General Is It Possible They Enjoy Seeing the Pain In Someone Else?

[accaciablu2]

I'm still new to this and learning. But, something just occured to me, and I'm wondering... Is it possible that a man could enjoy seeing the pain he's causing to his partner?

My boyfriend was only 15 or 16 years old when he was with some men on a road trip, who murdered a woman. A woman that he actually sat with part of the way on this trip and spoke to. I don't know that he observed the actual murder, but he told me of how he saw her dismembered body and I believe was made to assist in disposing the parts along the highway. He says he's never spoken of this with anyone until now, 25 years later, still in denial, doesn't want to speak to a therapist, and told me not to tell anyone.

He also mentioned to me that after that event, he started watching a lot of murder mystery type reality shows etc. I've heard this type of thing happens, but, is there some type of enjoyment in it? Or something that made him feel that it was normal, seeing those types of things over and over? Something to numb him to it more?

And...I don't know a lot about his childhood, but he was sent here to The United States as a teenager from Mexico to further his education and to live with his older sisters. I'm beginning to think that he may also have some issues of abandonment as well. He doesn't talk much about his mother, and his sisters are not the nicest of people. Maybe he feels like they weren't there for him? He never told anyone!!! Just a boy.

And of course, he's also never been able to keep a lasting relationship, has been cheated on and many others I suspect he's either pushed away or scared them away.

He knows that I cheated once, and even though I've expressed very emotionally many times the guilt and difficulty I've had moving on and living with myself from it, he continues to accuse me. However, I think he knows that I haven't done anything, but is just expecting it to happen. It's like he's given up hope of anything or anyone good to be a reality. I can understand that, I feel that way sometimes.

We were talking today and he started again, asking who was with me. He knows that's all it takes to trigger me and get me upset. I've told him so many times how much it hurts, that he makes me feel like because of that mistake, now suddenly I'm a whore. I started to cry... again. Suddenly, I felt like.. hmmm... maybe he's enjoying this. Maybe it makes him feel good when I cry, when I'm telling him how much I love him and continue defending myself.

All the other women left, he's expecting I will too, but he pushes.. pushes.. I showed him so much love before, then backed off a little, waiting to see when he was going to start showing me the same. But, nothing, numbness. Now, he's started this emotional abuse, pushing me away. This was just before he told me about all of this, which is why I've stayed longer, trying to at least now understand where it's all coming from and trying to have some patience with him as to why he doesn't know how to love.

I'd be willing to stay as long as he stopped hurting me emotionally. He used to be so nice, laid back, never got upset. He doesn't yell, say terribly bad things or call me names. Just acts like, it's only a question, "who's with you?" "why don't you just be honest with me? Open up to me?". And the truth is, I've been overly honest with him from the beginning because I knew he had problems with opening up and trusting people. However, I didn't know just how bad and why until now.

I'm just not strong enough to take too much more. I have my own issues with self-esteem and depression and I've worked hard to overcome them. Lately, he just brings me down, I've had to start working on myself again. And, having codependency issues, I need to keep myself in check. Yet, I don't want to abandon him either.

Anyway, I guess that went a lot longer than I was planning. I guess there's just a lot of unanswered questions, with him and myself. I guess I'm wondering if he's pushing me away, because he thinks I'll leave, like everyone else. Or if he's just enjoying it to actually feel something other than pain. Uggghh.. who knows..

It's been suggested that I leave him, and I've tried but not successfully. However, it's getting closer and I'm getting stronger. If he doesn't accept and do something quick, I know I won't last. I ordered a book for him and asked him to read it open mindedly when it arrives. He didn't realize that there's help out there for this. I guess I'm hoping he'll read it and do something, at the very least get diagnosed, hopefully accept treatment.

I'm sorry for going on and on. I guess once I got started, it felt good getting it out. I talk to my friend about it a bit, but it's nice if I can talk with others who fully understand.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Deleted member 541]

My advice to you would be.........Drop this guy, and move on with your life elsewhere.....

This man was involved with a murder and you are dating him??????? OMG....Why are you with him?? And secondly, you KNOW this information, a women was murdered and yet you don't go to the police????

Where is your compassion for the woman's family???? Sorry, but this is just way to weird for me...

 

[becvan]

And of course, he's also never been able to keep a lasting relationship, has been cheated on and many others I suspect he's either pushed away or scared them away.

He knows that I cheated once, and even though I've expressed very emotionally many times the guilt and difficulty I've had moving on and living with myself from it, he continues to accuse me.

Okay I am so not touching the whole murder thing.

However he has previously been cheated on, then you cheated on him. Now that you have expressed guilt and remorse it is just supposed to disappear? Sorry but it doesn't work that way. The consequences of cheating is that he leaves or or he tries to work through it and you accept the fact that you do not deserve his trust until you earn it back. Earning back his trust is on his timeline not yours. If it's been three years and he still doesn't trust you, tough. You are the one who destroyed it.

So you have two choices here, suck it up and continue being honest and transparent (meaning you answer all of his questions and don't give guilt trips over it and accept the fact that he doesn't trust you) or you leave.

bec

 

[accaciablu2]

My Reply

Geee... and I wondered why it took me so long to post again after my introduction. I know this is a more complicated case to what you are all used to on here. And I've been torn with emotions all over the place, learning of this. Which added to the mountain of tragedies already going on my life. Wow... I feel so much better now.

First of all... I just found this out about a month ago. Second.. he was a child, who the MEN who did this forced him and threatened him not to speak of it, is what has caused this now man trauma. I'm thinking as a child after seeing what they were capable of, you'd be afraid of what they could do to you and your family, including 4 sisters.

Thanks for acting as if there was no care for this woman. You don't know of the tears in his eyes when describing this to me. And the tears in mine. Sorry, I'm not that callus, I was just touching on another topic added to this story. Wondering how these people ruined a young boys life.

You got one point of this and don't know of the other aspects of the story. Now I see why people are making comments on here about how new posters are treated. I'm traumatized myself and still absorbing this information and find it hard to discuss. I thought I found a place where there might be some understanding.

This happened 25 years ago! He spoke of it only once and he told me to never mention it again. I was just barely able to get him to just listen to me about the subject 2 days ago. (With his hands over his ears and curled up in a fetal position) YOU are the one with NO compassion!

I'm in this place to figure out the best way to help this man by understanding, so that I can get him to open up more... I only know minor details. Maybe if I can get him to even speak of it now a second time after 25 years of fear, maybe then he can feel strong enough to speak up and help give some closure to her family. He didn't know her, she was picked up somewhere by one of the men and he doesn't even remember the exact locations of this long roadtrip. You make it sound so easy!

I came here for help to understanding this man's pain, and if there was some way to help without hurting myself. But, I see now why he would be afraid to open up to anyone. If he would have heard or saw something like that, he probably would have shut down for another 20 years.

Have fun "sharing" your thoughts here. I'll do this with people in person, that I can trust from now on. Good luck to anyone you may be "caring" about.

Maybe you should learn ALL the details before making such harsh statements. You don't have all the facts... I was trying to work my way to get some resolve for that poor woman, a traumatized child and myself. Thanks for nothing! I don't think you have any clue as to what you've just done. I'm dealing with SO much in my own life right now, and trying to stay above water, and then loving someone who only recently has changed and added this to my heart. You are cruel and have no idea what harm you cause with your words.

You can go tell all these other posters how awful they are and what to do. Maybe try asking a few questions first before making your bold and humiliating assumptions.

 

[accaciablu2]

Cheating

Just to clear that up. I never cheated on him. I cheated over 15 years ago on my husband. I don't justify it, but I was in a very bad emotional place at the time, and my husband being an alcoholic, etc. I didn't even understand why I did it until almost 5 years later when I began really looking at myself and working to improve my self-esteem, depression, etc. But, I do understand what you were trying to say and appreciate your post.

However, I probably won't be returning to this site. Not yours, but some people are quick to give their opinion not knowing the entire story. Now I wish that I wouldn't have gone on and on. I was just curious about what people thought about them possibly starting to enjoy seeing the pain. Especially, when they've numbed themselves of all feelings for 25 years. I guess it doesn't even matter anymore. Somehow, now I'm the bad person because some evil men put a child in a tragic life changing situation.

Thank you for your words.. Good luck

 

[Nicolette]

Now I see why people are making comments on here about how new posters are treated. I'm traumatized myself and still absorbing this information and find it hard to discuss. I thought I found a place where there might be some understanding.

I am sorry for your present struggles but you need to be fair in your comments. A person can only respond to what you have written, and their interpretation of it so I am positive it is nothing to do with 'treatment' as you put it.

If you put something on the forum and don't clarify it, like you have now done, you leave your post open to misinterpretation.

People give their time freely to try and help each other. I think you need to realise you sound very emotional now so perhaps, take a deep breath, walk away and come back and read what you have written (not what you know) and then read the responses.

This forum thing works both ways and emotions can often cloud judgment as can partial information.

 

[Deleted member 541]

My response would still be the same, even IF I had known the complete story......Your boyfriend is now a grown man, capable of reporting to the police what he knows, and aiding the police in closing this case, for their records and for the victims family.

The bottom line is PTSD isn't an excuse for bad behavior. He has an obligation to himself, and to society to do the right thing.....Here is the states there is no statute of limitations when it comes to murder........

Furthermore.....Just how do you expect anyone to answer to your post with an open mind, when you only post HALF of the story, or lead people to believe something that isn't what you post???????

You did post....."He knows that I cheated once, and even though I've expressed very emotionally many times the guilt and difficulty I've had moving on and living with myself from it," WHAT were we supposed to think with that statement???????

This could all have been avoided, had you posted the FULL story and clarified exactly what you were posting about. We aren't mind readers here.

I do understand that you are struggling, and I can hear your frustration, I just have a hard time not feeling for the real victim in all of this. The woman that was murdered......

 

[Nicolette]

You can go tell all these other posters how awful they are and what to do. Maybe try asking a few questions first before making your bold and humiliating assumptions.

Consider this post a warning not to attack other members for their opinions, which like yours, should be respected. If you continue to attack your account will be put into moderation.

 

[anthony]

My boyfriend was only 15 or 16 years old when he was with some men on a road trip, who murdered a woman. A woman that he actually sat with part of the way on this trip and spoke to. I don't know that he observed the actual murder, but he told me of how he saw her dismembered body and I believe was made to assist in disposing the parts along the highway. He says he's never spoken of this with anyone until now, 25 years later, still in denial, doesn't want to speak to a therapist, and told me not to tell anyone.

I have closed this thread because you have mentioned something here that could be used in a court of law and is ambiguous at the best. If this person has given you no such permission to discuss what was told to you in confidence, then there is no reason you should be discussing such thing on a public forum.

I have a legal responsibility at the point of this information coming to my attention to cease it immediately.