Is it love or my cptsd

[flesh and blood]

Lately I’ve been exploring the way my CPTSD affects my relationships and perceptions of others. I have realized that I will become attracted to people who appear as “safe” to me even if I do not find them attractive normally, especially if these are people who also have power to abuse me but don’t (usually men in positions of power, I don’t have this with women). This became apparent when I had this weird obsessive crush on my TA that lasted for a year. I would fantasize continuously of him saving me from getting abused or witnessing me getting abused and being emotionally moved and providing comfort, or him witnessing my episodes. I did understand upon analyzing the situation that I was not truly into him but rather the idea of him, the idea of safety which had to do with him being in a position of power and not abusing it, being a man and yet not acting in a misogynistic way, etc. Despite being aware of this, my crush persisted, until he tried kissing me. It’s weird because even though part of that crush was still there, it went down when he tried flirting with me and I immediately rejected his attempt to kiss me. Interestingly not long after that my daydreams switched to him taking the role of the abuser instead of the savior, I would imagine him abusing me and I would have a breakdown over that. Currently that crush has disappeared.

With him the patterns are clear and it is relatively easy for me to understand what was my cptsd and what was me being into him as a person. The issue I’ve been having has been with my ex. They were my only healthy and loving relationship, very very loving, helped me tremendously through my cptsd and probably one of the best things to happen to me. We broke up because I moved for school, but we stayed good friends. The process of moving on from them was better than I had expected, I noticed once when the cptsd chimed in and resulted in a short period of infatuation similar to the TA situation, but I had been able to see them as friends more than lovers in the year and a half since the break up. We are on good terms, have very good communication and a very good dynamic.

Well, in a recent reunion trip, I began to see them more under a romantic rather than platonic light. A contributing factor is that they appeared to me more emotionally mature, seemed to notice when my symptoms were bad pretty fast and were so good at supporting me emotionally. This made me consider the possibility of long distance, and me finding a remote job so I can spend long periods of time with them etc. But this would obviously be a big change from the dynamic we have, if I chose to pursue it is not a decision I can make lightly, and unlike the TA case, I am struggling to understand if this desire/attraction is motivated by my cptsd or if it is genuine love. I am wondering if any of you struggle with the same issue and if so if you have any tips to recognize which is which. I want my actions to stem from love and care rather than fear or a reaction to my trauma.

 

[KA60]

Just a suggestion. Can you research situational vulnerabilities? We all have them.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm wondering whether it is partner/intimate love, or whether it is being looked after/cared for by a significant other? I e. Rather than romantic love it's more a parental love that is pulling you towards them/this ex?

 

[flesh and blood]

I'm wondering whether it is partner/intimate love, or whether it is being looked after/cared for by a significant other? I e. Rather than romantic love it's more a parental love that is pulling you towards them/this ex?

it could definitely be. The reason it get murky is because it’s usually been a mixture of both, since this desire to be cared for has usually been present in the romantic relationship I had with them and others, albeit never a main aspect, but I’ve accepted that it comes with my cptsd. I think my issue at the moment is that at times I cannot distinguish when it is mainly the desire to be “saved” or cared for that is driving my decisions and fueling my emotions.

 

[Movingforward10]

it could definitely be. The reason it get murky is because it’s usually been a mixture of both, since this desire to be cared for has usually been present in the romantic relationship I had with them and others, albeit never a main aspect, but I’ve accepted that it comes with my cptsd. I think my issue at the moment is that at times I cannot distinguish when it is mainly the desire to be “saved” or cared for that is driving my decisions and fueling my emotions.

From what you have shared, I'm holding a more 'cared for' vibe than a romantic interest. But only you can figure that out. It is all confusing to figure out.
With the TA, whilst that is a totally different dynamic , when he tried turning that relationship sexual, you backed away. So it was clear it wasn't sexual desire on your part.
How does the sexual desire play out with ex? (No need to answer that here, as it's an intimate question, but perhaps something to explore and might have the answers for you).

 

[flesh and blood]

From what you have shared, I'm holding a more 'cared for' vibe than a romantic interest. But only you can figure that out. It is all confusing to figure out.
With the TA, whilst that is a totally different dynamic , when he tried turning that relationship sexual, you backed away. So it was clear it wasn't sexual desire on your part.
How does the sexual desire play out with ex? (No need to answer that here, as it's an intimate question, but perhaps something to explore and might have the answers for you).

Yes valid. Tbf I was also mainly focusing on the aspects that were making me question if it was a need to be cared for in what I shared.

With the TA situation it’s actually interesting because I was thinking about him sexually, so I did feel sexual desire towards him. But the attraction was more in my head than grounded in reality, once it got real despite fantasizing about him, my immediate reaction when he tried kissing me was “ew”. I think him making a move on me in a very heteronormative way, like trying to kiss me without asking, flirting when I was never reciprocating, also contributed to the rejection. But even after I rejected him I could still feel remnants of the crush but after a week or two it’s completely gone. It’s weird because I didn’t think he was very attractive, and also I knew he’s not my type, even in my fantasies if they took a sexual turn I would avoid imagining his face, yet I’d still feel a sexual attraction when I’d pass by him in school. I also want to add that during the one year of obsessive crushing, I barely interacted with him, when the crush had started to slightly ease out is when we started to hang out outside the department and he tried kissing me on the third hang out so it’s not like I got to know him, and that made it also more easy for me too because the intensity of the crush didn’t match the relationship or knowledge I had about him.

With my ex, it’s more complicated. I do know them as a person, and I originally fell in love with them for multiple reasons not just because they made me feel safe, even though that was part of it. There was real emotional connection, compatibility, and also a sexual relationship where I felt genuinely comfortable and my sexual needs were being met. That’s why I’m struggling to differentiate now. Because the foundation with them was real, it’s harder to tell whether my current feelings are coming from a genuine desire to reconnect with them romantically and sexually, or from a place of wanting that sense of safety and care again. And ofc it could be both, but I don’t want to change the dynamic if the main reason is me desiring a sense of safety.