I really trust my T and don't want to stop working with her.
speaking with my T about EMDR..... It was so difficult I thought I was going to die.... I didn't have the courage to ask her . I am afraid that she will think that I don't trust her or that she is not enough.
Hope, I would like to help you, but I have to say these two different messages left me confused.
As to the first statement, I agree with hodge which was - Stick with who you trust!
But then reading further, I did feel concern that you don't have the courage to speak to your therapist.
Could you tell her that, specfically? That is what I would suggest - "I am afraid that you will think..."
If you cannot speak the words, perhaps you could write a note and bring it with you.
I see your further question here and I will tell you a small part of my story - which, of course, have no direct bearing on your own experiences or the experiences of others. I can tell you the damaging things that were on my mind, not knowing "for sure" one way or another. Not knowing the truth. I essentially spent several years in limbo, and it was a time of great difficulty, especially as I hid these confusing memories, all while I was going through adolescence.
- I repressed memories of things that happened when I was a toddler. I had a lot of nightmares, recurring, but no one thought much of it. It was a sort of stereotypical running-and-hiding scenario.
As I entered, oh, middle-school-age, I started to remember some very very dark things when I woke up from those nightmares. And I thought I was an evil person for making up horrible things about the person I loved and admired the most in the world - my big brother.
After several years of confusion and deep depression, I went to my brother and asked him directly. He told me that what I remembered had indeed happened. He was a very screwed up kid and when I was ages, say, 2 to 4 or 5 (no one seems to have an exact memory of when and for how long this continued) a number of things happened. At one point or another, I conveyed to my parents that something wrong happened, and they put a stop to it.
This is the story I have been told and I believe it. But it required some frankly terrifying moments to find out, and I think I was in a unique position of support within my immediate family, with my brother admitting the things that had happened, then going to my parents for
their take on things. It was so many years later, and so distressing, that we all forgot it to some extent - including my parents. That surprised me. My dad totally forgot it. Marcia had very little memory. But my brother was willing to talk with me and offered to do whatever he could to help me. (That was helpful for several years; it didn't quite work out but that story is beyond the scope of this discussion.)
My conclusion is: Memory is a bizarre, fluid, and easily misunderstood process. I very very much know what it is like to feel the need to know...which is why I am grateful to sun seeker who said:
in time, the need to know does shift to a need to heal the symptoms
It surprised me to read that - it jolted me! it is true. Or it was true for me. I used to feel desperate for knowledge of exactly what happened. Now, I don't know much more than I did then, but I seem to have gotten past that point (without even realizing it) and to a point where my therapist has been helping me to figure out how to overcome these things without needing to know every last horrible detail. At this point in time, I have very little to enjoy, and that's what I'm working on. My quality of life sucks and I want to be better.
I am sorry that I seem to have veered off topic. Forgive me for that.... I went into a "thing" of my own and now I don't want to delete it. ? So I am posting. Sorry if that is the wrong course of action here.
