General In The Middle Of An Episode

[dayglo]

The stressors:

• I'm working longer hours at work
• son is beginning to act like a teenager
• cable-tv box broke, I couldn't take off work, so she had to deal with the repairman. then the new box broke, so we needed a second repair call. It was too stressful for her, so I snuck out of work early, but of course I couldn't do anything right with them. she'd yell at me and tell me what I was doing wrong when dealing with the cable repairman, even though she said she she was too stressed to do that by herself.
• going for a physical for the first time in 5 years
• menopause
• I wanted to go visit my mom this weekend. She says that we are all stressed out and she thinks I should stay home (I usually go with my son, whenever she is there the two of them argue.) And whenever I want to go, she always has a reason why I shouldn't (she doesn't feel well, she's depressed, or something).

So we've been bickering and arguing almost every night. The house is full of eggshells....

Tonight she says 'We've been under a lot of stress, I really think it's a good idea for you to stay home and we can all relax". "Will you take my advise and stay home?"

My therapist said I should go if I feel strongly enough, I should go, even if I go alone. I decided to tell her that, basically knowing it would be a trigger. (Wow I should have posted here first, but it's too late now)

The insults "you never listen to me" "I'm invisible" "you think of your mother before you think of me"
It was past midnight and it's 30 degrees outside so I couldn't leave the house (and my son was sleeping so waking him and trying to find a hotel was out of the question).

She locked herself in the bathroom and said she was going to make sure that "I never see her again" but it was just a bluff as when I left the room she went to bed.

I'm sure tomorrow will be hell as well as the weekend as well.

If I give in to her and stay home, I feel like I am reinforcing her behavior into blackmailing me not to go. But I feel that may be the only way to get her out of the rage she is feeling now.

 

[The Albatross]

Good job breaking down the stressful things. Your therapist is right. Her reaction is unfortunate, but you are not responsible for the fall out. Threats "I'm going to make sure you'll never see me again", is a last ditch effort to get you to do what she wants you to do. But so far as reinforcing her behavior, if it is a repeat pattern, yeah you probably don't want to reinforce it. If it is a one shot deal, you may alter your plans or when she calms down try to find a compromise?

Hope it goes well, better than you expect Day Glo.

 

[amethist]

Hi Dayglo

Difficult as it maybe you should go see your mum with your son, no matter what she throws at you.

I had the same problem with my husband at one point, but in the end I stuck to my guns and went out on my own. He used to say I was running out on him, leaving him on his own when he was suffering, anything so he would not be left on his own.

Over time it got easier and now there is no problem at all.

The longer you give in to her demands, the harder it will be in the long term.

 

[dayglo]

Yes, it's a repeat pattern... I guess my only question is whether or not I go with my son or alone.

 

[dayglo]

Things have changed... Somehow she "hurt her arm" either during the argument (because she was "so angry at me") in the middle of the night (since she was "so tired and couldn't sleep" and banged it). She has fibromyalgia and this has "exacerbated" it.

So now she says I can't go because her arm hurts so much and I have to stay home and cook for her and take care of her.

 

[nursenurse]

Frozen dins and a microwave. Pizza delivery. Lots of options. There's such a danger in becoming someone's "everything", isn't there, because for yourself, you become nothing. Any swelling/bruising where she says she hurt it?

I would still go, it almost sounds like a temper tantrum. Maybe that is harsh. Does your son enjoy going with you? Then take him. In fact, take him anyway. when Mom is behaving like this and you leave alone, I imagine he would feel abandoned, and I don't think he should be left in a caregiver role either. I am not sure if she ends up complaining to him about you.

You need to look after yourself and do things that are important to you, and let the chips fall where they may, unless you see an immediate danger. If you lose yourself, then your relationship and your son do not have a hope in hell. In a normal relationship, you would be going to see Mom, possibly alone. She ( your S.O.) should not object. I hope she is in therapy.

 

[The Albatross]

Self inflicted wound meant to exercise control. She has two arms. PTSD or no, she is responsible for her actions. (and I'm a sufferer)

 

[amethist]

PTSD or no, she is responsible for her actions.

I have to agree with Albatross here, and she seems to be doing anything and everything to keep you from leaving her on her own.

Now is the time to nip this all in the bud and take a stand before you loose your own sanity.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I'd take the child to, as she is injured and having a fibromyalgia flare up. But was afraid to suggest it.

 

[quaintpapercut]

My goodness. I kind of see myself in some of that behaviour. I normally act that way when I'm not able to communicate how it is I'm feeling. It seems like you know your wife very well. In the past, have you been able to speak to her about this when she's feeling better?

If she has enough self awareness that she is going through an episode, you may be able to stop it from spiralling the next time it happens.

I agree with the others though. Go. But before you leave I would reinforce to her that you love her and will be coming back. Give her a time and make sure your back when you say you will be. It will (hopefully) give her space to calm down and she won't be freaking out about when to expect you home.

 

[dayglo]

Now that I look back, I'm guilty of "falling for it" several times before. I think I'm going to have to 'give in' this time and hopefully plan out a strategy for next time

 

[rightkindofme]

Bummer. As I read the thread I was thinking, "Oh I hope she went!" I'm a manipulative sufferer. *cough* I'm glad in the big picture that my husband goes when he needs to. He *insists* on meeting his needs. It's a good thing. It means he will be alive to provide appropriate support in decades. :)