Introduce Myself...?

[gloverrivergirl]

I don't know who I am anymore. I know my diagnoses...PTSD Uncontrolled, Chronic Cephalagia, Chronic Insomnia, Chronic Anxiety, Optic Nervitis and now Fibromyalgia.

How did I end up here in this place?

I had a husband that beat me for the last 4 years my son was in high school, he threatened to burn the house, or that my son would have "an accident" if I told anyone. I used to do a lot of stage makeup when I was younger, so I was good at hiding it.

My boss, she knew, she took pictures of the bruises and stuff for over 3 years and she kept a journal I didn't know about. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore and she called my family and told them a few months before my son was due to graduate to get me out or he was gonna kill me. My family intervened and removed us from the home.

The next few months, really close to a year are a blur of doctors, and running and hiding. I finally had to leave the state.

We are still wrapped up in court battles. I am terrified of men I don't know, and I mean men I that are not family or like family. I am trying to get disability, I cannot go to the grocery store alone, I freak out and hyperventilate.

This is 4 years later I still have these problems. I have tried to work and the pain along with the severe inability to interact normally with the outside world caused my doctors to recommed disability. I take Topomax, Neurontin, Valium (only when needed), pain medication for the MANY bones in my face that have been broken and the Optic Nervitis which causes pressure behind my eye and severe pain.

I thought eventually I would be "normal" again, but I am starting to realize that what he did to me, and it wasn't just beatings, has forever changed me.

I will never be the same again. And it makes me angry and sad.

 

[Ted Moen]

Surviving a hostile environment leaves us feeling sad and angry. It leaves us changed. It leaves us needing a lot of theraputic support just to do things that should be simple. It leaves us unable to participate in relationships. It leaves us wondering why we bothered doing the things we had to do to survive. It leaves us wondering if it's worth the effort to continue doing the things we need to do to continue to survive.

It makes us angry and sad.

Surviving presents us with the challenge of learning to live with ptsd, along with the other challenges that developed along the way. It presents us with an opportunity. If we accept the challenge we can learn to participate in the activities and relationships that can bring joy and purpose back into our life. It will be different than what we expected prior to the trauma, but it can be every bit as rewarding.

Best wishes.

Ted

 

[OKRADLAK]

Domestic Violence can cause as much PTSD as combat. I read a report on it and was astounded.

I hope you find support here. There are many who have domestic violence PTSD and can offer so much wisdom. You are strong to have survived.

 

[Cheshire]

I'm so sorry you've suffered this way. I'm glad you found this forum, there's some great information and support. Welcome.. I hope you find some peace here.

 

[Ron]

Welcome to the forum! My heart goes out to you.:unsure:

 

[gloverrivergirl]

Thank you for the words of encouragement. Each day seems to be one struggle after another. I thought by now it would be SO much better, normal even. But it isn't.

Maybe it never will be again. That is wherein my frustration lies.

For me it isn't just the PTSD, it is the NONSTOP pain that I have that I deal with that seems to compound the PTSD, the pain is a daily reminder of all that went on. Sometimes it triggers something like a moviereel in my head of events that I can't stop. I don't know if that makes any sense. The doctors can't make the pain stop, not completely, as it is all nerve damage.

The last couple of weeks have been hard, really hard. My son came home on R&R from the Middle East, he is in the Army. I am proud of him, but putting him back on a plane again is ALWAYS a difficult thing to do and it tends to trigger a round of pain and panic attacks and a spiral into worsening PTSD problems for a few months. I KNOW this but I can't seem to help it, makes me feel like a failure. I can't seem to control it and it makes me angry with myself which makes all of the symptoms and problems worse. UGH!

Anyway, thanks for the support. It is difficult to talk to anyone who understands, really understands what this is like.

 

[a3a2]

gloverivergirl,

I am so sorry for the abuse that you suffered, and that you are struggling. I can't imagine how overwhelming it must be in your position. There are a lot of great people hear on the forum, and I think you will find a lot of wisdom, understanding and concern.

 

[shebug]

(((gloverrivergirl)))

My eyes are tearing up here, which isn't a bad sign. It means I'm grieving. I grieve for you, and me, and all of us who have lost so much because of domestic violence. So often I feel diminished, because I know I will never be the person I once was, will never achieve the things I once set out to do - I no longer CAN be or do those things, not now and not ever. I know how you must be feeling, at least a little of it.

However, having been a victim, and a survivor, and an advocate, there is also the fact that I HAVE managed to keep on keeping on despite everything, and finally I'm beginning to be able to respect the courage and tenacity it takes to do that. I see it in other people, and am impressed and amazed - then finally it dawned on me that maybe I too deserve a little of the respect and admiration I so easily give to others. And so do you.

No, I can't go back and retrieve all that was beaten out of me, the years are lost and the physical/intellectual damage is permanent. Blaming myself, as I did for many, many years and still do sometimes, is counter-productive. All I can do is the best I can do with what I have to work with. It's all any of us can do.

And you know, what I have left isn't really all that bad. The hardest part has been deciding that I'm not going to compare myself, not to others and not to the person I used to know as my own self.

For WAY too long I kept feeling like a total failure because I wasn't living up to the expectations I'd set for myself - it's been only just recently, relatively speaking, these past few years or so, that I've learned enough to realize that those expectations were set for SOMEONE ELSE, not the ME that I've been for all this time, not the ME of today. I had to just let them go, those mis-placed expectations, and when I finally did ... well, that's when I started to GET IT that I HAVE done the best I can - I can't ask any more of myself than that and nor can you or any of us.

You're still here, you're still your own self, you're still fighting the good fight, so hang in there. Hold on tight and just do not let go; use this forum and whatever other resources you can find to help you - accept all the hugs and feel all the encouragement and compassion that you'll find here. Look at yourself and see that the BEST IS STILL THERE.

hearts and hugs to you

 

[Ron]

Hey shebug, that was absolutely wonderful.