Relationship In Need Of Some Opinions

[armygf1017]

Although I knew something was wrong it was just recently that my BF was diagnosed with PTSD from a deployment over in Iraq. He has been home for a yr come june, and he has been seeing a therapist for 3 months now.

Basically I met him online while he was there, we fell in love, talked about everything, including future plans. We have had many problems since he has come home including break ups and him begging for my forgiveness promising whatever it is to make it better this time.

One of the issues I have with him is he very rarely wants to be around my friends / family. Him having some sort of contact/relationship with the people I love most (aside from himself) is important to me.

Last week two (more) of my friends got engaged....and I am so happy for them! But it really got me to start thinking. I know what I want in my life. I want to get married and buy a house and have kids. I want a family. I want my children to have two loving devoted parents who love each other and rationally talk bout problems that arise so they can work thru them. I know you must all be thinking I have no business wanting these things being with a guy who has PTSD but these were things we both wanted. And at this point I'm scared. I am afraid that if i stay, I wont be any closer to these things that ive always wanted in my life say 3 years from now. I mean Im 27 right now, I want to be settled at 30.

This weekend he refused to make rearrangements to his schedule so that he could attend an engagement party with me. I went to weddings, and other events, alone for 10 months, and now he comes home and doesnt want to come??? He told me all week he just wanted to relax on the couchwhen i asked him every night if he wanted to go out for a bit. (we never get to on the weekends since we have his 4 yr old daughter). I come home from the party and he leaves to GO OUT to watch the hockey game with his best friend who he already spent all day, and the day before with! I just wanted to spend some QT with my BF but i would have settled for going out with them. He clearly didnt want me to come along so i told him i was gonna go out for a bit too. Later i sent him a text saying i wasnt coming home, i was going to stay at my mom's. Granted it was late and he very well could have been sleeping but even the next day he asked me if his daughter left her stuffed animal in my car and assumed i was going to be going there that night. instead I told him id drop it off but i had plans to go out as long as he didnt mind. he just said ok. I saw him monday night when i stopped there. things seemed ok with us, no fighting but he was pretty distant (normal for him at most times). Now heres the issue: I haven't heard from him since. I still have all my stuff there. I still lov e him and want things to work with him but i didnt want to fight with him again and i knew i wouldnt be able to keep my cool after what he pulled so i took some time. What do I do?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I'll be frank....You sound like you are not reading people reply's to your posts, or reading anything for that matter. You keep asking the same questions, questions that easily have already been answered.

Read, Read, Read...It will help you understand better, and then you can make a choice.

 

[Cin]

I see what you're saying Ayesha, but... Just because ArmyGF doesn't understand yet doesn't mean she isn't reading. As carers, we spend a damn lot of time trying to be supportive and understanding of our sufferers and in the process, our minds often become a mess due to the ever changing faces of this disorder. We need processing time and her boyfriend has only recently been diagnosed. The road is a new one for her.

Just because we don't have the disorder doesn't mean we don't suffer the effects of it and we require a little compassion too.

 

[armygf1017]

Thank you Cin for understanding, What you've said is very true. Most times I can be extremely understanding but I've had such a bad week with him that Im pretty desperate for answers. I have been reading, ...and reading, ...and reading. I think what I need right now is time to process it all. I have a very strong need to 'talk things out'. Thats why I seperated myself from the situation for a few days atleast. My mind is mess at the moment and miss him very much. I have some decisions to make, and I'm scared I may make the wrong one. When things are good, they are great! (or maybe I'm just so relieved he is having a good day). When he gets in his funks, I begin to panic after about a day or 2 I think because I he had gone months without any good days and I fear living through that again. I just want to help him, and I am trying to learn as much about PTSD as possible.

 

[Nicolette]

I'll be frank....You sound like you are not reading people reply's to your posts, or reading anything for that matter. You keep asking the same questions, questions that easily have already been answered.

Read, Read, Read...It will help you understand better, and then you can make a choice.

Ayesha you need to remember you are a Sufferer so your perspective may differ from someone trying to understand how to deal with someone in your position. You are most welcome to come and share your experiences to assist Carers but please be careful of overstepping the boundary that this is the Carer's section. You would not appreciate me telling you that you have written about your rapes (which I am sorry you had to endure) so many times that you should read more instead of saying similar things in different posts.

We need to be respectful of each other as people and as Sufferers and Carers as sometimes the two are worlds apart. It is important to note that as a Carer we come here in search of knowledge to learn how to cope with the symptoms and repercussions of PTSD and generally also out of love and caring. Sometimes something makes sense the first time, other times we need to vent as people in our lives don't understand our struggles and sometimes we have to hash something to death until it sinks in.

Thank you.

 

[anthony]

There is no specific rule written on this forum about carer / sufferer cross-over into forum areas because both provide valuable insight to one another. However, carers and sufferers should not comment on specific areas if those comments are not inline with the area of choice. The carer area is for carers to talk freely, thus sufferers should tread carefully within here. Vice versa with PTSD areas. The general areas then exist for general discussion that are not carer or sufferer specific.

As Nicolette stated above!

 

[Nicolette]

I think I would just like to add that for someone (a Carer) who has not experienced dealing with someone who has uncontrolled PTSD and is used to a 'normal' life without trauma, chaos and pain, dealing with a PTSD Sufferer can be a very big shock. There are known cases of people getting secondary PTSD from caring for a Sufferer - in other words, while nothing like PTSD trauma, it can be traumatic for someone who has no concept and has the repercussions of PTSD inflicted upon them.

It took me a good year of dealing with PTSD to get a grip on things as Anthony had other things going on which were exacerbating his PTSD. Now things are calm I find dealing with him reasonable and I know how to deal with situations as does someone of the likes of Pearl who has been dealing with it for a long time. At the start though there were times I was frantic and ended up sick dealing with Anthony as I couldn't believe what was happening in my world and where the loving man I knew had disappeared to. And that was not including dealing with the isolation and the roller coaster of I love you tomorrow but not today which others here experience. Anthony never wavered on that front (thank heavens!).

My point is, for a Carer dealing with and trying to manage a relationship with PTSD with no knowledge or support - it can be just as much of a struggle for them as a Sufferer trying to manage their PTSD.

 

[armygf1017]

Just An Update...Trying To Work Through The Anger Of It All

Thank you Nicolette, everything you have stated above sounds painfully familiar and makes perfect sense.

Just as a prelude, I have been all over the place with my emotions as you will see once you read...

I just wanted to update my current situation. I have called it quits with my BF. He actually made the decision for me by deleting me from his Facebook (really mature) and changing his status to single (got the message loud and clear!). The day after I saw this, I went to his apartment and moved all my stuff out. He wasn't there. He sent me a lame text message saying..."Well Babe I know I messed up yet again and don't know how to fix it. I wanted to call you yesterday but I didnt know where to start. I know I need to change some things but I don't know how or where to start. I'm in a bad place right now and can't handle everything at once. I love you and I am tired of hurting you." So after reading this I was feeling even more upset. A week prior, he was telling me my engagement ring was coming "soon". And now, we are done???

Since we are officially over (its final this time - I'm not going taking him back after how he handled everything and what I found out), I have done the over analyzing probably one too many times, I thought it was strange of him (not like the previous times we've "parted" ways) to completely cut contact with me, and also anyone attached to me who he was friends with on the site (my sister, and 2 friends). He has also changed his privacy settings so I can't see any of his page. It dawned on me, there was someone else! All of hurt instantly turned to anger! I am so angry with him. I found some proof that my suspicions are true. I just dont know to what degree. Either way, cheating is cheating, and personally it is intolerable on any level!

So now that its over, I know I will be ok with moving on from here. I don't really understand why I am feeling the way I do. I mean I go through short periods where I think I want him back, I think maybe in the future, down the line, if he gets himself together there may be a chance for us. But I don't trust him (for good reason) and I don't think the trust could be rebuilt especially with how he handled everything. He didnt even have the decency to tell me we are over to my face after 2 years of being together! I guess he couldnt face me because of the lies. I have a feeling he handled thing the way he has b/c he knows I would flip if I found out he is with someone else, and there would be no hope for us in the future (which im sure he doesnt even know if he wants or not) so therefore by hiding all evidence, he is thinking he mas a better chance of having another chance with me when he works through some of his problems. HOW SELFISH CAN HE BE!!???!!

Thinking about our relationship as it was, it was extremely unhealthy. There was defintiely co-dependancy present, i didnt trust him at all, I would bend over backwards for him, and get little if any effort back in return. I always had a problem with the fact that he takes on his family and friends' problems as if they are his own when he has plenty of his own already. He saw it as him having a good heart (which he does - except when it comes to me, seems like I'm always the enemy) while I saw it as detrimental to our relationship, being that we spoke of plans for a future, buying a house, marriage, continuing a family (he already has a 4yr old daughter).

I actually sat down and wrote out a list of positives and negatives. After doing so, I realized I had a 2 page long of list of things that I disliked about him or our relationship that he wasn't willing to work on with me. The positives...No one has ever made me feel the way he USED TO make me feel. The ironic part of the whole thing is that all the now negatives were positives when I first fell in love with him. (ex. He used to be open and honest and want to talk things out, as opposed to him now being closed off and distant, and having things his way or no way.) If he has changed so drastically (PTSD or not), to the point of which he is a direct opposite of what he was when I fell in love with him, WHY AREN'T I OVER THIS ALREADY???.