no hint on his face or in his eyes that he was saying anything less than the complete truth. It wasn't until he finished speaking that I finally found my voice enough to tell him that I thought he was an amazing man. Told him he spoke with genuine belief and bravery and that he was honorable. We connected that night on a level I didn't think possible, but it happened. Emotionally, mentally and physically.

The next morning I went to his house with him. As I mentioned in my post last night, he was fired from his job yesterday for missing too many days of work. I can recall that morning I was at his house was one of the last days he made it a point to get sleep during the day before going to work on 3rd shift. It was actually the last full week he worked before he started calling in and using up his vacation days, which lead to his predicament now. That morning was also the last time I not only witnessed, but can say he even mentioned taking his medications. Before I left he was laying in bed and about to fall asleep. I leaned down and kissed his forehead, then stroked the side of his face gently and told him that no matter what happened in his past or what he thought of himself, he was still a good man. He looked me in the eyes and smiled, and I know that he understood I was telling him I loved him in yet another way.

In the weeks before he ended our relationship I witnessed him have nightmares more than a few times. He had told me at times that they were violent enough to the point where he thrashed around in bed. The most frequent subject of his nightmares? The first man he had to kill in Iraq. He said that every time he closes his eyes he sees that man's face and is haunted by him on a daily basis. He did stress to me that I shouldn't try to wake him up if he was having a nightmare, to just let him do his thing and ride it out. I was never frightened of him in any way, and even now I still have no fear of him. On those nights he had the nightmares I went with my instinct and held him. I would whisper to him that everything was going to be ok, it was alright, and gently touch the side of his face with my hand. I watched him calm down and he would sleep for the rest of the night. Some might say I was trying to "protect" him by doing that, but it was my way of showing I loved him enough to ride the storm out with him. The few small bruises I obtained from his hand squeezing my wrist during those nightmares never hurt me and I would do it again for him without a second thought.

I am trying to step back and re-evaluate a lot of the experiences and the things he said to me. I am haunted by the way he looked at me when he said he was happy. I still feel my breath catch and my heart skip a beat when I remember the way his hand felt, the way he smelled or I catch a glimpse of a shade of blue like his eyes. I see him every single night in my dreams and the confusion I have over everything in our relationship seems to be a constant. I didn't imagine the things he said to me or the way he looked at me when saying them. I know everything I said and did on my end was real, it's not knowing what was real or fake or twisted around by his best friend that is destroying me on the inside.