Is It Denial Or Am I Protecting Her?

[Deleted member 12723]

I always knew that my parents were good and bad. I so wanted to be loved and accepted for who I really was. But their abuse broke my spirit and I was only surviving so I do not have the good parent ideal to deal with.

I finally disconnected from my family and mourned the loss of them for ten years. They were my family and I loved them. But they are incapable of love.

Now both of my parents are dead and I have accepted the situation of being alone.

I desperately needed to be loved so much. All I ever got was crumbs, and illusions.

I am aware of their dysfunctional ways and some of what they were rooted from.

My mom never told me anything except to talk about herself and her problems. It was very codependent on my part. It was if I was the adult and they were the kids.

I really feel for you being abandoned. I came home to a empty house with my father and brother. My mom had moved out and left a note saying I would be better off. I just remember feeling so much hurt that she left me alone with my dad who was brutal.

Surely you feel so much pain and other emotions right now. You will get through this in time.

So many people on this thread had such wonderful things to say. I wish you well on your grieving process.

 

[NovemberStar]

I think that part in you is desperate to hold onto the feeling your mother was not all that bad; as a child you HAD to believe that, in order to survive. Ask yourself this - how would it feel IF your T was 'right'? Pretty hard to accept, huh ;(.

I think it's vital you TELL your T your reaction and how you feel, how much you hate your T for asking you to think your mother was 'bad' in any way.

I think the way you are feeling is very normal; but I also think in order for you to heal, you need to face the mixture of feelings you have about your mother. It is perfectly possible to both desperately love and loathe or even hate, one person.

I feel this way about my mother. On one hand, she was the loving, caring, dutiful, middle class married mother in the 80s - she cooked, she baked us cakes, she had us birthday parties. She sweet and knitted out clothes - even matching outfits for my younger sister and me. She filled out my baby book - noting down every 'first' and even kept a lock of my hair from my first hair cut. In the winter, she would stand outside in the cold night, with the hose, covering the driveway in water so it would freeze overnight, so in the morning my sister and I had a mini skating rink. When it nosed the first time in our new town, she woke us up 3am on a school night so we could see snow for the first time; she woke us in case it didn't settle and was gone by morning. I have dozens of really good series about my mum from childhood.

But she was also an alcoholic, addicted to codeine, and unpredictably violent She would hit me, give me bruises, black eye; once she hit me so hard with a wooden spoon, I had bruises of the imprint of the middle of the spoon (like a horseshoe shape) on my bottom for days and could barely sit down in school. When I got lost and was found wandering and crying, my mother responded by yelling at me, and shutting me in a dark cupboard - I was 5 years old. If we fought in the car, she would stop the car, put me in the car boot. I was terrified of both the dark, and small spaces. Sometimes she would hold the cupboard door shut with her body, while I screamed on the inside that I could not breath, that I was going to die. I know I don't even know the full horrors of what she did to me psychologically yet.

I too didn't want my Ts to think she was 'all bad'. Especially as she died when I was 10 - you're not meant to say 'bad things' about those that have died, right?

Point is - it's perfectly possible your mother was a 'good' mum, BUT hurt you badly at the same time. It does not have to be 'all or nothing'; not 'either a good mum OR a bad mum'. It's fine to recognize the good parts, but unless you recognize and fully accept ALL of the parts of the relationship with her, it's unlikely you will fully heal.

Part of you knows there is much pain there - you wouldn't have the reaction to your T for bringing it up, and you wouldn't be so desperate to avoid thinking about it, if it was all ok.

Please new honest with your T. Let her know how much it affects you, talking about it, so you and your T can work through it together. My T and I have a code word 't hint I can do if things are getting too intense for me in a session, and we change the subject to something completely positive (like my going snowboarding). HOWEVER, it does not mean I avoid the pain altogether - I'd never get anywhere if at the first hint of 'ouch' I changed the subject!

 

[Tinyflame]

This helps a lot, though an older thread. I wrestle with this with my sister(s), especially as there is a likelihood one may be palliative now. But there has been some reduction in guilt in learning that as much as I love her, mentally & emotionally-abusive interaction still kills me. And I do say 'kill me', simply because physically more than mentally my body simply can't handle it any more., the fear & untruths & drama & blame. It was a huge eye-opener to realize I wasn't 'to blame' for not being able to withstand it, or it doesn't make me a horrible person or sister to not be able. That it's ok, even necessary to love her from afar but not get dragged through the lies & stuff that occur/ have occurred between the interactions of those 2 sisters when together, & myself. Past neglect or interactions or abuse from them I can let go. The hard part is knowing much "hasn't" changed, the mindset & behaviours. But they have never seen it as wrong, I think.

Not to say that it is easy or I don't have my doubts though.

:hug: