In Therapy, Full Story Or Just Bits?

[wattle]

I've been seeing my new psychologist for about 7 months, I'd been thinking before the last visit that I'm in a better mood and have been for a while and was thinking of taking a break from therapy for a while. When I told the psychologist what I was thinking he wasn't pushy but I could tell he wanted me to keep going with it, he asked me to talk it over with my GP and husband first and then decide. I can do that, although I'm totally undecided now.
My hubby hasn't helped matters, he said unless I tell the therapist everything, which I haven't, I'm probablly wasting my time going anyway. I don't believe that because I have come a long way from where I was last year or even the beginning of this year. I just can't tell the therapist everything, it's just too difficult. Am I wasting my and the therapists time by not telling him some things? Maybe I will be able to eventually, I don't know.
Mostly it's to do with sexual abuse when I was younger and when I was raped although I think he's guessed about the rape but also I smoke pot sometimes, which isn't legal here, I've found though that it helps relax me when I wanted to be with my hubby, if you get my drift. So what do you guys think, do I have to tell the therapist everything or only when I'm ready, if ever?:dontknow:

 

[tryintobreathe]

That's a tough one. I think you probably know best. By everything...do you mean you are leaving out details? Or are you leaving out events?

Jen

 

[wattle]

I've left out details but also several bad events.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

I get the feeling from reading your post that you haven't gotten a sense of how much you can comfortably/safely share with your therapist. It seems that you don't have an attachment or bond to your therapist. It's like you haven't latched on yet. I'm not sure if 7 months is beyond the point where this should occur. But I do know that I latched on/attached to my therapist within the first year. Perhaps you should set a time limit. Decide where you are going to draw the line. If you still feel this detached from your therapist in 2 years I would say that you really need to move on. Personally, I would draw the line at 30 sessions.

IMHO, a good attachment will make you feel like you want to tell. You would feel like you want them to know and to hear you say it because you would feel like they have something to offer: help. From what you are saying, I gather that you must not want/need help or you might just not trust/believe that your therapist is the one who can help you. Or maybe you are slowly getting ready and just don't realize it.

Sorry if I am way off base. It was worth a shot I suppose!:smile:

 

[Manic11]

In my opinion, Wattle, I think that talking to a therapist at all is a great step! You should definitely be proud of the progress you made. But there does come a time where you do have to make the next step. Sometimes it is very uncomfortable but also sometimes you have to give yourself that push.

Do you think you would feel better continuing the way you are going or do you think (in the long run) it would be better if you stepped out of your comfort zone and told him more/eventually everything?

Also remember, it's not going to happen overnight.

Manic

 

[Claire]

You have to tell your therapist everything but when you are ready. In my experience that time is never comfortable. It didn't feel good. It was really hard.

How can he help you if he doesn't know the whole story? You wouldn't take a car to the mechanic and withold information about what was wrong with it. Or go to the doctor and make him guess what was making you ill when you actually knew. I know its not easy but to get the best out of therapy you really do need to tell him everything. If you dont feel you could ever do that with this one then find another but it sounds like you have a bit of a bond with this guy and are on the right road. Only you can decide that though. Good luck.

 

[Butigotup]

Therapy will (well, should) get more effective the more you tell your therapist about what you are dealing with. The things you haven't told him are affecting the way you think and the way you feel, so he will be better at helping you change the way you think and feel when he knows about them.

At the same time, if you push yourself to tell everything before you are ready, you could find it difficult to trust him and difficult to do your part of the hard work of therapy.

So it's ultimately up to you to decide when you're going to push outside what you're comfortable with and say something you've kept hidden. It will probably make your therapy more effective when you can do it, but that doesn't mean you've somehow failed if you can't do it yet.

 

[Grainne]

It took me a while to tell my therapist everything. I started slowly with her, as I do with everyone I have any kind of a relationship with, and as the work progressed, it became easier and easier to express things to her. Mind you, many of the hard things I have told her have been pretty much mumbled directly to the floor...lol...but she understands. That's why I keep going back.

 

[Mina]

Well, what jumps out at me is that I'm guessing your sexual abuse and rape were at the hands of a male. From there, it would make sense to me that these would be very, very difficult things to confide in any male, even a therapist.

Eventually it's probably beneficial to tell a therapist everything, but perhaps not THIS therapist. Personally, I never even considered going to a male therapist - I would rather just not go at all. I would never be able to bond with (aka trust) a male therapist, nor tell him details of anything of a sexual nature. It was hard enough telling another female about my problems with my father, much less my suspicions of childhood sexual abuse by an unknown party...I'd have never, ever done so with a male.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

I tend to agree with Mina on this. I have been open with my therapist from the beginning - I immediately felt comfortable with her. She started our first session by telling me her history - and she went into counseling because she was also abused. She gets it. I needed someone that GOT IT.

I recently had a flashback - a bad one - that made me realize my abuse was worse than I thought. She told me that she was glad I found out now - because what if I had been going happily along my way and then all of a sudden 5 - 10 yrs from now I remember - probably wouldn't be good. Now, I can deal with it and accept it.

So in my opinion - you should be able to tell your therapist all the traumas that have gotten you where you are today. Granted not in the beginning - but if after 7 months you don't feel comfortable doing that - then you need to think about why. Is it the therapist, is it because he's male, or is it because you are still trying to stuff it down and pretend like it didn't happen? (Trust me - I understand, I played that game for many years.)

As far as the pot smoking - try that one out on him as a test. Seems like the "safest" area to start with. In my opinion, he won't be surprised. He may not like it, but he shouldn't be shocked at all. Most abuse survivors and in fact most people with untreated PTSD self-medicate in some form or the other. I'm sure he's heard worse than someone smoking pot to relieve anxiety.

 

[wattle]

Thanks for the replies everyone.:smile:
I think a big part of not being completely honest is that the therapist is a male, trouble is I'm in a very small country town, don't get out much by choice and this therapist is the only one who visits the town once a fortnight so I'm pretty much stuck with him.
It's a trust thing, I mean apart from my hubby and sons I rarely have contact with other males at all, suits me that way. I know I've come a long way with this therapist so I should be able to trust him but it's a tough one. Sometimes he freaks me out a bit, his office is small, he seems huge and he has a terrible habit of scooting across the floor on his office chair thats on wheels, scares the crap out of me when he does it in my direction, probablly I should tell him that. When I first started seeing him I felt very trapped in his office because he was between me and the door out but I mentioned that and he changed his office furniture around which has helped a lot.
It's a week on since my last therapy session and I'm still undecided what to do.

 

[Claire]

I think you should tell him what you just said here. You dont even have to be specific at this stage. You could just say that there's other stuff but its hard to tell him because he's a man. Tell him you dont like the chair thing he does. If he's moved the furniture around already for you then he sounds like he wants to try and make you feel comfortable. He's probably totally unaware you dont like it. My therapist asked me if I minded if he kept his glasses on. I felt a bit bad saying it but I said I didn't like him with them on so he doesn't wear them unless he needs to read something during the session. Maybe you need to talk to him about feeling safe with him before you go any further. Maybe there are things you could do to make the room, with you both in it, feel safer.