Relationship Is It A Common Cycle? Or Enough Is Enough?

[anmun8]

Like so many, my veteran and I have been together for two years now. He was retired in 2012. We started dating in 2015. The good days? Are just perfect! We do all kind of exploring, traveling, sports, time for us and now he just started studying which he loved making that decision. The bad days? It can either be that he recognizes it and advises me before-hand just in case I notice him quite or doesn't want to go out so far from home, or I'm being accused of cheating, lying, I like our close (male) friends, or that I'm not giving him the attention he needs and that I prefer my job over the relationship. I've helped him in so many ways! I have seen so much progress and sometimes he notices that he's starting a fight and stops. Or says, I can't believe I accused you of this or that. But when its bad, it's really bad. But I have realized, when he blocks me out, there is no way in making him realize the hurtful things he says to me in that moment. So its either him out of the house or I leave with my 3 year old daughter.

Six days have gone by since our last fight. This time it's because he says I'm with him because of his money and left and stayed at his moms. Not even one day of comunicacion from his part since than. I decided to leave to my moms (again and again and again).

And than I say to myself, now what??? Im getting tired, I get sad, desperate, anxious and mad! I love him! But is this how its going to be? When its a bad fight either he's out or I am? And wait until he's back at normal with the apologizes? Or everything goes great for weeks or months and than again another big down-fall? When he's like that, I take care of myself and my daughter. I distract myself even this sometimes it gets hard, but I keep going and it gets a bit better. It's just the "what do I do now? Just wait? That's what get to me!

Thanks for your time if you're reading this

 

[trying2movefwd]

I am on the sufferer end and single right now so I can't totally relate. I do know boundaries are important to any relationship and setting healthy ones per some of my extended family. Are you able to go to therapy together to work through some of this?

 

[Sighs]

How is it affecting your 3 year old? Is she constantly shuffled from one home to another? Is she hearing him accuse you of these things? What is best for her?

 

[anmun8]

How is it affecting your 3 year old? Is she constantly shuffled from one home to another? Is she hearin...

I have noticed that she is starting to know something is up when he gets mad and starts arguing with me, because she gets by my side immediately. So when this starts I get away. Or he's already out. And yeah, I would be back and forth with her. But this time I got everythiiiingggg and have decided to move back to my home. If it's him who needs to leave he can leave (if he comes back this time). I know its not right or healthy for her but its so hard when she looks at him as her daddy and calls him like that and he is a very good father figure to her. I would never complain of that. And of course, I'm trying because I love him.
Thank you for responding.

 

[Sighs]

he is a very good father figure to her

Really? How? From what you describe she is learning that love is conditional, that you cannot rely on the people you love to be there for you, that you need to walk on eggshells so you don't anger a man, that no matter how badly you are treated you should always take a man back...

@anmun8 - I'm not judging you. My father has combat PTSD. I know this ^^^ is what I learnt growing up in that environment. I'm on this site because I have continued those patterns into my adult life and am now in a relationship with a vet with combat PTSD. I don't know what the answer is but I'm asking you to consider how this relationship is affecting your daughter and don't kid yourself that she is too small. She is soaking in everything she sees and hears.

 

[anmun8]

Really? How? From what you describe she is learning that love is conditional, that you cannot rely on t...

Well you got me on that one....And let me correct myself. He's just a good father to her. As in very attentive, very playful, teaches her, takes care of her when she is sick, everything! She just can't do anything when he's not in the picture (when he leaves). The thing is he never gets triggers or show the same cold affection with kids, just me or his family, or the person he's got the trigger going on. (he has his nieces and I've seen him reacted so kind to them, even in that episode). Its completly different. But yeah, thats why I decided to leave the house for good this time. I don't want to continue the moving in & out. But it's like you say. She will always be seeing him in & out. And the verbal abuse? I should set some boundaries and rules. Or more help. (If he decides to come back this time). Let me mention, he is diagnosed with bipolarism apart from PTSD. May I ask you, if you don't mind, does your vet leave and come back, no communication at all? How do you cope now since you have lived this already?
Thanks

 

[turtlemoon]

Ok, as a sufferer of PTSD who is in a relationship, I want to chime in.

My PTSD is no excuse for me to abuse my partner. Period. End of story. You matter. Your daughter matters. NEVER feel like you have to endure abuse because of his condition. Sure, there are concessions you need to make when your loved one has PTSD or other health issues. Abuse is not one of those things.

Is he in therapy? If he isn't, he needs to be if this is seeping into how he treats you and how comfortable a child feels around him. If and when he comes back, I would put that down as mandatory. As a sufferer we have to be willing to get help and address what we are dealing with as best we can. And you can't put the burden of helping him with his PTSD all on your shoulders. It isn't fair to you, and it won't work anyways.

Good luck, and big hugs.

 

[J'qel]

As a sufferer-I have had some really bad moments where I have gotten terribly accusatory because my hypervigilance goes crazy and I focus on things like (previously) how he seemed more happy to go to work than come home. How he would talk to me about female coworkers. About telling me he liked having a female doctor more than a male one. All of these would make me think that he didn't want me (why wasn't he happier to come home) that he might love one of the aforesaid females (he's talking about them *all* the time) and that he thought I was useless because I wasn't in a career (I mean they're all in positions where they have careers).

I was utterly unreasonable.

It is part of the package.

But that was before I got into therapy and my doctor saw that I needed medication to help me pull back from my constant paranoia and suspicion. It is part of PTSD. It's a bad part that can totally mess with a sufferer's mind. You end up noticing small things and your brian blows them up into *HUGE* issues by weird logic chains.

You need to get him into therapy and possibly to see a psychiatrist for medications.

If he won't then you need to decide when your end point is. When is it past the point you're willing to put up with it? Find that point and stick to it. If he won't get help, there is nothing you can do, and nothing you should do. There is a point in every adult's life where they must take total responsibility for their actions. Depending on the person it can be highly unpleasant, but it's better than those around them getting sucked into the whirlpool of destruction with them.

 

[Sighs]

does your vet leave and come back, no communication at all?

Mine does isolate but not to that extent. He's more likely to go away on a hunting trip for a week than simply disappear. He often is not home when I get home from work - he will go for a walk and come home when he's ready. Or he will take himself off to his shed. Or he will be in the house and ignore me. Fun.

 

[anmun8]

Ok, as a sufferer of PTSD who is in a relationship, I want to chime in.

My PTSD is no excuse for m...

THANK YOU!
It's what I told him once. It's not fair to use me as a punching bag and in front of my daughter. PERIOD. That's why I would always get to the point of leaving or he would just leave.... In one of his bad crisis I made him the ultimatum. Therapy or and can't do this anymore. And finally we got the appointment for PTSD and for us as partners. The bad part is that they are so packed they have them almost once a month, but at least we got in. As for medication, he just takes it when he feels the need. :/ He says he hates how in makes him feel. We once discussed it with his DR and she changed some...but still not liking it.
Thank you.

 

[anmun8]

As a sufferer-I have had some really bad moments where I have gotten terribly accusatory because my hyper...

In that case it happened to me too. He once was like that with me at my old job. He would hear my male co-workers greet me and all HELL would brake lose!! A complete paranoia. No trust at all. Until one time he realized the damage he was doing to me again! As I mentioned to @turtlemoon he has his meds and we just got the PTSD therapy starting at last.
Thank you for your time

 

[anmun8]

So after 7 days of no comunicacion he appeared today. Apologizing and wanting to go over what happened. He wants to make it work and he wants to work on trust issues as well as the isolation. I told him, we have to work way harder on this. Because Im really getting tired and I have my little one looking up to me (my daughter) he said he will try his best and he understands my point and feeling also. But he doesn't know how to control himself. I just said, we have to use at least one of the meds again and the therapy. But this time, I'm not moving in.

As for me, I'm feeling really happy he's back on earth and the loving man he is to me! but than starts that feeling of what will be next? What will happen now? I don't want to be negative, but I guess I just prepare myself just in case. I'm setimg the boundaries more stronger this time. Im noticing, with every crisis of his, it's another lesson for me. Another eye opener for both. Let see how it goes.

Thank you all for your responses and support!! This really does help!! It's not easy! NO!! But this helps to know I'm not alone in this.

Big hugs!