Is It Possible That The Flashbacks Are Something Else?

[Hope1969]

I don't remember the abuse.

I don't remember my childhood room at all. I allwayes suspected that something happened that caused me to hide this memory of the room. But never looked for answers.

Few months ago when the flashbacks started I was sure that my big brother maybe sexually abused me because my parents told me that we shared the room ( I don't remember ) but than I started to see my father as the abuser. I was shocked. First because I loved him very much. He was the only normal person in our family and he was very gentle and respectful towards me. Second. He is not that kind of a person.

Lately I started to think that maybe as a child I saw my parents making love and that shocked so much the little child I was that I felt as if it happen to me. So is it possible that the flashbacks of my father abusing me are misunderstanding of a situation as a child?

I know nobody can tell me yes or no for sure but I would like to hear from your experience.

I also know that I write here a lot about the flashbacks and if they are real. Sorry if I am writing about the same subject agin and again.

 

[sun seeker]

So is it possible that the flashbacks of my father abusing me are misunderstanding of a situation as a child?

Possible, yes. Likely, I don't know. I can't remember where I came across this story sometime recently, but I seem to recall that there was someone who had images of a particular person connected with memories of sexual abuse, and it turned out that was someone who saved her from the abuse, not the perpetrator. Or something like that. Sometimes my memory... :rolleyes:

Whether that is the case for you, of course I can't say. What I can say is the memory of trauma is held in the body. Our minds can get confused. Our bodies do not. I highly recommend working with a therapist trained in somatic experiencing. I can imagine how you are longing for a "yes" or "no" and unfortunately no one can say that for sure. But in time, the need to know does shift to a need to heal the symptoms that are tormenting you.

 

[EmmaOwl]

the need to know does shift to a need to heal the symptoms

This is very true and important; I really got this only very recently. Good to keep in mind.

 

[hodge]

I don't know, Hope. In my experience of flashbacks, they are always to something that actually happened to me which I remember, but which I just discounted for years. Then they reared their ugly heads and began haunting me and coming back in full force. But I had long-delayed onset of PTSD.

I think you have a couple options. First, what Sun Seeker recommended. Also, what my new trauma-specialist therapist recommends -- thought field therapy. It's tapping on accupressure points on your body while keeping a particular trauma in mind. There's a little EMDR-kind of stuff involved, but not much. There's just a segment where you roll your eyes around. And you don't have to recite the trauma while you're doing it. My therapist firmly believes that that kind of thing just serves to retraumatize us. She thinks that doing the tapping helps to heal our brains somehow. I'm going for it, because I have little left to try and it does make sense, as I feel my brain has changed. I hope this helps.

 

[Hope1969]

Possible, yes. Likely, I don't know. I can't remember where I came across this story sometime rece...

In the beginning I he'd only "body memories". I believe them 100%. Because I don't think that I could made this up. In the beginning I thought that it was body memories of being with my partners ( I never loved them honestly and it was only sex for me so I thought that maybe I was traumatized by that). But then I started to feel things that I didn't do with my partners things that I avoided of doing. And then the "pictures and movies" flashbacks started.

I didn't know that there are somatic therapists. I really trust my T and don't want to stop working with her.

 

[Hope1969]

But in time, the need to know does shift to a need to heal the symptoms that are tormenting you.

I don't know how....

 

[hodge]

Keep working with the therapist you trust. Just know there are other approaches out there. I wish you the best :hug:

 

[Hope1969]

I hope this helps.

It did. I was thinking myself speaking with my T about EMDR.
We started to do exposure therapy. We are working on telling the story. At first I read the list of flashbacks. It was so difficult I thought I was going to die. And after 2 meetings she suggested that we take one memory and start to explore it. I hate it. I feel that I am making things up. She asks questions and I answer but I feel like I am lying. So I started to think about EMDR. I didn't have the courage to ask her . I am afraid that she will think that I don't trust her or that she is not enough.

 

[sun seeker]

How, is time. I don't think there is anything you can do to hurry it.

 

[hodge]

Hope, if you have more than one or two traumas, I would really warn you away from EMDR. I have had multiple traumas and none of my therapists post-PTSD nor my psychiatrist have ever suggested EMDR for me. Thought Field Therapy is quite different, and I trust my trauma therapist that that won't harm my brain and may actually help to heal it.

 

[Seasounds]

• As it is a process for you, it was for me, of realizing and trusting my memory.
• Finally trusting my memory changed my life. It felt like stepping off a cliff.
• With my inviting the revelation, the perpetrator's face appeared in my dreams. At first I didn't recognize the face. When looking through old family pictures, the face appeared.
• I don't think our body's behaviors or dreams, lie. It can be challenging to reconcile what we want to believe, and what actually happened. Memories, dreams, the nature of our current of relationships with people, all give us clues to put together. When we are safe enough, we see how the puzzle pieces fit together.
• The people that abuse people, can block the memory too. That is why it is not always helpful to share YOUR truth with them.
• It was not fruitful for me to directly share my memory with my perpetrators. What was helpful, was to share the with a therapist and a survivors support group.
• I like that forgiveness came organically, as I reclaimed myself, rather than 'thinking' forgiving would solve everything.
• I imagine what I did could work for you. (And for me the process was a couple of years.) While you create safe relationships, (that make it safe to remember) gently invite yourself to wonder/invite memories, with no pressure. Pay attention to dreams, feelings, sometimes collage art and free writing can help.
• Bessel van der Kolk has written on body memories. Alice Miller is another relevant author.
• It was challenge to be with my deeper truth, and to be loyal to myself, rather than being loyal to the brighter side of the perpetrators-which community and other family members were.
• The proof in the pudding for me was how, once I had the courage to share my memory, how my nightmares stopped, and my anger decreased.
• Afterwards, more layers appeared, and of course, I had re-building, self-loving, and integrating work to do.

My best to you!:hug:

 

[futurefocussed]

Hope... I don't even know where to start, but I do know what it is like to doubt the memories that you have.
This is the part of my story that I do think is relevant to you.

When I was 14 my mind started to make delusions, things that I thought happened that every fiber in my being believed happened.
I had a very vivid imagination and my dad encouraged me to look at porn with him and watch sexually orientated movies with him before i was 14 and after, so my mind took what i saw in those movies, in all the other dark movies and made up the delusions in my mind.
I believed that my dad was using me to do satanic rituals and that he and his friends used to gang rape me, that i don't remember any of my childhood up to the age of 8/9 apart from what i have seen in home movies and photos, and i dont remember much until my 21st birthday, the amount i remember increases as i get older, but i remember substantially more from my 21st birthday onwards.
The evidence that I had against my dad was the delusions in my head, but it was my imagination building upon something true.
I know Dad showing me porn from a very young age was wrong.
I know the fact that Dad knows distinct physical attributes about my breasts is wrong. I don't know how he learned of those things.
Apart from that, I have nothing to go on.
The few things that I am certain of
I was never involved in any satanic rituals.
I was never gang raped by my Dad's friends.
Yes my Dad was physically abusive towards my brothers, but I can't remember if he was to me.
Yes my mum grew distant when I was 14 and I kind of took on the role of mum to my brothers, how far that relationship went? I don't know, I don't remember.

What I do know though is that the source was right, there was something sexually wrong there, how much my imagination built on that was questionable and there are very few facts.

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I'm not saying that what you think happened isn't true, but I'm not saying that it isn't false, but I am saying what it's like to be uncertain.

If you want to contact me, go for it, I don't mind talking this stuff through with you, but don't feel like you have to contact me.