Supporter Is It Just The Ptsd Talking Or Is It Actually Him?

[jesskali]

I apologize if it sounds more like I'm asking for relationship advice :unsure:

I met my Navy veteran in August of 2011. He was discharged January of that year.
We started dating in August, and things were going very well. I seriously thought it was possible that he was the one. We got along with each other's families very well, we meshed with each other's friends, and things were just fun and easy. Like any other couple, we had our ups and downs, but for the most part we powered through them.

February of this year, he decided that he wanted to break up. That he had lost attraction to me, that "some people just don't work," and that he was still tired from his last relationship in which the girl stole thousands of dollars from him, cheated on him and gave him an STD (how long ago this relationship ended, I'm not sure). The break up came as a shock to everyone; family, friends, even me. That was seriously the last thing I was expecting to happen. I tried steering it from a break up conversation to a "let's fix this" conversation, but he kept nit-picking at things he didn't like about me that could have been easily over-looked (my picky eating habits, and my rare moments of shyness). Things that barely even came into play in our relationship, but he had his mind set, saying that we could still be great friends.

So we tried being friends, and it wasn't until a couple days after the break up that he told me he had PTSD. In all honesty, I wasn't too surprised, but at the same time I felt helpless. Nobody in his family knows about it, his closest friends don't even know about it, and he's not getting help. I'm the only one who knows. I guess he's gotten really good at controlling it or suppressing it. But I've read that it doesn't go away or simply get better over time.

Probably a month and a half after the break up we were hanging out. We were drinking and his brother and his brother's fiancee were with us. We all started dancing, and he started dancing with me and kissed me. I immediately asked him what was up, and he said he was attracted to me again. After we both sobered up, we talked about it. He gave me a bunch of reasons why he wanted me back, told me that he still loved me, that he regretted breaking up with me, and I decided we could probably get back together over time.

My family still had ill feelings towards him for breaking up with me so suddenly, and I let him know so he knew what exactly he was dealing with. After telling him that, he seemed to instantly lose faith in us. In his words "I feel like my bubble was popped." I told him things would be just fine, and to be patient and give it time, but he wasn't hearing me. He went back into break-up mode, and yet again nit-picked at more little things about me that I also didn't view as big deals (my tattoos and my dissatisfaction with my job.)

I decided to give him space, and a couple days later I casually texted him, wishing him a happy Easter. No response. The next day, I texted him saying I was craving a type of cereal he has at his house, his response was "I don't think we should talk anymore. I'm still against me for you."

I told him I'm still here as a friend, and that I'm not giving up yet, but I haven't heard from him in three days. Neither of us has done anything to one another that would cause any bitter feelings, so why is he doing this? I've done nothing but proven myself to be a source of support/loyal friend, so why does he insist on cutting me out?
I've been reading so many posts on this forum and find so many of them relatable in terms of a sufferer distancing themselves from loved ones.

As I said before, he rarely addresses his PTSD, and I feel like it's playing a big part in his decisions. I'm the only person who knows about his PTSD, therefore I'm the only one who can really call him out on it, and at this point, I feel like it's necessary to bring it up and suggest he get help for it.

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[sisu]

I am sorry you are going through this ~ I know how tough this can be. The problem he is having right now actually has nothing to do with you - it has to do with the fact that he is not taking care of his PTSD. Without therapy and meds he is "free-wheeling" and his mind is all over the place. Nothing you can do or say will make him change - he has to want to get better. You can try to talk to him about it and encourage him to get help - but you can force him. It sounds like he is still in denial about the diagnosis if he hasn't told anyone but you about it. Right now his PTSD is in charge - he is not.

It appears as if he still does have strong feelings for you and because of those strong feelings he wants to protect you from seeing the "real him" - PTSD and all.

Take care of yourself, please. Read as much as you can on this forum and ask questions. Knowledge about PTSD will help you make a desicion on whether to continue your journey. I'll tell you it isn't for the faint of heart - the great times are amazing, but the bad times can be really really bad. Not trying to be a downer, just speaking the truth.

Be kind to yourself.
Sisu

 

[jesskali]

Sisu,
Thank you so much for the response. I think my biggest problem right now is how to approach him about it. As I said in my original post, as of Monday he made the decision that we shouldn't talk anymore, and since then he hasn't responded to any of my text messages, and they've all been very casual, for example I sent him one last night wishing him safe travels in the rain because he has night class.

From what he's told me, he was diagnosed with PTSD when his time in the Navy was coming to an end. I think for a little while he was getting help, but once he was released, he stopped. I asked him a little while ago why he doesn't take the time now to get help, and he says he doesn't want to put the time into it, and he doesn't want to have to tell his story to a bunch of strangers.

From what I've been reading, I don't think his case of PTSD is that bad in comparison to other sufferers. Not that I know of, at least. I mean, he has nightmares, trouble sleeping, he always has to have the tv playing or be playing video games, or doing something to distract him, and he doesn't do too well in crowded places, even when it's just his family that he's surrounded by. He's only called me once to talk about it, in tears, because they were discussing a book about war in one of his classes and he says it brought about a lot of memories and flashbacks. I don't know what triggers him or how in control he really is. I don't know how much I should worry about it because he doesn't really tell me, especially now that he's not talking to me.

His PTSD is really the only answer I can come up with for why he's shutting me out, but it's hard because I have nobody he is close to who I can talk to about it without giving away his "secret." It seems at this point the only person I can really talk to about it, besides all the amazing people on this forum, is him.

I'm not one to give up people easily, so I believe I can stick by his side, but like you said, it's also a matter of him wanting to help himself too. I spent hours and hours reading posts on this forum and they've all been so helpful, I was, I guess, relieved, at the amount of stories I was able to relate too. I just hope all of this "studying" doesn't go to waste and that he appreciates my wanting to help when I do find the nerves to bring it up to him.

-jesskali

 

[ProudWife99]

Hi Jesskali, and welcome to the forum.

You have absolutely found a great place to seek advice and support. I do hope you've spent some time in the supporters section, as there you'll find loads of wonderful people going through very similar situations.

I often struggle giving advice to situations like yours as I'm still reeling from the damage PTSD has done on my own marriage. While I knew he had PTSD prior to our wedding, it wasn't until after the "I do" that things went downhill fast. At that point, all I could do was hold on for dear life.

I think distancing himself from you is the absolute best thing he can do with how he is feeling. Like Sisu said (quite brillaint, Sisu is :)), his PTSD is in control, not him. The best you can do is focus on yourself while quietly waiting in the background until he decides he needs help. He may come back in a months time and tell you he wants to get back together, but without the help of a professional for BOTH of you, you will be fighting a losing battle.

It is so difficult to understand those we love with PTSD. If he truly cannot get past the little things about you that you mentioned, you are way better off without him anyway. If anyone told me they didn't like my tattoos they'd just be out the door - as we can't get rid of them now can we!?

Ask as many questions as you can. Soak up as much information and support as you can. Spend the effort that you WOULD spend on him...on yourself. At times like this, we need to focus on us and our well-being as much as possible.

 

[jesskali]

Hi ProudWife,
Thanks a bunch for taking the time to respond to me. You and Sisu are so amazing! :laugh:

I'm sorry to hear about you and your husband, I hope things have been working out well for the both of you.

I do have every intention of giving him all the space he needs, but I feel like I should at least bring it up to him once before I leave him to himself. As I said before, nobody knows about his PTSD but me, so he's never had an outsider's perspective on how it's effecting his loved ones. I don't think he really sees it as a "problem" because nobody has brought it to his attention.

He admitted that he feels like his PTSD came into play when he broke up with me in February, but since then he hasn't addressed it at all. I feel like him nit-picking at my little flaws is just a defense mechanism he's using to cover up the real reason why he doesn't want a relationship.

He lives with his dad and has four other siblings (who do not live with him and his dad), and out of those siblings, he seems to be the most distanced from his dad emotionally, even though they live under the same roof. It seems like proximity doesn't really do much. Just a couple weeks ago, we were having breakfast with his dad, his brother and his brother's fiancee, and after only maybe an hour or an hour and a half, my sufferer was feeling very anxious from "being around family so much."

Our lack of communication has been eating at me, especially since it was so out of the blue and without much reason. I have been spending a lot of time with friends and trying to relax, but it's still always at the back of my mind, hoping that he'll come around, at the very least wanting me in his life as a friend.

I wrote him something that was originally an e-mail, but it evolved into something way too personal and emotional to be delivered in such an impersonal way. It consisted of my views on his PTSD; how it upsets me that he keeps it a secret from his family, and how it upsets me that he doesn't want to take the time to get help. I decided the most effective way to deliver these feelings to him would be to go to him and read my letter to him, that way I don't miss or forget anything, and he can hear it coming from me. This is something I was wanting to do today so he could ponder it over the weekend. But as I said, he's not talking to me, so getting ahold of him and making sure he'll be home is kind of a problem.

After I tell him how I'm feeling is when I will completely leave him alone. I'm not the type to allow things to go unsaid.

I know I have a lot to say, and I appreciate you guys taking the time to help me out!!

 

[ProudWife99]

I think the letter is an excellent idea! For a long while I was the only one who really knew the depths of my husband's PTSD. When things hit a breaking point for me, I went to his family without him. Granted, things are a bit different as we were married, but he was consistently talking about leaving me here and moving states away to live with them. Finally, once I told them, I was in full support of this.

He hid his PTSD from them so he had a place to run when it became to much. Somewhere that no one would bother him about it, hold him accountable, and didn't know his secrets. He was angry when I took that option away from him, but it was at that point he really put everything he had into making himself better, as he knew he could not hide from it anymore.

I am not saying that is what you should do, as it sounds like your man has yet to address it within himself and is no where near ready to deal with it from the perspective of his family, but I have found that when they hide it, it can both be from shame AND from having a place where the PTSD doesn't seem so real. If that makes any sense.

 

[jesskali]

ProudWife,

It's great that you took the initiative to go to your husband's family, and I'm so glad to hear that doing that was a catalyst in making him better himself.

What you said about the family perspective definitely does make sense! It's like "if they don't know about it, then it doesn't exist." His words were that he doesn't want to deal with the "stigma" of it.

It seems like a common theme amongst his siblings is they try so hard to have their dad's approval (which isn't hard because they're all very intelligent people), so I can see why he would be ashamed to put something so sensitive and difficult out on the table. I don't think I'm going to suggest he tell his family about it until after he starts getting help (if I even manage to get that far into his life...) but I'm not going to push him or take any initiatives to go to his family myself. That's on him. We've only known each other maybe 7 or 8 months, and at this point I definitely don't feel like it's my place to tell him how his relationship should be with his family. But that's something that shouldn't be worried about for a while, probably.

My main focus now is having him see me as a friend and an ally just long enough for me to have him hear me out. I'm so glad you think the letter is a good idea! I would upload a copy of it here, but it's really really long :confused:

I'm so scared, I just have no idea as to how he's going to react to it. He might think I'm calling him out on his PTSD just because I'm not getting what I want from him, but that's not the case. I genuinely care about this guy and I just want him to get help for himself so he can have a brighter future. I don't want him to suppress it or feel alone, and by shutting me out from his life, I feel like he's riding himself of his biggest, and only, supporter.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and welcome, My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine the kind of pain you are in now.
It doesn't sound like you are reaching him.
Unfortunaly a person has to hit bottom before they are willing to get some help.

He is a really mixed up person now. It sounds like he does'nt want to have anything to do with you.

What needs of yours are getting met now? I am concerned for you. You deserve better than this. If he wants to be friends then let him make the effort to reach out to you. I do not think you want him to see you as his enemy. I know you love this guy and have alot invested in him, but it isn't fair or right what he is doing to you.

He is pushing you away, and only he knows why. Please be gentle on yourself and give him the space he asks for and take good care of yourself. If you are not ok nothing will be ok. I know this sounds harsh and I am not trying to be hurtful, but it is you that is getting so hurt right now.

I hope this helps and does not hurt. I really feel with you. This is a very rough thing you are going through. Take care.

 

[jesskali]

Hi gizmo,
You pretty much hit the nail on the head...I really appreciate your bluntness and honesty.

At this point, it seems like he really doesn't want anything to do with me. This morning I tried contacting him to see if I can come by and talk to him real quickly, in hopes of addressing his PTSD and maybe getting down to the core of why he really doesn't want us to talk. His response was along the lines of "I don't know what I have to do to tell you that I don't want to talk anymore." He said his reasoning for not wanting us to talk is that we're going in "destructive circles" with our relationship, when really the only destructive thing about us was him:( He won't even give me the time of day to give me a proper, face-to-face good bye and proper closure, something that I feel any decent person would do.

I've come to terms with the fact that my trying is useless. It may very well be it for him and me, and I'm just going to back off completely and try to live life without him. I am still delivering the letter to him, as I feel what I have written is still relevant and will continue to be as long as he continues not getting help. I included in the letter that should he choose to contact me some time in the future, for whatever reason, I will not deny him, and that I hope we can both heal enough to the point where a friendship is possible. I just hope he doesn't rip the letter to shreds or toss it in the trash before reading it...

As for me, I'm doing okay. I have a loving family and a few friends who are very supportive. I have a job and school to keep me busy. I know I'll get over this, but it's hard, and I'm a worrisome person. It's just tough knowing that you can try and try and try, but all that trying won't go anywhere. But it really does come down to one thing: only he will know when he needs help.

It's just really hard to have this happen and not feel like I was partially at fault. I know I did all I could to keep our relationship together, and I know I've said all I can say to let him know that I still really want to be there for him as a friend, yet he still insists on us being nothing. I really can't help but feel like it's something that I did, when really it is just him.

While he says that it's over, I get the feeling that it's not. It wasn't over the first time around when he initially broke up with me. I feel like all that has been happening between us has been emotionally overwhelming to him and now he's full-on shutting down on me instead of fighting through it with me to work it out. The problem is, if/when he comes back, I know he'll let his guilt get the best of him again, causing us to get back onto this roller coaster that we've been on.

*sigh* I guess this is just one of the many learning experiences that life seems to have set up for us.
Thank you all for you help and advice.

 

[sisu]

:( I'm so sorry. I know all of this is tough. I don't think you should read into anything he does or says or berate yourself for anything you think you said or did....none of that would have changed this situation right now. THere are no magic words or gestures that would make everything okay when someone has un-managed PTSD. You can't use your perspective and your logical thinking to guess how he might interpret what you would say....it can't and won't makes sense to you to understand how he is perceiving the world right now.

If it feels right to you, then send your letter and consider that your closure. No one knows what the future holds for us. Your future may include him and it may not - just take care of yourself and seek out happiness. I truly believe happiness is a choice - make that choice and surround yourself with like minded people. YOu deserve to have an amazing life! :)

 

[ProudWife99]

Jesskali - sending cyber hugs your way! I know how much you must be hurting, and the confusion of it all just makes it so much worse.

PTSD is such an ugly, nasty thing. I think he doing the best he can to communicate to you that he has no interest in any type of a relationship. I know sometimes our hearts beg us to look past those words to believe that they are not true, only a symptom. I think the ugliness that we, as supporters, risk falling into is blaming PTSD for a behavior that may have nothing to do with it.

I hear you say that you don't truly think it over, as it wasn't the last time and you believe his distancing is a symptom of his untreated PTSD. This may be true, but it could very well be the big parts of you that desperately want it to be true. When someone says they do not want to be with us anymore, and moreover, do all they can to prove that to us, sometimes we are being unfair to them by using their PTSD as an excuse not to move on.

From what you've said, he is not interested in anything you have to offer. Allow that to be your closure. Do not allow PTSD to be an excuse for him to be hurtful, and realize this is not the type of treatment you deserve anyway, regardless of an illness.

You deserve love, respect, compassion, and caring in a relationship. Here is your chance to remind yourself of that.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi,

So sorry to read of your hurt and wish I had something positive to offer you, but I tend to agree with PW99 when she says:

he is not interested in anything you have to offer. Allow that to be your closure. Do not allow PTSD to be an excuse for him to be hurtful, and realize this is not the type of treatment you deserve anyway, regardless of an illness.

We cannot force others to comply with our wishes, no matter how justified we are. By putting your self in the "pushing" role you may even send signals that you are available for abuse i.e. "it's ok to be mean to me and say hurtful things because I will come back for more and my feelings are less important than yours".

If he re engages with you be prepared for more of the same, drinking, affection, remorse, rejection.

If you want the rollercoaster ride to end, get off. He may or may not follow you, but if he remains untreated the outlook is poor.