U
Uki
While I was diagnosed with PTSD a long time ago, it's not until recently with my current treatment that I started understanding what it means. I thought it was only evident when I was being extremely triggered and hiding in a closet or something similar.
Now I am trying to understand. I know there are lots of threads and if this was mentioned or explained before.
There is a lot of emphasis on CBT and DBT skills in my therapy. I recognize them as extremely useful, the problem is my inner dialog. If I have a negative "thought" and I say STOP and replace it with a positive, I feel this sad emptiness or I hear a FU which is better since then I can just say inwardly... I tried. I have never had black outs or anything that would suggest DID. I am just now trying to understand what are considered other symptoms of dissociation. It has been with me for so long I never stopped to consider it wasn't normal. For instance, I know I was sexually abused from the time I was 13 to 15. So I figured not feeling comfortable in my body or even feeling like my body did not belong to me was normal. I never questioned my spaciness or numbness since that has always been a part of me. I knew I didn't remember much until the 4th grade but found ways to explain that away. Not that I wasn't aware that growing up was a violent, chaotic and neglectful time, I just resented that I was too weak to get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself. I was sick of me having a victim mentality and thinking of my past too much.
Now I am afraid I am trying to make myself sicker than I am. I am questioning my thought process or what I have started to call my inner conversations.
I great deal of the time the conversations in my head will argue, debate or come to a consensus. They blame, comfort, say cruel things, and funny things. Today there is silence along with a spacey numb feeling and I just want to sleep or at least go to bed and pull the covers over my head. I feel sad and empty like I pushed someone away, something I usually do in relationships and feel bad afterwards. I know I should discuss this with my therapist. I am afraid she will think I am making a mountain out of a molehill.
Does anyone else struggle like this?
Now I am trying to understand. I know there are lots of threads and if this was mentioned or explained before.
There is a lot of emphasis on CBT and DBT skills in my therapy. I recognize them as extremely useful, the problem is my inner dialog. If I have a negative "thought" and I say STOP and replace it with a positive, I feel this sad emptiness or I hear a FU which is better since then I can just say inwardly... I tried. I have never had black outs or anything that would suggest DID. I am just now trying to understand what are considered other symptoms of dissociation. It has been with me for so long I never stopped to consider it wasn't normal. For instance, I know I was sexually abused from the time I was 13 to 15. So I figured not feeling comfortable in my body or even feeling like my body did not belong to me was normal. I never questioned my spaciness or numbness since that has always been a part of me. I knew I didn't remember much until the 4th grade but found ways to explain that away. Not that I wasn't aware that growing up was a violent, chaotic and neglectful time, I just resented that I was too weak to get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself. I was sick of me having a victim mentality and thinking of my past too much.
Now I am afraid I am trying to make myself sicker than I am. I am questioning my thought process or what I have started to call my inner conversations.
I great deal of the time the conversations in my head will argue, debate or come to a consensus. They blame, comfort, say cruel things, and funny things. Today there is silence along with a spacey numb feeling and I just want to sleep or at least go to bed and pull the covers over my head. I feel sad and empty like I pushed someone away, something I usually do in relationships and feel bad afterwards. I know I should discuss this with my therapist. I am afraid she will think I am making a mountain out of a molehill.
Does anyone else struggle like this?
