General Is Abrupt Abandonment And Irrational Criticism Common?

[User1]

I recently met a retired veteran (recently retired) and we dated for only a couple of weeks. During that time he met my family and I met all of his children. Though I noticed he had some quirks and insecurities as well as unusually sensitive reactions to common occurrences, I never would have believed it would have ended the way it did. It is important to note that he had experienced a head injury and was treated in a military hospital for 6 months for PTSD.

One night he text me and we had plans. He said to meet him as soon as I finished work. Shortly thereafter he text and said "sweety it's not a good night for me...I'm just gonna try and go to sleep. I'm sorry... Please forgive me." I responded with "That's fine. Ttyl" He later responded with "You seem mad....actually quite evident." I said " actually no". He later asked me via text if I was out. I told him I had met my brother for a drink since we no longer had plans. This infuriated him. He text that he could not believe I could just go out and not care at all. This was not my truth but his. I'm not clear what he wanted me to do. I kept reminding him that he said he didn't want to see me.

After that it was a continuous barrage or texts all night long with him stating that I didn't bother to check on him and that he had a bad day and I didn't even care. Said he was crazy about me and all I had to do was care and proceeded to belittle me, judge me and condemn me and call me selfish. I tried repeatedly to console him and said I would be there in a quick hurry. I told him I thought texts can be misconstrued after all I took his text literally and thought he was tired and wanted to go to bed rather than see me. We have never seen each other since though there have been some exchange of text all of which we're confusing and the berating continued. He said repeatedly that if I was just messing with his head to just not respond to his text and that he had deleted my number and would never bother me again. No amount of consoling and apologizing has worked and as of Monday he stopped responding.

My friends think this is hopeless and feel he is grossly insecure and abusive. Can anyone here give me any insight? Should I just let it go and face the music? In his texts he has said that if he knew I had a bad day he would have been there for me though I have pointed out that he has vanished and won't see any other way of thinking than his own. My logic tells me this is not what I want or need in my life but it really stings to be so grossly misunderstood and then excommunicated.

 

[Gryffy]

I've only been here about a month, but sudden abandonment certainly does seem to be a common trend. Irrational criticism is less so but not unheard of.

Is he getting help? No matter how much you care about someone or want to be there for them, you cannot help them if they do not help themselves. I do not believe in abandoning people, so if he was getting help and was committed to working through this with you (and vice versa), that would be one thing. But what you described sounds a lot like codependency and emotional abuse, and you haven't even known each other for very long yet. Ultimately, you have to take care of yourself first. Do not get more emotionally involved if it looks like all he will do is continue to abuse you.

 

[User1]

Thank you for taking the time to respond Gryffy. I modified my post a tad and that may add a little more explanation. I do not know if he is currently receiving treatment. We talked about some things and when he became emotional we stopped and gave the conversation a break. Because I didn't have a lot of time with him, there is certainly much I do not know. I agree with the codependency and emotional abuse. I suppose my posting here is my effort of taking care of myself to be able to let go and not let this consume me. His behavior and reactions certainly make it seem hopeless or at the very least setting myself up for abuse. I noticed he was a pretty heavy drinker beginning very early and throughout the day and night. This too is a concern.

 

[ill]

I think you logic is dead-on. Basically, you took him at his word. How could that be a bad thing? But apparently what he said and what he wanted were actually two different things and instead of realizing, "Hey, if I want X, I have to say I want X instead of saying I want Y," he's lashing out at you for taking him at his word and not being a mindreader. That's pretty inappropriate behaviour, therapy or not, and he sounds manipulative. Personally, I'm not of the opinion that leaving a relationship that doesn't work for you is "abandoning" someone, but even if it was, I would think this was definitely worthy of abandonment.

 

[Gryffy]

It's good that you came to this board. :) Welcome. The community here has helped me so much in just 4 weeks and I'm sure it can help you too.

Yeah, the fact that these issues are showing up so early in the relationship is concerning as well. I believe problems like this can be worked through, but it requires a lot of commitment and love to get through it, and that takes far longer than a few weeks of dating to develop. At the VERY least, set up some strict boundaries and do not let him walk all over you. But you'd be safer to walk away now rather than later; I worry that he'd continue to abuse you and then possibly try to guilt trip you into staying with him.

 

[User1]

Thank you ill! Your response is certainly comforting. I particularly queued in on your use of the term manipulation. I appreciate your thoughts about the behavior definitely being worthy of abandonment. This is how I feel I just have been second guessing and I'm not clear why. I was a very happy single successful gal before I met him and this brief interaction with perhaps hope of finding a companion has certainly started to bring me down and for what? I didn't even know this guy a month ago.

 

[User1]

Thank you Gryffy. I already feel a clearer mindset and think the feedback is pointing me in the direction toward peace. It is a wonderful thing that you and others have done by responding. I felt really defeated before reading your posts.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You did nothing wrong. He said he wanted to sleep. Normal people take this as an obvious message to NOT text. I mean, people know that I personally do not leave my phone on when I sleep, so they can call/text me 24/7 and if I don't respond, it's because I'm asleep. Yes, I have the luxury of being able to shut off my phone because there is no emergency that can't wait until the morning, ie I don't have kids to worry about and such. However, I don't contact anyone at a late hour if I know they keep their cell on because it is just damn rude to be calling/texting people when you know they're asleep. So no, you did nothing wrong. This guy isn't ready to be in a relationship.

 

[Justmehere]

Everything you describe is something that can happen with a head injury alone... PTSD or head injury or just being a jerk - you didn't cause this and you don't deserve this. He's acting really childish and abusive, and if it is this bad just a few weeks into it, that does not bode well for the future of the relationship. I would be concerned he could be even more abusive in the future when he lets even more of his guard down. I mean, you have only known him for a few weeks and he is really abusive and reactive about really simple and logical text messages. What happens if something serious actually comes up? The good thing is that you are figuring it out now, not later on, that he is not someone who is ready for a long term mutually respectful relationship... and now you can go out and find someone who is ready! As hard as something like this can be, this is part of what dating is about - finding who is the right kind of guy for you, and who isn't. There is lots of reason for hope that you will find someone else who you will be happy with.

 

[User1]

Thank you both Solara and Justmehere. Your words are truly helpful and I feel like I can now go to work today with more focus than I have had in two weeks. It is really amazing what a little support can do to revive your spirits. Thanks so much for taking the time to help me! Have a great Friday!!