Is a relationship too perfect

[Gunejoh]

Someone else would be patient with you, this is a big world! There are lots of nice someones out there, you know?

It took me over a decade to see I was being abused, it was so insidious and I think what you have said are definite early warning signs.. even after a year..

 

[Regij]

That's a bummer. I wouldn't stick around to see if/when it escalates.

Good job reaching out. Chalk this up to a learning experience. Continue to trust yourself. You know best!

 

[Tezedo]

Thank you everyone so much it’s so hard to realize but better late then never thank you

 

[Gunejoh]

It really is better late than never, now you can look for someone who will be nice to you instead of wasting time on someone abusive ;)

 

[Ojo]

Someone out there is going to love you for who you are and be incredibly patient with you.

 

[Wigel]

They’ve also been very sexual when I don’t want to be and they know I don’t want to be, they coerce me or guilt me into by saying stuff like how good it is for them and if I say no they don’t get mad they just make me feel bad later passively, yet maintaining that they aren’t angry in the slightest.

How do they make you feel bad later passively?

And, how do they know that you don't want to be sexual? What kind of sexual are we talking about, actual sex, or intimacy/foreplay, or...? I'm just wondering how they know you're not in the mood, even before they initiate something. Do you tell them?

It's possible you're expecting them to read your mind.

 

[Igec]

Hmmm this can be a tough one...I have a freind who is in a relationship with a guy who's supposedly nice and respectful but some of the things she's told me about him, he comes of as an abusive jerk - one of those who fools others into thinking he's great. Her family all love him. Anyway, abusers can indeed seem great to everyone. I would look for things like...How does he talk about exes (asked and answered already); are things in the relationship moving a bit too fast? He may treat his mother and/or sisters great but is he too attached to them (that can be a problem too)...Does he make you feel guilty about going out with other people (friends)? Does he value your opinion? Etc. Good luck!

 

[Zafobi]

Hmmm this can be a tough one...I have a freind who is in a relationship with a guy who's supposedly nice and respectful b...

OMG your friend should RUN!

People are different around different people, but if it’s a nice/nasty dichotomy, this is the hallmark of an abuser!

 

[Aheg]

How do you know if that’s the case?

For me if a new relationship seems like a rocket ride into bliss it's a red flag. It's probably my own personal issue but if people are "head over heels" with their involvement with me I tend to be wary. I have gotten cough up in that type of relationship IRL or wherever and for me it's bad news. I tend to prefer even keeled people who keep it cool and chill. No rockets to space and unavoidable crashes. That scares me...

 

[Ahit]

OMG your friend should RUN!

People are different around different people, but if it’s a nice/nasty dichotomy, this i...

I totally agree. Some of the things he has said to her were clearly meant to lower her already low self-esteem etc. He also got upset when she so much as looked in the direction of another guy who maybe was and maybe wasn't checking her out. These are all major red flags. Unfortunately, her illness, low self-esteem and family/cultural pressures all act to keep her with him. It's a long story but I don't want to get into it here as this thread is about the OP. It was just all tied into the theme of things seeming perfect initially...Or someone ticking all the boxes on paper but the reality being quite different

 

[Ugo]

^ this sounds familiar, both of my own past and of someone I know.. it makes sense and its so sad

 

[Uniz]

It’s so incredible that you figured this out. Also all these people here that helped you understand and validated you. This is like a beautiful thing.