Relationship In The Heat Of The Moment

[bilerchick63]

After a few years of reading everything I can about PTSD and getting to know and subsequently marry my husband; I thought I had things figured out with relating to him while he was reliving his trauma. I was sadly mistaken.

I found out this past week that I hadn't a clue as to how bad it was and he said some horrible, awful things to me which caused me to forget everything I knew and react. It was the most awful experience I have ever been through and I am completely and totally ashamed of my role in it all. Forgiving myself is proving to be extremely difficult.

I do not know, four days later, if we, are going to be a we anymore. But I have stepped back into practicing what I know about relating to him while he is still cycling in his trauma and have apologized, made an appointment for my own therapy and have been quiet and calm. He went off on his bike after his work day was over (this is not unusual when he feels so bad) and the only thing I requested is that he let me know where he is so I don't worry. He has done that. He also says he may be home tonight followed by a "?" so not quite sure.

He has always protected me from this part of himself..not the PTSD so much but when it gets really bad and he wants to "rip peoples heads off and S$#% down their throats". I did not know the man who was standing before me. Many of the hurtful things he said, brought me to my knees..and I will not repeat them here because I do believe this was not his true feelings...he doesn't have any right now, by his own admission.

So he is out searching for himself. Trying to find himself. Doing whatever it is that keeps him able to take another step. Me? I am reading, meditating and praying for this to be something that can help us grow. We are newlyweds...june to be exact and you can be sure that was one of the topics in the blowout. I was and am still deeply hurt. But right now, I need to think of him.

So my question to all of this is, when in the heat of the moment, how do you all manage your emotions when horrible attacks against you and your realionship spew out? IF I would have had my senses, I would have walked away or left for a bit but I was shocked and deeply hurt that I reacted.

When he is feeling better, I will encourage a safety plan that allows me to leave without him feeling abandoned. Until then, anything you have tried and found to work would be appreciated.

 

[Friday]

I'm the PTSD person... But when I've had relationships with other "broke dick dogs" (I've just come across this phrase again after a decade and am totally enamored with it all over again). I kind of laugh at them. Usually not to their faces until later.

It's the exact same way I react to toddlers throwing temper tantrums and "I hate you mommy!" It's pure unadulterated rage, which may or may not have a legitimate cause... But any words that spew forth may as well be in Swahili or Martian. I don't assign them any true meaning. I just kinda smile to myself, send them on timeout, and we'll talk about it once their brain has stopped melting, and laugh about it later. One of my boyfriends called it my "stewardess face", another who was ex military said that with the corners of my mouth twitching and nobody-home behind my eyes he didn't know which one of us was going to end up dead on the floor. Dude. I was home. I just have a rule that says to 'never get emotionally invested in an argument with a child'. But, yeah. Your brain may have been 2yo mode, but your body isn't. If you'd crossed the line, one of us would be getting their head stitched up after being knocked out, and it wasn't going to be me.

Everyone needs different things. For me I need laughter, and emotional distancing the same way I do with a small child, and rules that a grown ass man can (or myself) can abide to follow since they are (& I am) not a small child. Meaning here are lines in the sand. You cross this one, this happens. You cross that one, and that happens. You cross his one over here and finis. Not necessarily a laying down the law (except each of us gets to draw our own lines, you know? But being adults we can each contribute to what we need and where the other person can meet us). We're adults. We do exercise control in our tantrums at least to some degree (or there would be a lot more bodies and fires, just to be blunt). We may not be able to stop a tantrum from happening, but we can usually direct the gale. Not always. And not always soon enough.

For me, on both sides of the fence...That safety plan, for when a storm blows up out of nowhere by surprise, or just isn't able to be redirected strong enough... Is perfect. So, too, would a threat level assessment. As long as it goes back down, so that yellow-rules or red-rules don't become the normal state of play / green-rules. Because while there are out-of-the-blue storms, most of the time? I have a few weeks or days of feeling edgy warning up to it. If I can go blow off some steam (totally ditching my responsibilities, something has to give while there is still a choice as to what), I can prevent the storm all together, usually. But that simply can't become normal. Or it's not blowing off steam. It's a way of life. If I've spent months (or years) in yellow? I need help. For me, if I spend 70% in green, with occasional yellow days & weeks, and even less occasional red flare up? I'm doing outstanding. I'm working, have friends and loved ones, am balanced, etc. But the more the calendar fills up desert yellow and red the more of a wasteland my life becomes. Gotta stomp on that shit. Just letting it go would be a bad idea. (I'm at 50% yellow, and my life is an unmitigated disaster at present). But getting together and getting proactive together? Good stuff.

 

[bilerchick63]

FridayJones,

Thank you very much for offering this to me. You have given me lots to think about and I appreciate it!