Is It Acceptable, Or Am I Just Bullshitting Myself?

[Obez]

Having a hard time trying to set some reasonable boundaries with my PTSD SO.

How can I tell whether my boundaries or expectations are realistic or not? Or, for that matter, how can I be sure that the things I let slide are really, truly acceptable to me in this relationship? Perhaps that sounds like a strange thing to be contemplating, but if there's one thing I know about myself, it's that I am capable of rationalising, justifying and therefore accepting, all kinds of behaviours. Or I can decide to just change my mindset, or decide that it’s unreasonable of me to be so upset/angry about something so minor.

So how can I tell whether I’m rationalising something that is really not acceptable (aka lying to myself), or whether it really isn’t a big deal? Cos I’ve been in relationships in the past, where I have decided my SO’s behaviour is acceptable, and then years later realised that I really wasn’t okay with that behaviour all along, it’s just that I had tricked myself into believing that it was okay, for various reasons. Or did I just change my mind about what was acceptable later on? And conversely, I've been in situations where I decided a certain behaviour was absolutely not acceptable, only to wonder later on why I'd made such a big deal about it.

Most days I feel like I have a reasonable level of self awareness. But days like these, I feel so confused. Some days I just don't know if I'm overreacting to something because of own insecurity, or whether he's doing something that I shouldn't accept.

I suppose it's a matter of sitting with the issue, thinking it through a little more, and maybe the answer will become clearer in time.

Just wondering though - does anyone else ever feel like this?

 

[Ciwuz]

What does "SO" mean?

 

[Icak]

Significant Other.

 

[Ufaj]

I am not sure what an example might be as far as your boundaries are concerned.

For me, the following behavior is acceptable: kindness, consideration, understanding and so on. I do unto others as I would have them to do unto me.

If someone is a jerk and I am feeling lousy in response to their behavior and they are denying my reality and saying I am the one with the problem, that is not okay.

I wonder if you grew up in a home where your reality was denied and bad things went down and everyone acted like that was okay so you never learned to trust your instincts and learn what was okay behavior and what was not okay. I sure know how that goes.

 

[Epo]

Is it okay not to see your SO for 6 months? (Semi-random example)

That answer isn't usually static.
- If they're in the Navy? If they're in prison? If they're schtupping the neighbor?
- If they're cold and distant, in regular contact, warm and effusive?
- If it's for work, play, choice, no choice?
- If they've already been gone 6mo, a 1 time thing, and annual thing?

I'm sure you can come up with a lot of other fluid examples. See my point? (Unless, of course, you're never okay with not seeing your SO for 6 mo).

Very few things, in my experience, are universal deal breakers.
Even to the same person.
Instead there is usually a constellation of factors involved.

 

[Miju]

Some days I just don't know if I'm overreacting to something because of own insecurity, or whether he's doing something that I shouldn't accept.

Certainly, both partners' insecurity are at play. Either way, your way to peace, may be to cultivate the ability to practice kind, accountable, and consistent boundaries, on your part.

I suppose it's a matter of sitting with the issue, thinking it through a little more, and maybe the answer will become clearer in time.

To add to this idea, I: hang out with my body's experience (mindfulness), allowing my body's sensations to eventually inform me, if I'm comfortable with a dynamic, and what my boundary needs are.

A lifetime practice, for me. It can be fun to keep track of small and large changes you make, that over time, create an entirely different way of engaging others.

 

[Oji]

It sounds like this is not so much a PTSD issue as it is your issue with knowing what sort of boundaries to set. That is, you'd have the same sort of issue with a non-PTSD partner. (Well, you've admitted such!)

I don't think that boundaries with a PTSD sufferer should be radically different than with a non-sufferer. I think it is important to not accept abusive behavior (emotional, verbal, psychological, physical, sexual, etc). I also think that it is reasonable to set expectations for communication. Yes, we sufferers have issues with communication, but I think at the very least, when a sufferer needs space, he/she needs to verbalize this need. If a sufferer can't even say those three little words (I need space), then I do not believe the sufferer is in a place where he/she is ready for a relationship. Communication is the basis for EVERY successful relationship, and with out that, you've got nothing.

Can you give us an example over a possibly confusing boundary? I think this may help us to help you!