Infertility

[Lucycat]

My Gynae history is complicated.

After we got married Rory had his Vasectomy reversed ( From his first marriage and 3 kids). It was only after that, that I discovered I was infertile. I was born with a divided uterus and 2 cervixes. I had them surgically corrected. However I was also noted to have polycystic ovaries. I guess it was all stacked against me. But we went through 10 years of fertility treatment, IUI and IVF etc, to no avail. finally we decided to give up, as I could no longer cope with the emotional turmoil.

I always believed that this had happened to me, because I had allowed myself to be sexually abused. I thought this was God's punishment. I thought He had decided that I would abuse my own children - after all you read that everywhere- so thought I would not be a fit mother.

We considered adoption, but that became complicated because Rory is older than me, and it made a difference to the children we would be 'allowed' to adopt. Anyway, truth is I wanted to have MY OWN children. Adoption would be second best, and no child deserves that.

I found it very hard as friends and family all went on to have their own babies, and I was left behind, and left out. Again, different to everybody else.

However in the past year and a bit, since I was diagnosed with CPTSD and started therapy , I have been able to accept that this is just an unfortunate mistake of nature that my reproductive organs were just not quite right. It is NOT my fault. There is no god to punish me anyway, so one less judgement to try and understand.

I can accept and love Rory's sons and the 4 wonderful grandchildren they have produced between them.

I guess I will always grieve for the children that never were, but I can at least be grateful for the life that I do have now - and the fact that I have never had to look for a babysitter:lmao:

 

[leanne1321]

Awww Lucy!

I can't imagine how hard this must have been for you. You seem to have dealt with it as best you could, and at least you have grandchildren to look after, that must be a comfort.

 

[Butterfly]

Hi Brucielucy. You are not alone. I haven't been through fertility treatments but I have some complications that mean kids might not be in the cards for me. It is possible, but not very likely. I want so much to have a child but I have to accept it just might not happen.

I guess the best we can do is to accept it for how it is and try to find meaning however we can, such as you have found with your grandkids. And yes there are advantages, we have more freedom, and without a kid to take care of that is that much more time we have to take care of ourselves.

I wish you peace and happiness.

 

[Hlost]

That's a long road you've been on to come to this point. I've got a gf that's on it now and the procedures are mind-boggling, I can only be there for her and love her. I can't imagine the emotional toll it's taken but my heart goes out to you. In the end there is the relationship with Rory and your journey together. My husband never has had children yet he has taken on mine and my Grandchildren, all four of them. They are rich to have him in their lives and I'm amazed that he enjoys them like he does, I'm very grateful.

HLost

 

[Lucycat]

Today, I feel completely worthless as a human being. We are here to reproduce and at that I am a complete and utter failure.

I am hurting so much, feel completely alone and isolated.

 

[Nyx]

The theory of the family constellations says that families lose their right to reproduce if a "burden" is carried too long without being dealt with. Burdens are traumatic events which are kept secret, which whole generations refuse to acknowledge (i.e. abuse, crimes, suicides). Maybe it's just supposed to happen at you. That doesn't make you worthless and it doesn't make it your fault. I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I wish I could use some magic words to make it better... Just try to remember: you didn't choose this, it is not your fault.

 

[cherryblossom]

You are not completely worthless. We are all so much more than just reproductive organs. Whilst I understand what you are saying, and having read your Diary, I get why you would feel so upset, but what ever you say, I will not accept that you are a failure!

I don't have children, and I doubt that I ever will. I can't even hold down a relationship long enough to even discuss having children, let alone try to find out if I can conceive! I'd have to have sex for that to happen :eek:

I'm not making light of your feelings. I'm just pointing out that we are all different. And we all have different qualities to offer our loved ones and contribute to society and the world.

Not being able to have children does not make you worthless, or useless, or a failure. But you also have every right to be upset that you've had that choice taken away from you. Allowing yourself to feel upset, and acknowledge those feelings actually sounds much more positive, than denying your feelings, and trying to stuff it all away.

:affection::love::affection:

 

[Love&Light]

I will firmly and politely disagree with your opinion of adoption.

 

[Lucycat]

We considered adoption, but that became complicated because Rory is older than me, and it made a difference to the children we would be 'allowed' to adopt. Anyway, truth is I wanted to have MY OWN children. Adoption would be second best, and no child deserves that.

I stand by what I said. I respect anyone who chooses to adopt a child, however it was/is not right for me and Rory. As Rory is 18 years older than me, we could not adopt a baby when we were looking into this seriously many years ago. We could have adopted a profoundly disabled child. Rory and I have both worked with disabled youngsters. Before we moved to Scotland we were also very actively involved in volunteering with such children - both those who are physically and emotionally /mentally disabled. We realised that we could not do this on a permanant basis as parents as a choice. What's more I had to absolutely respect Rory's decision in this. It had to be the two of us equally commited, and he just could not do it. I respect his honesty in that.

I have several friends who have adopted children - both well children and those with difficulties. I am very pleased for them. I have also seen adopted children 'sent back' when the families could not cope. I think that is a dreadful thing to happen to a child.

For me, I feel it is a biological need to be pregnant and give birth and have a child of my own. FOR ME an adoption would not satisfy that need. It is not the adopted child who would be second best, but the situation they would be in.

I am now too old anyway. It is an academic hypothetical discussion. I am grieving for what I could never have.

 

[Nyx]

I have also seen adopted children 'sent back' when the families could not cope. I think that is a dreadful thing to happen to a child.

True. No child should live through such thing.

 

[Lucycat]

But you also have every right to be upset that you've had that choice taken away from you. Allowing yourself to feel upset, and acknowledge those feelings actually sounds much more positive, than denying your feelings, and trying to stuff it all away.

Thanks, CB.
I guess that is what I needed to hear.