Ok, I can think of two instances of domestic abuse where I was the bystander. The first was a neighbor I barely knew. We were in a duplex (American term I think, a building that has two separate apartment/homes) and they were on the other side. I knew they fought, but at first that's all I knew was happening. Then there was a time when I began to suspect more. I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. Part of this is based on my experiences in childhood. I was talking to a another neighbor who confirmed that he was hitting her.). I hadn't figured out how to talk to the neighbor who was being abused. I was incredibly insecure at that time. The next time I heard a fight it was bad and I called the police. After that I did talk to her and expected her to be angry. That was truly my expectation. Instead she thanked me and said to do it again if that happened. I told her if it happened again, she could come to my place. So, I did something but it took time.
The other time is with a coworker. And myself, and some other coworkers, did try to help. For a time, she lived in her car in my driveway. I offered her to stay in my house but she and my dog weren't getting along and my dog has a bite history, so she said no. Another coworker also offered her a place to stay and she said no. In fact, she turned down most of our offers of help. And she kept going back to the abuser. She did want to talk about her situation but she made no visible efforts to change. Something about her triggers me too. So, I stopped making offers. So, am I a bystander that does nothing? It bothers me.
I do have a vivid memory of a bystander helping me when I was a kid. It was one (maybe the only) time someone helped. I was with my dad and brother and had fallen into some deep, powdery snow. I couldn't get myself out. My brother and dad stood over me laughing. I really couldn't get out. This man, who was passing by, came over and offered me a hand and pulled me up. He then shot my dad one of the nastiest looks I've ever seen. :) My dad and brother, predictably, got pissed at me and said I could have gotten myself up if I really tried, but the memory of the man helping stayed with me.
There is one other time I didn't act. I was literally in the middle of what I thought was a road rage incident. A car was chasing another car on the interstate. The car being chased actually used my car as a shield for a time. I braked so I was not in the middle. Ic couldn't find my phone to call the police. As was inevitable, they crashed. I saw it. I considered stopping to offer medical aid, but in this case I did not. I saw a man running away from the scene. I could make all sorts of excuses as to why I didn't stop. I was triggered. Yes, triggered, not anxious. I had memories of my dad getting into road rage incidents with me in the car. Of him threatening to kill someone. Of someone threatening to kill him. I didn't want to get shot. That's all I could think. I don't know why I assumed they would have guns, but I did. In my rear view mirror I could see that someone did stop. When I got to my therapist appointment (and boy did I need it after that), I made sure that the police were on the scene. It turns out it was more of a dv situation. The car chasing, was after his girlfriend and the guy she was with. It bothers me I didn't stop, but I guess not that much? Or... oh, I guess for that one, it depends on which of us you ask. Some of our alters say we are a coward.
I am a helper at heart, and have stopped to give people medical aid or other sorts of help. I've leaped into dog fights, to rescue a dog being attacked without even thinking of being hurt. But, when it comes to humans, there are times I freeze. There are times old abuse issues are triggered and I don't act and I hate that about myself and fear some day someone will need help and I won't.
I'm not sure if any of that helps or clarifies. I'm not sure if I'm derailing. I too have issues with understanding the bystanders in my life. As a young kid, I had bruises every freaking day. Yes, they were mostly in places you couldn't see but plenty were visible. The neighbors would have seen and heard the dad screaming at us, throwing things at us, grabbing us. We were a mess in school. How was it nothing was done?
