C
confused1234
After what feels like 4 weeks filled with anxiety and not knowing where I stand I need an opinion ideally of someone who maybe knows what the signs of PTSD are.
Around Christmas time I started 'fooling around' with a guy. Someone I knew through local circles of friends, it was just 'fooling around' and no more. We would see each other every few days and at the time that was fine, watch a few films get the odd takeaway have some "fun". There were times during this spell that I often thought and even said to a good friend that there was something about him that made me uneasy. He was extremely quiet to the point where I felt very nervous around him (and I'm not made nervous easily), apart from during sex he was extremely cold, almost emotionless to the point where a cuddle would mean he threw his arm out expected me to put my head on his chest but didn't exactly squeeze me more just rest his hand on me- very lacking in affection. At the time it didn't bother me at all I knew what 'we' were so it was fine.
Then.... he went away with work. He's ex.army (now 28) and served in Iraq. On coming out of the army for 4 years he quickly became single from what I can gather (although he's never said why) and has remained so ever since. For the last two years he's protected ships in Somalia and goes away for 6-7 weeks comes back for the same. When he went away with his job I didn't expect to hear from him apart from maybe the odd hi every now and then, in fact the complete opposite happened. I heard from him everyday for 6 weeks and on some days it was continuous messaging. The conversation was never hugely deep but he did talk about the fact he was in his job to get his house built and finished etc and once its done he'll come back out of his job. About 4 weeks in to him being away he asked if I'd met anyone and if I'd wait for him to come home. I asked what I was waiting for and he admitted that he'd not been in any sort of a relationship for 4 years for reason he didn't want to go into right now and that he found it hard. That it would take time but he wanted me to wait and lets see how it goes.... stupidly I agreed.
Two weeks later he was back, we'd spent 6 weeks of calling each other all the affection terms imaginable and talking like a couple. I picked him up from the airport and aside from being nervous we had a great day together and agreed to go for drinks the next night. Within those 24 hours I could tell something had changed, he wasn't as cold as previous but definitely more off. Only as he had a few drinks did he appear to relax. Come the next morning I didn't feel any affection from him, he wasn't horrid at all but I felt anxious almost straight away. Without realizing what I was about to do I quickly pushed him for clarification on what we were to which he said he didn't know what he wanted. That he liked me a lot, liked spending time with me but that he didn't know what to do. Needless to say I was gutted.
These past 4 weeks have been a mixture of him pulling and pushing me away. He's asked to see me but then goes quiet for a few days when he has. I decided to walk away and told him I couldn't do it anyway to which he responded saying he understood, that I deserved so much and he doesn't want to hurt me that I mean so much but he genuinely doesn't know what he wants. I was prepared to walk away but then I'd hear from him when he had drank, begging to see me and it wasn't just for sex on a couple of occasions it would be to hold me and cuddle, the thing he doesn't do very well when sober. On one occasion he was holding me squeezing my hips saying that they were his, that I was his. I chose to shrug it off as he was drunk. Then one night when I wouldn't go to him (it was very late) he turned mean, saying I wasn't there when he really needed and wanted me and that I'd really hurt him. He then tried to ring, didn't like my tone of voice so hung up and again said I'd hurt him. I couldn't fathom how someone who had picked me up and thrown me down so many times in 4 weeks could accuse me of letting him down? Confused to say the least.
The next day I got an apology (of sorts) and basically he wanted to know we were still ok (whilst I still didn't know what 'we' meant). We left it civil but then the following wednesday he came and stayed with me as I had been to the hospital for a minor op that day. He turned up with wine (granted I couldn't drink it) and we cooked food together watched films and he didn't lay a finger on me other than the odd kiss and holding my hand (again something new for him). He spent the night and I woke up to him stroking my face and I got plenty of cuddles in the night. Since last week I've heard from him on and off as usual and spent last night with him. He seemed more relaxed and has found out he's going away again possibly this week or next. We discussed things (again in messages as he doesn't deal with it well in person) and he said he likes me, wants to see how it goes, promises there is no one else and not to worry about that side of things. But that he worry's that if it doesn't work out that I'll have waited for nothing and that he hates the idea of hurting me... again pushing me away but almost pulling me in at the same time. We've arranged to see each other again on Thursday night, I already know that i won't hear from him until then. It's just the way it goes and it's hard to take.
Apart from seeing me he's someone of huge routine he has plenty of acquaintances but only a few close friends who he spends a lot of time with and often stays with. Perhaps they're his safety net. One of which is his cousin and he has told her about me. When he speaks to her or his close friends on the phone he's like a different person like he's at ease. He's started to seem more like this with me after 4 weeks of being home but just as it starts to look like we might be getting somewhere he is about to go again. I might be completely wrong but it seems to me from things he's said and how he acts that he has some form of emotional issues, possibly PTSD from his time in Iraq. I'm not convinced that his current job is exactly helpful for this as there is often conflict in pirates attacking the ships he's protecting. He's admitted he feels more at ease out there than at home and is now ready to go back.
Am I crazy to want to persist with this man or have I got it completely wrong and in fact I'm being very used 4 months on since December? I haven't asked him if it's PTSD that he didn't want to discuss but in our messages over the weekend I did say that I wanted to see how it goes just because I think eventually he'll open up to why he is how he is, his response was that he understood and lets see how things go.
Any advice please and sorry if this seems a very irrational and all over the place post.
Around Christmas time I started 'fooling around' with a guy. Someone I knew through local circles of friends, it was just 'fooling around' and no more. We would see each other every few days and at the time that was fine, watch a few films get the odd takeaway have some "fun". There were times during this spell that I often thought and even said to a good friend that there was something about him that made me uneasy. He was extremely quiet to the point where I felt very nervous around him (and I'm not made nervous easily), apart from during sex he was extremely cold, almost emotionless to the point where a cuddle would mean he threw his arm out expected me to put my head on his chest but didn't exactly squeeze me more just rest his hand on me- very lacking in affection. At the time it didn't bother me at all I knew what 'we' were so it was fine.
Then.... he went away with work. He's ex.army (now 28) and served in Iraq. On coming out of the army for 4 years he quickly became single from what I can gather (although he's never said why) and has remained so ever since. For the last two years he's protected ships in Somalia and goes away for 6-7 weeks comes back for the same. When he went away with his job I didn't expect to hear from him apart from maybe the odd hi every now and then, in fact the complete opposite happened. I heard from him everyday for 6 weeks and on some days it was continuous messaging. The conversation was never hugely deep but he did talk about the fact he was in his job to get his house built and finished etc and once its done he'll come back out of his job. About 4 weeks in to him being away he asked if I'd met anyone and if I'd wait for him to come home. I asked what I was waiting for and he admitted that he'd not been in any sort of a relationship for 4 years for reason he didn't want to go into right now and that he found it hard. That it would take time but he wanted me to wait and lets see how it goes.... stupidly I agreed.
Two weeks later he was back, we'd spent 6 weeks of calling each other all the affection terms imaginable and talking like a couple. I picked him up from the airport and aside from being nervous we had a great day together and agreed to go for drinks the next night. Within those 24 hours I could tell something had changed, he wasn't as cold as previous but definitely more off. Only as he had a few drinks did he appear to relax. Come the next morning I didn't feel any affection from him, he wasn't horrid at all but I felt anxious almost straight away. Without realizing what I was about to do I quickly pushed him for clarification on what we were to which he said he didn't know what he wanted. That he liked me a lot, liked spending time with me but that he didn't know what to do. Needless to say I was gutted.
These past 4 weeks have been a mixture of him pulling and pushing me away. He's asked to see me but then goes quiet for a few days when he has. I decided to walk away and told him I couldn't do it anyway to which he responded saying he understood, that I deserved so much and he doesn't want to hurt me that I mean so much but he genuinely doesn't know what he wants. I was prepared to walk away but then I'd hear from him when he had drank, begging to see me and it wasn't just for sex on a couple of occasions it would be to hold me and cuddle, the thing he doesn't do very well when sober. On one occasion he was holding me squeezing my hips saying that they were his, that I was his. I chose to shrug it off as he was drunk. Then one night when I wouldn't go to him (it was very late) he turned mean, saying I wasn't there when he really needed and wanted me and that I'd really hurt him. He then tried to ring, didn't like my tone of voice so hung up and again said I'd hurt him. I couldn't fathom how someone who had picked me up and thrown me down so many times in 4 weeks could accuse me of letting him down? Confused to say the least.
The next day I got an apology (of sorts) and basically he wanted to know we were still ok (whilst I still didn't know what 'we' meant). We left it civil but then the following wednesday he came and stayed with me as I had been to the hospital for a minor op that day. He turned up with wine (granted I couldn't drink it) and we cooked food together watched films and he didn't lay a finger on me other than the odd kiss and holding my hand (again something new for him). He spent the night and I woke up to him stroking my face and I got plenty of cuddles in the night. Since last week I've heard from him on and off as usual and spent last night with him. He seemed more relaxed and has found out he's going away again possibly this week or next. We discussed things (again in messages as he doesn't deal with it well in person) and he said he likes me, wants to see how it goes, promises there is no one else and not to worry about that side of things. But that he worry's that if it doesn't work out that I'll have waited for nothing and that he hates the idea of hurting me... again pushing me away but almost pulling me in at the same time. We've arranged to see each other again on Thursday night, I already know that i won't hear from him until then. It's just the way it goes and it's hard to take.
Apart from seeing me he's someone of huge routine he has plenty of acquaintances but only a few close friends who he spends a lot of time with and often stays with. Perhaps they're his safety net. One of which is his cousin and he has told her about me. When he speaks to her or his close friends on the phone he's like a different person like he's at ease. He's started to seem more like this with me after 4 weeks of being home but just as it starts to look like we might be getting somewhere he is about to go again. I might be completely wrong but it seems to me from things he's said and how he acts that he has some form of emotional issues, possibly PTSD from his time in Iraq. I'm not convinced that his current job is exactly helpful for this as there is often conflict in pirates attacking the ships he's protecting. He's admitted he feels more at ease out there than at home and is now ready to go back.
Am I crazy to want to persist with this man or have I got it completely wrong and in fact I'm being very used 4 months on since December? I haven't asked him if it's PTSD that he didn't want to discuss but in our messages over the weekend I did say that I wanted to see how it goes just because I think eventually he'll open up to why he is how he is, his response was that he understood and lets see how things go.
Any advice please and sorry if this seems a very irrational and all over the place post.
