General Initial Isolation

[ChloeX]

Hello all. I have learned through this site that isolation is typical behavior.. there is however a way to stay in a committed relationship and allow the space a sufferer may need. My question is.. have any of you went through an intitial isolation period where your sufferer ended things.... and came back?? I'd like to know so that I can prepare myself to set healthy boundaries upon my sufferers return. We are currently not together but I know that he loves me dearly.

 

[IvyMillie]

Hmmm I'm not sure how to answer your question. If you are in a committed relationship--I would think he would just take some time away and then come back. You seem to be confident of his love for you which is probably very reassuring. It depends what he is doing while he is getting his isolation--is he being destructive? How did he end things? I'm sorry I guess I don't have enough information to fully think of a possible response. I think it's good you want some boundaries--that will depend on also if he realizes he has a problem and you are able to talk about it.

 

[Prettysmile]

My question is.. have any of you went through an intitial isolation period where your sufferer ended things.... and came back??

Chole, To answer your question, YES. I have gone through it with my sufferer time after time after time after time and this time I decided I cant take it anymore. Its been going on for two years. My sufferer is madly in love with me and that is the problem. Too many emotions for him to handle I guess. He bails everytime we get extremly close or have an extremly romantic night together the next day he goes into isolation mode. He ends things all the time by saying we should just be best friends and I deserve better. But then he always comes back. This time around I told him I cant do this anymore. The emotional rollercoaster is draining me. I told him I dont want to be just a friend and if I cant have all of him I dont want him at all. Well I havent heard from him in 11 days. And I do miss him and I do know he will be back. He always comes back.

 

[IvyMillie]

That sounds like a lot to handle. It is probably too much for you for sure. I'm sorry that he isn't able to commit further to you. I think as you said that you need your own boundaries and you have to set what you can handle.

I'm sorry, but sometimes as one person mentioned on this site love isn't enough. Love really should also be to act in a loving way and he doesn't appear capable of doing that. I wish that he could commit to you, because it would probably be good for him to find a balance.

I hope the best for you. I wish that he could be there for you. I hope that if you do move on that you can endure the sadness it will entail.

 

[Prettysmile]

I'm sorry, but sometimes as one person mentioned on this site love isn't enough.

Haha IvyMillie, That person who happen to mention Love Just aint enough was me. :-). I took that qoute from one of my favorite songs " love Just aint enough". The Lyrics to the song speaks of exactly how I feel with the relationship with my sufferer. It goes :

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

 

[Prettysmile]

Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

[/QUOTE]

Thats the problem. No matter how much I read and learn about combat PTSD, I somehow cant see the truth, that this is the way it is and how it will always be. However I keep hoping things will change.

 

[sunshiney]

However I keep hoping things will change.[/quote]

Seems like something we all hope for. It's like you keep waiting, you get this little bit of hope because he comes back and he's sweet and caring and you think to yourself ok this time will be different. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

 

[JHBarron]

Chole, To answer your question, YES. I have gone through it with my sufferer time after time after time after time and this time I decided I cant take it anymore. Its been going on for two years. My sufferer is madly in love with me and that is the problem. Too many emotions for him to handle I guess. He bails everytime we get extremly close or have an extremly romantic night together the next day he goes into isolation mode. He ends things all the time by saying we should just be best friends and I deserve better. But then he always comes back. This time around I told him I cant do this anymore. The emotional rollercoaster is draining me. I told him I dont want to be just a friend and if I cant have all of him I dont want him at all. Well I havent heard from him in 11 days. And I do miss him and I do know he will be back. He always comes back.

The emotional roller coaster ride is not easy. After 2 years of back and forth, waiting for the next call or contact, I learned I was leading a very sad life. My friends were very concerned and I was too quite honestly. I lost hope, fun, laughter in my life. I had many nights of tears, friends consoling me, and angry emails to him because he was intermittent in his responses to my phone calls, etc. I finally saw a therapist to deal with feeling lonely, abandoned and hurt. It is important to be sure you are taking care of yourself. When I was finally exhausted (and honestly bored) of my tears, I realized I was ready to deal with looking at my self to get stronger. Not an easy journey but I am feeling better, not crying every day and getting involved with things like biking to feel better. My friend with PTSD and I communicate occasionally and he always seems happy to hear from me. But I had to move on because I do want to feel loved by someone who wants to spend time with me and commit to 'us'. I grew up in an emotionally abusive home with emotional rollercoaster rides and fear- don't want that any more. I wish you well in taking care of yourself. Then you can be there for him too if that is what is suppose to be in life for you.

 

[sunshiney]

Wow JHBarron. Your post definitely sounds familiar, as I'm sure it does to many. I just got done saying to a friend I'm hurting in side. I pretend like everything's okay and that I'm okay, but I'm not. I'm hurting and keep it bottled up. There's just so much hurt there. It's like an open wound, the more you keep touching it or throwing salt in it the more it hurts. To me it as if I have been band-aiding it for so long. I just never let it heal. If that makes sense.

 

[ChloeX]

Thank you for your responses. I am oh so grateful to have found this site.I am new to ptsd and all of experiences have really opened my eyes.My marine came home from Afghan in June and things have been chaotic since. I originally posted when my sufferer and I had no contact as he ended things between us a month ago..he shared that he loves me deeply and was glad that by parting he couldnt cause me to suffer anymore..he then acknowledged that he feels dead inside.It hasnt been easy but I have respected his need for time and space.(though I am confident in our love, we're two peas in a pod..he is legit my best friend) Anyway he began texting me late in the night last week. I ignored the first few texts and finally responded this week.I was pleasantly suprised that he actually took the initiative to carry on a conversation throughout the entire day..asking me a load of random questions ie. where are you working now? where is it located? what have you been up to?how is your sister?There was no conversation abt "us" or anything heavy but still I delight in having him contact me and Im hopeful this is the beginning of a healthy reconciliation. Any thoughts, suggestions or comments are soooo welcome

 

[lost4awhile]

Hi ChloeX, that's great that he is initiating conversation with you. I wanted to share my experience some in hopes that you may find use of it. Regrettably, I used to expected too much validation from my last boyfriend(due to ptsd) who has since passed away. I used to do what your sufferer does...break up with him and isolate myself for months.

I sympathize with you and your sufferer. I hope he is seeing a T or getting some help, because it sounds like he is really hurting. And the worst part about those retreats from who you love is that it's the most alone you could ever feel and all you want is for the person you ran from to come to you. In my current, healthy relationship I isolate myself but not in the same extreme way. And it helps that I get constant affirmation of his love. From how I see it, it sounds like your sufferer is so crazy in love with you that it brings up uncomfortable feelings he doesn't know how to deal with. For me, it's come with much time and reflection with a therapist to separate my ptsd symptoms and not let them affect my relationship. I know that when I feel like my guy does not love me, it's some deep part of me that needs validation of love which he cannot fill other than holding me and telling me it's okay. By him always showing me that he cares and keeping open arms helps that part of me that used to run away feel less afraid and I cave to him instead of isolating. I hope you can be there for him, but don't forget about yourself either. He needs to work with a therapist and be around those who love him. It sounds like your heart is pretty big, he is lucky:)