General Is He Gone for Good or Is This Just a Bump?

[volgirl]

Hi - I just joined the forum. I recently met a soldier who has been diagnosed with PTSD (he is also recovering from serious physical injury.) The attraction was pretty immediate and we started dating. I really like him and, while I wanted to be cautious, I was pretty excited about the possibilities....and he seemed into me, too. He didn't hesitate to talk about future plans and, most importantly, he seemed genuinely happy when we were together. It was very easy and comfortable and he was slowly opening up about his personal life.

Unfortunately, he's recently had a pretty big setback/stress involving a custody dispute with his ex. He had shared his concern about it and I know it's pretty devastating to him. Since then, he's backed off considerably. He let me know what happened and apologized for being out of touch for a bit (a week or so.) I told him I understood and that I was still around if/when he was ready. I gave it another week and left him a voicemail again saying I understood, but that I missed him and thought he might want to get out to see a movie or something else distracting. Got a text back a couple days later saying thanks for the nice message, that we'd "talk soon" and to "take care."

Under ordinary circumstances, and with any other guy - I would take that as a total blow off and presume I won't be hearing from him again. (It wasn't exactly encouraging.) I'm certainly not inclined to reach out to him again - it's pretty uncomfortable out on that limb. But, given his situation, should I look at it differently? I want him to know I care, but at what point should I take a hint?

Any advice welcome...

 

[Deleted member 541]

I wouldn't take it as a blow off, but I also wouldn't be sitting home waiting for the phone to ring either.....

He is doing what we do best, isolating, and pushing others out. Stress of any kind can make us retreat, and make us sick. We don't handle stress to well, and without good coping skills we don't do well at all.

If he isn't into therapy, then there may be another issue. He needs to be, but only he can make that call. he needs to WANT to get better, and to do the work to get there.....

 

[volgirl]

Thanks for the reply. He is in therapy - and on meds, which is good. As he's also rehabbing for physical injury, he's under pretty careful observation. It seems as though he's working his program. But if he won't let me in, it doesn't seem like I can be a help. It's tough to know whether I should just move on.

 

[Thankful]

Hi Volgirl

Welcome! :)
The Sufferer I know and write about on here used to be my boyfriend. He has many of the same things going on as you wrote about (concerning the guy you just met) so I thought I'd reply.
The list of things going on for the guy you met - Vet, PTSD, injury and custody issues - is a 'loaded' list in my opinion, and something to really stand back and look at before investing more of yourself. As already noted, often Sufferers will retreat when things are especially stressful; that is something you can count on. Additionally, intimacy is often an 'issue' and not always dealt with head-on but more round about and when it's comfortable.
But truly - PTSD or not, your guy is already dealing with other intense stuff: physical pain, reintegrating to civilian life and custody issues...thats a whole lot right there. Add PTSD and his plate seems to be pretty full. I don't know him or you to accurately comment, am only giving an 'armchair' assessment. :)

In my opinion, I would take a few steps back and do some things to get your 'center' back - focus on yourself and loving yourself and life as it was before you met him. Then, if he comes back into your life you're a bit the wiser as well as grounded and can better assess whether you want to be involved, or not. Not easy when love is involved, I know, but this is what I would suggest given the 'ingredients' of the situation that you mentioned.

Take care... and take it easy. :)

Kristin

 

[pebbels]

Hello vogirl :hello:

My ex has ptsd and it was tough been with him, i had a lot to learn and learn't too late on this forum.

Space is very important to a sufferer as is trust and they don't think the way we do so there can be a lot of miscommunication and misunderstandings.

It takes a strong person to be with someone who has ptsd because the first thing a partner or friend has to learn is not to take things personally and that can be very hard as we are only human.

Good to hear he is in therapy as that is important on his journey to healing. As SpecialK has said he is overloaded at the moment and i would say he would be feeling overwhelmed so is retreating.

Just know that love alone can not fix him, it is a rollercoaster ride and there will probally be many more times when he will retreat.

If you want to be with him my advice to you is learn as much as you can about ptsd, read the carers threads and ask yourself, will i be able to not take things personally. As much as i tried it was very hard not to at times.

As much as it is his journey to take and heal, it takes two to make a relationship work regardless and that is where you would step in with boundries of what you will tolerate and what you wont.

I wish you all the best in whatever decision you make.:Hug_emoticon:

Pebs

 

[volgirl]

Wow. This is a pretty great group. :) Your posts have been so helpful. In this case, I've accepted that I shouldn't take his silence personally.

He did actually resurface (just this week) - but coming to any sort of resolution (or even a thoughtful conversation) seems like it's going to be a challenge. Though he seems to want to reconnect and see me, he also texted a cryptic "but I don't want to hurt you" message.

It seems to me that people who say that at the very start of a relationship either a.) intend to hurt you or b.) have hurt others to the point that they assume it's a forgone conclusion that they will disappoint in a relationship. Either way, it's worrisome.

My hope is that we can have an honest talk to establish some kind of baseline expectation for how a relationship (even a friendship) could work. I'd like to understand his perspective on his situation better to know if diving in is something I could handle. If anyone has any tips on how (or how not) to approach a conversation like that -- or, perhaps more importantly, how to encourage the conversation to take place in the first place -- I'm all ears. I feel like I have a million questions, but suspet I will probably only get to ask a very few (if I'm lucky.)

At this point, I've shared that I'd like to actually talk (NOT text - sometimes I curse the invention of text messaging!) I think I just have to wait and see if he's responsive. As much as I like and am attracted to him, if he's reluctant even to have a conversation about us, it seems unreasonable to continue to pursue anything.

Really appreciate all of your support. I volunteer with soldiers, many of whom suffer from PTSD, so whether or not I continue this particular personal relationship, I'll continue to learn from the forum.

 

[Thankful]

Hi Volgirl!

Awesome that you volunteer with soldiers - what do you do, exactly? Curious. And text messaging, I feel you on that one..I do not think it has made our world a better place, not at all. In fact I think the opposite! :) My Sufferer is a big fan of texting, and I think for those who might want to avoid intimacy it seems to them the greatest invention of all! :) lol
Your situation is eerily similar to mine, or what it was when I was still with my ex, a ROLLER COASTER of communications with him; texts like you received sound familiar and I think you are right to be aware and concerned. For him to both write that in a text and to even say that, without any context or additional information is some serious information for you to look at closely. Even though the information is from his heart, it is important - as a Carer or possible Carer - to stand back and take in the entire context of the information received; does that make sense? Not sure if I'm being very clear. :)
Anyhow, I do support you to not invest too much too soon and to talk with him, as well.

As far as how to talk to him - there are some great resources on here for that very subject. Look at the educational threads (at the bottom of the home page) and then there is a thread somewhere on here about how to talk with or be with a sufferer....might be under the PTSD chat area, don't remember; sorry. DEFINITELY search and check that out before you talk to him, as you will get many questions answered! :)

 

[Frankie]

Hi volgirl and welcome to the forum, as you already see, there is lots of support here and great suggestions....and you will also see, lots of information.

Like many here, I also came on this forum because of my ny exbf who has the disorder. As pebbels said "it takes a strong person to be with someone with PTSD" it can be a very rocky journey. Important too is giving them "space" and not taking everything personally. But you also have to realize that you must have your limits too....you can't excuse everything on PTSD. There are things you should accept and things you certainly shouldn't !!

Accept that if you are with someone with ptsd your lifestyle will change too....lots of compromises on your part, lots of patience, understanding and compassion......Can it be worth it ? Definitely :)

About the "bumping" well, as She Cat said " I wouldn't take it as a blow off, but I also wouldn't be sitting home waiting for the phone to ring either". Could be that right now he is truly doing what he knows how....and that is "distancing" himself in order to find himself again......or it could also be that he is not ready for a relationship with you.

My exbf left me last August.....Our 2 year relationship was great, we talked a lot, we laughed, we loved, we shared thoughts, he told me what he needed from me to help him better cope with the disorder...etc....

I hardly saw his ptsd....he was controlling it real real good....till he got triggered badly and left....He has not been the same man since. He tried to get back together with me 3 times since he left.....and all 3 times, it didn't work ! Yes, since he left I received lots of text messages, emails, and phone calls all saying "I love you, I miss you, I am thinking of you" and so on.....but still didn't work out !

The first months, I waited and hoped and naively blamed everything on his ptsd for his leaving and his staying away....something that none of us should do......cause no matter what, they have choices and decisions they make and sometimes they don't included us.

As hard as it was, I had to let go and move on for my sanity and happiness.....I came on the forum for info and support and stayed for the great friends I made :)

Take care !

Frankie