Inner Child Work..

[FindingMyself88]

So today took a very unexpected turn in therapy. We started with the plan from last week which was to decide next plan of treatment- basically whether to start another EMDR target next week or not. But first I had to tell her about my week. I've been sick and my mom pulled that crap the other night basically verbally attacking me by dredging up all the abuse I suffered from my dad, his wife and so on. I posted about it. Anyways I told my T about that and how I reacted, which was to completely meltdown and succumb to the flashbacks that followed and week into Bristol's fur.

This is when it took an unexpected turn. My T was explaining to me again how a my mom's mind works as she has borderline personality disorder (in no way was my T condoning her behavior, just to clarify!) and we discussed setting a boundary. All of a sudden I start crying and saying how it's just not fair and that I never want to accept that my mom is never going to change. She let me cry and tried to comfort me a little with words of validation.

She then asked me how would I treat myself if I was my mother. We talked a little about the only lady I've ever looked up to as a mother figure, Mama G as some of you heard me talk of her. She encouraged me to text or call her. I told her I felt like I was a burden on Mama G though, because I'm so ruined. She gently told me that that thought pattern was going to hold me back from healing and that by allowing Mama G to love me, I was giving her a gift in return.. I don't know if I can believe that, but I did text Mama G and told her I loved her, missed her, and was thankful for her. No response yet but she is always busy.

Anyways we were running out of time, so she said next week she wanted to start on some inner child work and she had a visual meditation she wanted to with me then. She said again that I've come so far in the 4 months with her and she is proud of me.. I am nervous about next week. I don't know why, but I've always been awkward with kids and very timid around them… I have seen some of you post about Inner Child work, what is it like? I am afraid of being that vulnerable… today was hard enough..

 

[seedling]

For me, it's like meeting myself. I like it, I feel more whole.

Good job on the text!

 

[anthony]

Don't think too much about it, and just focus on your day today. You can't read the future, so don't try. Progress... that is what I get from the above... slow progress in the right direction. Thinking about unknown future aspects only creates symptoms for your present day, thus screws you up before you've done something that isn't difficult.

Inner child is merely referring to the inner self child state that every person has. Everything we remember about being a child before growing up, and a part of ourselves that acts uniquely to the mature adulthood mind.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you @seedling My T says she has always found the work very healing for abuse survivors. Even more so for ones of personality disordered parents who never really had the chance to be the child. I was parentified from an early age. Maybe this is why I am timid around kids..something to try and journal about..

@anthony thank you. You sound like my T when you said that about thinking about future causes my symptoms. Thats the thing though, I have VERY few if any really positive childhood memories…this will be going into the ugly stuff…but I am going to try not to focus on it. My T asked me to journal and try to "mother" myself this week..

 

[seedling]

@FindingMyself88 I've been thinking about what you said about "being that vulnerable." It made me wonder if I felt vulnerable as I explored my younger "selves."
I've found that they have their own strengths that got hidden away because I perceived them as unacceptable. I've worked on knowing myself better and identifying those traits in me, seeing how they come up in everyday life. Deep inside me where I keep those parts of me safe they can be themselves. If I meet them there sometimes I see them being themselves (me being myself).

I can't say what it will be like for you but it may be something better than you can imagine now. Even if it brings strong emotion.

 

[ghotiff]

I did some inner child work on my own (ideas from here and internet searching) and some of it was scary and confronting but I think it was good for me.

My favorite thing was to create a "toy box" or "art journal" for things that my inner child would like. In that I put items or cut out pictures of items that my inner child would like. I discovered through this that I really like drawing and coloring in but this was suppressed from my childhood. The process of trying to work out what my inner child would like was tricky but enjoyable. It was fun to browse toy shops trying to think about what my child might like.

Hope that helps.

 

[NIKI]

Thinking about unknown future aspects only creates symptoms for your present day, thus screws you up before you've done something that isn't difficult.

Thanks, Anthony, I needed to hear this today also.

allowing Mama G to love me

I'm glad you have Mama G to love you.