Is It Me With The Problem Or Her

[IamFree]

In turmoil right now need some help. A relationship with a colleague is causing me distress. I do not know if I am being abused again or not as I come from a background of abuse and it can just seem normal to me.

This colleague is very much a jekyl and hyde character ever since we have been working together the past year its been an emotional rollercoaster. I know I have a tendency to gravitate towards and attract unsafe people...it goes like this. she is very lovely and nice and supportive of me then she has mood swings and becomes verbally abusive and or controlling in the relationship..so I try to set boundaries and push her away then she cant bear my disapproval and she is bending over backwards and killing me with kindness wanting to be close to me again so I feel so sorry for her I let her back in..until she has the next mood swing and then the same thing happens all over again..It feels like I am dealing with two different people. Everyone in work is gossiping that she has an alcohol problem to . I just feel like I really want her out of my life. I don't want or need this..but like I said I feel like she wants to impose her self on me no matter what I say and do.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Stick to your boundaries and don't give in to her "killing you with kindness act". Because that's what it is and act that she uses to pull you back in and then you cave.

 

[Rag doll]

In turmoil right now need some help. A relationship with a colleague is causing me distress. I do not k...

In reading your post, I could identify very closely with your feelings....one of the most crippling wounds of a childhood defined by abuse is the inability to stay out of the way of abusive people....''if you can imagine a small child maybe 3 or 4 years old,she is crying , she is on railroad track and a train is coming straight at her...instead of getting off the track, the little girl stands there, frozen in her tracks,she is unable to move.....and she closes her eyes,and braces herself for impact.'' Unfortunately, that is too often what is hard wired into your brain....even when you know better...it is a scene that has played itself out over and over again in my life. As I read your post, a lot of those real life scenes played out in a flash of memories. What happens when to you as a child, is not your fault, you were innocent victim.....but as you get older, here's the part that sometimes is harder to recovery from than the original trauma....as adult ,you and you alone can decide , " I may not of had the power as a child , but I certainly DO AS A ADULT, can dictate how people treat me as a adult." If you have ever seen very much of Dr. Phil or Oprah. You will hear this phrase and it is very true....''You teach people how to treat you". This much I know , it is very true , whatever the other persons reason or agenda is, and often they are just hunting for a victim to vent their anger on....you just happen to stumble into their path. I am afraid that is generally the case....you might want to think of finding someone who is very experienced in successfully treating trauma like this and or reading books like "Betrayal Bonds" and see if any of that resonates for you. I hope this helps.

 

[GrayOwl]

What you describe is for me also a difficult situation. I'll describe me, perhaps you might relate to something I say.
I am a very empathetic person so I am attuned to perceive other peoples' emotions rather easily. I am working on learning not to react to what I "perceive" to be "their" needs or insufficiencies. I can't solve everyone's problems, I don't need to, and generally speaking - it's none of my business!. But for my own well being, I need to leave it at perceiving - unless there is a dire need or emergency - they should ask for help - I don't need to offer it or interject myself in to their lives. These days I offer my input usually only when asked.
The other part of this equation, is me. I am a social creature. I like to be liked. Who doesn't? I like attention. Most people do. I have to keep that in check. I need to assess each person and situation carefully today when I am dealing with unknown or difficult people. What are my reasons for engaging this person? What am I getting or trying to get from this interaction? Learning how to be honest with myself has been a difficult process - but through trial and error (and pain) I am learning a lot about how and why I interact with people and how and why I have gotten myself in to difficult situations and relationships in the past. I'm not always the cause, nor am I always the innocent bystander - but I am learning that in most cases there are always things I could do or could have done to avoid discomfort. Not that I am a total isolationist today, but I don't need the attention of others today (as much). I have a few close friends and family that I trust and I stick to them for those needs.
But, yours is a work situation, and I have many of those too. In fact my workplace is built on a system of bullying and harassment rather than management. I have learned much. One person has died in the workplace and three have committed suicide. It is harsh. It's a crew of 40. So, I guess what I am saying is, I have hardened some and grown up lots. I don't want to give up being me, so I keep my sense of humor and interact and enjoy work cautiously when I can. But there are sharks out there and they can be difficult to be around - so, sadly, I am somewhat guarded in my inner demeanor. But just like you wouldn't walk unprotected down a dark alley in a slum at night, don't drop your emotional awareness at times when it needs to be sharpened and used to keep you safe. THAT, is a learning process of self awareness that comes with practice and experience.
The person you describe , (this is work) unless you have absolute need to interact, I would detach from. Leave her (and her "issues") alone. She sounds like a spinning top and has needs or goes out of control on a whim - and nobody needs to be around that. She nay be bipolar or narcissistic, or have home/external issues - but they are being vented on those that she knows she can vent them on - and you, apparently, are placing yourself somewhere in her vicinity where that can happen. It will probably continue as long as you allow it. Don't set yourself up for it. Detach. People like that I place a visual skull and crossbones on their forehead - and I stay away. They are a danger to me. Not only is it not good for my emotional well being - during their episodes they can and often will place other peoples careers in jeopardy - they are often only to willing to throw others "under the bus" to cover their inadequacies or episodes at work.
Sorry, this got rather lengthy. It's a great topic and seems to have been a large part of my life also. Thank you for letting me ramble.. Wish you the best of luck with this.
BTW, def. of "luck" : Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.
So very true.

 

[IamFree]

What you describe is for me also a difficult situation. I'll describe me, perhaps you might relate to...

Thanks very helpful. yes I agree in dysfunctional relationships there are often things both people are doing wrong but its up to one person to make there mind up and think enough is enough I want out...or I like to imagine someone is trampling around in my garden and its time for me to tell them to leave and close the gate behind them...I know I have big codependency issues in relationships. Its not coincidence that my mother was an addict to..its like i am just hard wired to seek these people out..I am learning how to let go of my need to rescue and feel over sentimental for these parent figures with issues.

 

[IamFree]

th

Stick to your boundaries and don't give in to her "killing you with kindness act". Because that's what it...

thanks well said just contemplating how i will handle her act because i know its coming as soon as she senses she is in the dog house she will start acting the puppy dog...in a perfect world i could tell her to kiss my ass..but work being work we have to be all diplomatic and well behaved

 

[IamFree]

In reading your post, I could identify very closely with your feelings....one of the most crippling wo...

Yes...sometimes it can feel like abuse is your destiny ..these people just come in and you do not know what to do with them..I think sometimes even this is the best i can do and get from people i am not good enough for anyone or anything else..I must start to let go of this beleif.

 

[GrayOwl]

Good luck again.
Put up the barriers.
Divert your attention to positive people and positive things in your environment and away from her and her neediness. Eventually it will become habit and as it does she will drift on to someone else that she can victimize.
Take care!

 

[Fadeaway]

It sounds like she might suffer from disorganized attachment as well.

 

[IamFree]

y

Good luck again.
Put up the barriers.
Divert your attention to positive people and positive things in y...

yes and habit is the word..behaviour in relationships is very much habitual.

 

[Jerry Richard]

Or maybe she needs you! Maybe she isn't all that bad...I myself can relate to the "her" in your story! Being once a victim myself and now a survivor with PTSD only needed to feel wanted in my final relationship and and needs and other wants as he did and at first I was just happy that he had not given up on us and let me back in but then when my needs or wants weren't being met and I was giving 200% making sure his were yes, sure, I started questioning where I stood and by my questioning him, I was "controlling and unraveling" to him. Not the case at all...I wanted to be with him didn't need to be with him however I needed to feel like I belonged, needed and wanted. A couple words, less than a minute of his time a day could've changed everything instead I'm left here feeling broken and lost again having to move 2500 miles away to start a new life without him because I was all in with him, I was prepared to grow old with him and give every last moment of my life to him and he wasn't willing to share his life with me and living in the same town as him is a daily struggle with sobriety and we'll just really difficult for me. Just remember guys that not all people are evil, not all are out just for themselves and there are some that really are just hoping to feel like they belong and have a purpose in someone else life. I truly didn't mean any harm, stress, or drama to him I just wanted him to understand my f*cked up past and share an amazing future with me. That's all...Have a great day everyone

 

[IamFree]

Or maybe she needs you! Maybe she isn't all that bad...I myself can relate to the "her" in your s...

bless your positivity and i absolutely agree in honouring the light in people ...its a tricky one as in my codepency i can have a need to rescue and care take people...i have had this many times from her and felt sorry for her and then she wants to abuse me again i dont know what she wants from me...enough becomes enough in the end a i feel compelled to protect my self right now...i am fragile my self right now...but after reading what you said i will try not judge her to harshly...and who know what the future may hold. todays problems might not exist next week/month/year