In the midst of a full on breakdown

[IllogicalBulwark]

I am posting this here because this episode has specifically to do with something going on right now. And its f*cking just stupid. Nothing about this should be bothering me. I knew from the getgo that it was not going to amount to anything. Nothing could come of it. Different countries, age issues, relationship status. But goddamn if we did not connect on so many levels. I am 43, she is 19. Religion, politics usually the 2 most difficult and the biggest no-no's in conversation were the initial attraction. She vocally hated on older men, yet seemed to dote on me specifically. We connected intimately, as intimately as you could over the web I guess. Empathic abilities kicked in, I can feel her. f*ck I can almost see through her eyes. I know where she is without talking to her. She bought outfits and things she knew I would like without ever asking. I saved her friggin life for f*cks sake. No, literally. She was having symptoms of a life-threatening condition. She was going to let it go and ignore it. I convinced her to go to the hospital. Doctor told her straight up that had she waited, she literally would have been dead.

The Spock side of me knows that logically it needs to be done, there is no good path, no way out for me that isn't going to result in disaster. And here I am in disaster. Stupidly it was triggered by a song by Maroon 5 and Cardie B. She is everything I have EVER desired in a woman. Intelligence (smart enough to get away from me it would seem), charisma, dark sarcastic sense of humor that matches mine. She is attractive, sexual without being slutty. Food, music. Why does it have to happen now? With all the impossibilities, not improbabilities, impossibilities. Part of me wondered if I was just being played, hell when she reached out that was my initial thought and reaction. Then it was like okay, see where it goes. Face to face over skype for hours just talking. I have never had this kind of connection before. I have never actually lamented or felt heartache like this. My rational side always took over and analyzed and provided the wall I needed. I don't feel like I can function right now. And stupidly I know she is hurting too. Its part of why I just do not understand or get it.

Why do I feel like the butt of a giant cosmic joke? Have I done something to really deserve this? I stuck with a marriage for way longer than anybody should have had to because I felt responsible and really made every effort to make it work. I overlooked drug use, verbal abuse, physical assault, lies, theft and even infidelity. Although the last was the straw that eventually broke the camels back as it were. It has to get better, I cannot afford mentally for it to get worse.....I just....can't.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Can I ask if you’ve had internet relationships before this one?

 

[Ronin]

Sounds to me you have bit of a savior complex.

And that age difference, alone, is way bit of a big gap.
Stop idealizing way younger girls you can be impressing, and work on your issues at home instead of escaping into a world you hold all the power in, and that shatters at every breeze.

 

[TTC18]

Have I done something to really deserve this?

No, you haven't done anything to deserve this, no one deserves pain.
It hurts when relationships end - but when the hurt is over, hopefully there'll be something there to remember, learn from, look back on... :hug: What's the thing people say - some people come into our lives for a season, some people come into our lives for a reason, and some people come into our lives for a lifetime? :hug:

 

[grit]

IMHO,
Every single quality you are assigning to her is missing in you and that is maybe one reason you are struggling. It is like you found your long lost leg, and then lost again.

I hope you find those qualities in you or acknowledge them and then you will feel so full and can connect so much healthier.

She came to your life to show you what you are looking for inside of you.

I am not good at quoting and do not want to get trouble but a person on this site made a comment (cannot remember the name now). but similar to your situation.

This young person was showing you perhaps even how long ago you lost that side of you. I hope you thank her and find yourself.

 

[mumstheword]

Definitely a wake up call, but a painful one.
If you are a "nice guy", you might have fallen into the cuck trap.
Learning to be true to yourself, exercising healthy and self caring boundaries, not falling into rescuing-others mode, but instead, appying that care and compassion to yourself, might all be ways through this.
She is very, very young. Speaking as a young woman who got involved with an older man, it's very hard to bridge the age gap. I was 16, he was 34, he was, of course immature, I was waay too young to have a mature relationship style. We filled the gap with babies, but it wasn't a healthy relationship. He never did the growing up he needed to, and I have, so I left him. I am now with an amazing man much closer in age.
We are both hardened and softened by many, many life challenges and we match each other in maturity and it works. Very well, for 8 years now.

He used to be cucky, most gentle caring guys fall into that trap because the media conditioning and programming is very effective and it trains guys to be like that.

He got badly, betrayed and hurt by.women, too many times and learnt what he was doing wrong and is much, much more in his masculine power and very attractive because of the work he did on himself.

So be kind to yourself. This is a positive wake up call, designed to get you on your path of self awareness, self development and empowerment. Let the emotional pain motivate you to learn more about yourself, tend to your sense of self.

Challenge your beliefs.

Feel into your heart of heart and let it tell you what it needs to heal. Trust your intuition. Get sound support that you know you can trust. If you can't find it, pray, meditate, do activities that make you feel more relaxed and peaceful and engaged with life. Keep looking for the right supports. Read, research, find answers that work for you. This is your journey and only you can make you whole enough to attract a fullfilling and real connection and relationship(s)
You've got this, believe in yourself, it's the ultimate aphrodisiac to women. But first, learn to love yourself