Invited Me Or Not ?

[Sammyiam]

Please is this in the right place ?

Hi everyone,

Can you please just answer me on this.

I have a good friend, who's birthday is this week and I got an invite by her husband to go out to a restaurant for tea. There were about 10 couples on the e-mail and I don't do social events very often but I thought as she is a good friend I will make an effort and go. In the meantime I was talking to her and she said are we coming to her party, then went on to say it is at a very flash restaurant and it's silver service and made it seem very flash and said she just thought that she would let me know but didn't think it would be me as I would have to get dressed up, or maybe my black pants and a really tidy shirt might be ok, if I still fit my black pants. (You see because of my medication I have put on 10 kilos in the last 3months ) I have now lost two of those by the way ! . I was like oh yea that's not me I'm sorry I wouldn't feel ok in that situation, and felt bad for letting her down.( she knows about my past)

She said that's ok I just wanted to ask but didn't think you would want to come, I spent the last few days feeling bad. Then they came over last night and her husband said you are the only one that's hasn't replied to my e-mail yet (this was from a few days ago), I turned and said I told your wife I wasn't going to go as it is silver service and really flash and I don't do that sort of thing as I would have to get really dressed up.
He turned around and said Its not silver service just wear something black it's a dark restaurant you will blend in no one will see you and laughed and said you will be great.

They have two houses one as a holiday home where we live and one in the city and live half and half in each. But I have the feeling that she didn't want me to go as I would not fit in with her city friends and would make her embarrassed by me.

You see as I was abused very young I have never felt like a girl and have always dressed like a tom boy when little and still dress in men's clothes, track pants and sweatshirts tee shirts etc mostly all black ..... Will all black I suppose. I wear running shoes and only have one set of what I call funeral clothes ( pants and a nice shirt and shoes which I wear, and I'm sure I feel worse that the person that has normally died ) I feel so bad and yuck when I wear them and so self conscious it isn't funny. I always dress very clean and tidy but what I'm saying is I wear mainly sports clothes etc brand clothes like Canterbury and Nike and stuff like that but they are black and men's clothing from sports shops .

What I'm asking myself now is am I an embarrassment to all my friends but they just don't tell me like the old saying ;
Do these jeans make my bum look fat ? NO NO they look fine.

How many of my friends hate me and the way I dress, but just don't say anything.
I feel really bad now and just want to crawl under a rock and never come out and now think I shouldn't do my course either as I'm not very good at that either and people will just make fun of me and she is right I do dress like a boy and if I did the course I would have to dress up really flash and I can't so what's the point in that either.

Thanks everyone

 

[mrsps]

Sammy! Your friends dont like you because of what clothes you wear they like you because you are you, because of your personality!!
Don't let this get you down.
I also dislike social situations, I normally avoid them. I have felt really bad in the past when I haven't gone to my friends, kids parties but my friend knows the reasons why I haven't gone and she is ok with that. Now though I am forcing myself to go to social gatherings because I know the only way to face my fear is to do it. Feel the fear and do it anyway is my motto at the mo. It is really hard but I know if I don't force myself I will get no where and be a loner.
Only you can make the decision to go or not and if you chose not to, that is ok, don't feel bad about it!

 

[Hashi]

You might not like my response.

I have no idea of your friend's true intentions. I think it's quite possible that she was thinking of you, sympathising with you, trying to accommodate what she knows about your situation and wanting to support you if you felt unable to go. Who knows? To be very honest, I don't think this is about trying to guess what your friend meant. I think it's about how you're responding.

I would like to gently suggest you re=read your last paragraph.

I feel really bad now and just want to crawl under a rock and never come out and now think I shouldn't do my course either as I'm not very good at that either and people will just make fun of me and she is right I do dress like a boy and if I did the course I would have to dress up really flash and I can't so what's the point in that either.

To me, this voice is 100% child. I can understand that. At the same time, I think maybe you need to find a way to acknowledge how a child aspect of you is reacting, and also be aware that you are now an adult and can bring your adult awareness into this too.

If you want to focus on "did she mean this or did she mean that" I think your focus would be misdirected, to be honest.

 

[Sammyiam]

@Hashi

That's fine Hashi,

Yes I did re read and your right it is a child's way.

I just really want to hide right now and that is the child in me. It's hard to get that person out of your head isn't it

 

[scout86]

I'm going to begin by seconding the idea that your friends don't hate you for the way you dress. Actually, no one in their right mind ought to hate you for the way you dress. They may not like the way you dress, but the way you dress is not you.

Last summer, a good friend of mine got married. The reception was held on a boat, touring around a lake. My friend wanted me to come, but she's my friend. She knows me, and she knows how I feel about social situations. Her invitation was something like, "We'd really like you to come, but you're going to be on a boat, with people, for 2 hours, and you won't be able to leave." I debated, but accepted. I worried a lot. But, I also reminded myself that all these people I didn't know were friends of my friends. I figured that meant they had to be both nice and interesting. They were. I had a great time, met some really interesting people, and was really glad I'd accepted the invitation.

What ever you do, feel good about it!

 

[littlelostchild]

Sammy, people like you for who you are not how you dress. I like you and I've never seen you! How you dress is your choice and your friends will like you no matter how you dress.

Don't give up on the course because you think you will have to dress a certain way. We all get to express our individuality through our choice of clothing and our choices can change as we change. But that will be up to you as you go along.

 

[TonyG]

I say insulting things to my friends all the time and they do the same, it's all just fun, Just go and enjoy the night because if they didn't want you to go they wouldn't of sent you the mail in the first place,

 

[Ghostybear73]

I know I will probably get a lot of people who disagree, but I would wonder about a couple things. One, did she fib about the place since her husband says its not silver and fancy, or is the husband fibbing and it is fancy. I don't understand why she would lie if she was just trying to help by giving you an out. All she had to do was say, "hey, there is going to be a lot of people there" and that would have been good.

People can be mean, even your friends, especially if you have friends of different economical/social/environmental backgrounds. Is she embarassed? well that would be her loss, right? A true friend would let you know the details and then offer to help you go pick out something nice that would help you fit in if you want to go

Of course, that's just my opinion. What's important Sammy is that you are who you are and if someone doesn't accept that, its their loss, not yours.

 

[Tinyflame]

I have no doubt @Sammyiam that you can pull it off. But like @Ghostybear73 said above, the question is also if you want to.

I hope you choose what's best for you. You should be able to feel reasonably welcome.

:hug:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I don't know what your friend's intentions were. She may have meant that the restaurant was more flash than maybe you're used to. She may have been wanting to support you and give you an out. Or she may have been trying to keep you away from her other friends (I am not sure, but it is a realistic possibility because we all have child-like parts in us and children can be mean like that). However, if she is your friend, you can ask her. You can say you're confused about whether the place is flash or not since she and her husband said different things (and they may just have a difference in opinion). And you can be honest and tell her that you were thinking of going because you wanted to show your friendship by attempting to do something hard. I am not sure I would be able to have that conversation, but if you can, it would probably help you figure out where you stand.

And even if this friend has a problem with the way you dress, it does not mean all of your friends do. Friends will not care what you dress like. They will like you for the person you are.

 

[Tinyflame]

Do you know what her friends are like? Is she concerned about appearances?

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Sammyiam :hug:'s. I was browsing through the fashion mags at the Dr.'s office and I started laughing, ok? Some of the clothes they have out on the run way at top dollar defies both gender & matching patterns. So, hey...just march to your own drummer.

Besides, when I look at old pictures of myself and what I wore that was so vogue, I quickly hide them lest I scare someone!:clown: Vanity, all is vanity. Dress in black, it's mysterious- so be proud! :hug: