Supporter Is It Just The Ptsd Talking Or Is It Actually Him?

[jesskali]

Hi everyone,
Thank you all so much for your inputs.

ProudWife, I definitely agree with you that there's a possibility that I'm using his PTSD as an excuse for his decisions and behavior. It's just that when we had any kind of relationship, when we were dating, when we were just friends, we had such a good dynamic. Even after the break up, we discussed the possibilities of being friends and we both had a lot of faith in that, and we actually worked out really well up until he acted on his rekindled feelings, and even after that he/we were so hopeful and happy for a couple of days until his "bubble was popped." I guess I'm letting the good times get the best of me. I know he's a good person, I've seen how lovely and amazing he could be first hand and I guess I still love the guy from a few months ago (or even a couple weeks ago) and am hoping for him to come back at some point, because the good times outweighed the bad, no contest.

Unfortunately, he is no longer "the guy from a few months/couple weeks ago." It seems like within just the past couple weeks, he's transformed into a completely different person. It feels as if somebody who hates me had come and taken his place, I feel like I don't even know him anymore. This may sound very harsh, but sometimes it feels almost as if he's dead (knock on wood), that's how unreachable he feels to me right now.

I think what is driving me to believe that it's not over (not just us being in a relationship, but us being friends) is that he wouldn't even take the time to say good bye to me face to face. I feel like, after all that he's put me through, he could have at least taken the time to do that, and I've known him to be the type of person who would give me the proper good bye, so I'm baffled as to why he refused to. I've never done anything to hurt him, he has no reason to hold any kinds of grudges or have bitter feelings towards me, I've been nothing but loyal, honest, supportive and loving, and I feel like he can't face me because he knows that (plus we still have some of each other's stuff).

This may sound like a lot of me tooting my own horn, but I feel like he'll have a hard time finding somebody as determined, trustworthy, and loyal as me. I like to see myself as a very compassionate person, and there's no doubt in my mind that I'd stick by him. I think the fact that I know about his PTSD and still fought to have him in my life should have been enough in itself. I like to think that I was a positive and supportive person in his life, and the fact that he has pretty much shut me out will never cease to confuse me. My main motive with him isn't to make him my boyfriend or have a romantic relationship with him. I just want to keep him as a friend because I know we have fun with each other, and we can both have positive impacts on each other's lives.

I'm genuinely concerned for his well-being, and I constantly think and worry about the fact that he has nobody to talk to about things, but I definitely get now that there's nothing I can do or say to make him change his ways or change his mind, and that my trying will only get me hurt even more. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I need to carry on without him, and like ProudWife said, I don't deserve this kind of treatment, regardless of illness. Should he ever try to come back into my life, I think one of my terms will be that he has to try and get treatment of some kind, because I feel like that would break the "destructive circles" that we could potentially be going around in. But I'm not counting on him coming back, because I know the more I wait and hope, the more I'll be hurting myself.

I'm going to try my very best to move on. Thank you all for your words of wisdom and your support.
Sorry my posts are always so long!!!! :oops:

 

[Tifanee]

Good luck jesskali! You will find alot of supportive, straight forward, and helpful members on this site. I relate to what you are going through, and I am on that journey with my love as well. Although he acknowledges it and is mildly treating it, it still impacts how he views our relationship and his thought process of "why are you with me?".

What I have learned so far - you can't force or pressure your loved one to do anything they are not ready to do. You will only emotionally harm yourself in the process. Your support might be best on a friend level and not as a romantic partner. He may not be ready yet to handle a relationship, especially since you know of his PTSD. There is a vulnerablity with sharing that information, but know that they only share that with the people the care about and trust.

Sending you hugs and a listening ear!

 

[ProudWife99]

I feel like, after all that he's put me through, he could have at least taken the time to do that, and I've known him to be the type of person who would give me the proper good bye, so I'm baffled as to why he refused to

Because, as you said earlier, is is not that man right now. It isn't to say he never will be again or that his is even his choice. He incapable of being that person. The more you push for those characteristics, the deeper they'll hide. His PTSD is calling the shots right now.

I feel like he can't face me because he knows that

Quite possibly true, but where in the world is this your responsibility to take on? Let that be your closure. THIS is the man he is right now. THIS may very well be the man he is until he actively seeks some help. He, too, deserves a happy healthy life. We can only hope he comes to this conclusion on his own.

his may sound like a lot of me tooting my own horn, but I feel like he'll have a hard time finding somebody as determined, trustworthy, and loyal as me.

Toot your own horn! Toot toot toot all you can! Why shouldn't you? Look at you doing all of this research and gaining all of this knowledge for a man who, at this point, refuses to even speak with you. Toot away! Imagine the type of love, support, and compassion you could offer someone who is willing to receive it. We can be the absolute best for someone, but FIRST they must make decisions to do what is best for themselves.

I just want to keep him as a friend because I know we have fun with each other, and we can both have positive impacts on each other's lives.

No way jose. I'm not buying it. I have enemies that treat me with more respect than he is giving you. That is no foundation for any type of a relationship. Know your own worth and set a standard for it.

 

[jesskali]

Tifanee & ProudWife,
Thank you guys for the support.

Tifanee, you said "know that they only share that with the people the care about and trust." Ever since he told me about his PTSD, I've been having an internal struggle with myself as to why exactly he told me (nobody, not even his family knows about it). Either he told me because he saw me being in his life for a really long time, or because he didn't see me being around for that long. It wasn't until he called me one night, crying after discussing a book on war in class, that I thought he was really set on keeping me around. I thought him telling me and reaching out for help had brought us closer, and that he saw me as a source of support.
Now that he has shut me out from his life, I'm feeling the latter of the two reasons, so I don't really know the extent of his "care" and "trust" for me :(

ProudWife, you said "I have enemies that treat me with more respect than he is giving you. That is no foundation for any type of a relationship."
I guess I was basing my hopes on a future friendship on how he treated me prior to all of this shutting out business. It's hard to believe that just a couple weeks ago, he was very considerate of my feelings and wants, and to an extent, let me call the shots. As we both said, he's not that guy anymore...

I haven't talked to my guy (who isn't even "my guy" anymore) since Friday, and I'm probably not going to talk to him until he reaches out to me, if that ever happens. I'm going to give him the space that he has asked for, because you guys are right, talking to him and looking for who he once was will just push him away.

I'm hoping that time will take care of all of this, as I've come to the realization that actions and words are probably useless, if not counterproductive. Either over time, he will come to the realization that he does need help and that I was/am a good person in his life. Or, time will just heal us both as we go along on our separate paths. I'm not looking for any instant gratification right now. I'm just going to let things pan out as they will, and deal with things as they/if they occur.

Thank you guys, you're all lovely:)

 

[Tifanee]

jesskali -

He shares it with you because he can trust you and he does care about you, but the PTSD prevents him from leaning on you (beyond the moment of desperation as was the case about talking to you about the war book) and being the partner you deserve. It isn't that he doesn't want you around, the PTSD is driving his actions. If he asks for space, then you are right in giving space.

He has alot of inner conflict and turmoil, and healing he needs to work out, before he will feel like the kind a man he wants for you. This may never happen, just realize it isn't you that is being rejected.

Even though you say he isn't your guy anymore, you are still a supporter and still need to understand what you are dealing with if he remains in your life. You've come to the right place and there are supporters here with years of experience, and military related sufferers who might be able to add some insight to what your friend is going through.

Much Support! Tifanee