Relationship Is it supporting or chasing?

[YetiGal Blvr]

my boyfriend is a former marine and though out of service now, works in a career field that keeps him actively tied to similar experiences expected during military deployments. When we first met, he was absolutely everything to me. I didn’t expect him to be the one, but dating him literally felt like heaven and we both fell in love quickly and were even discussing marriage at one point. Fast forward to today, he recently returned from what I’ll call a deployment due to his parents being hospitalized for some very serious medical treatments. I saw him briefly before he headed to their home 5 hours away and for the most part, he was normal. Once he reached his parents though, he went silent. It took almost a week to hear anything from him and then I got maybe 2 text messages saying he’s fine, and that’s it. No I love you, no anything he might normally say. I had sent him 3 supportive texts during this first week. Another week goes by and I again hear nothing, despite sending 1 supportive I love you text to him. Now I am starting to get bothered. After 9 days of silence from him, I sent a well measured message saying I would appreciate more communication and if this is his ending things with me a little notice would be nice vs ghosting me. He responded saying he’s not ghosting me, he’s just processing things. I lost my cool a bit and sent him a long message saying I am comfortable giving him space but I really need him to communicate his needs and what’s going on so that I know how best to support him and that if he’s not able to do so, to let me know so we can go separate ways. His response was simply “ I understand and love you too.”

I don’t know what to do with that. Is this his PTSD coming through? I know he has PTSD and has had multiple TBIs. He doesn’t discuss them beyond telling me he has/had them from his military service early on in the relationship.

My question is, should I continue to send him messages once in a while providing simple no pressure support such as “just wanted to let you know I love you.” Or by doing so, am I lowering my own value and worth and in a sense “chasing” him?

If I could only have a conversation with him I feel I could get a better answer to this question and some clarity, but right now I have nothing but silence and an occasional response with almost no information in it.

It’s been 3 weeks of this strangeness now and what I want in my heart is to stick it out, but I’m also afraid of being taken for a fool.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He responded saying he’s not ghosting me, he’s just processing things.

Perhaps reframe your thinking. This is a very common supporter pitfall. Your main focus is the relationship because you’re feeling hurt. He is not in that mode right now.

Why isn’t his explanation valid? PTSD is a broken stress response, and it may a case of him having a full cup and zero emotional bandwidth left to interact with anybody, especially somebody who comes with relationship expectations.

could only have a conversation with him I feel I could get a better answer to this question and some clarity, but right now I have nothing but silence and an occasional response with almost no information in it.

He may not be capable of having discussions about his relationship if he is in survival mode. He may not be capable of dealing with an emotional girlfriend.

My question is, should I continue to send him messages once in a while providing simple no pressure support such as “just wanted to let you know I love you.”

He may think every text you send is pressure to answer, adding more stress and guilt.

And I saying your emotions are not valid? Nope. They are valid. You’re looking at things through a “normal” relationship lens though. This is a PTSD relationship and sometimes you have to ride out a stress response. I can almost guarantee this is nothing personal. It’s not about him not loving you anymore. It’s about him sending all his energy to his vital systems until the storm passes.

It’s a big mind-f*ck the first time it happens. We’ve all had this panic attack.

 

[YetiGal Blvr]

He may think every text you send is pressure to answer, adding more stress and guilt.

And I saying your emotions are not valid? Nope. They are valid. You’re looking at things through a “normal” relationship lens though. This is a PTSD relationship and sometimes you have to ride out a stress response. I can almost guarantee this is nothing personal. It’s not about him not loving you anymore. It’s about him sending all his energy to his vital systems until the storm passes.

How long do episodes like this typically last? I decided I wasn’t going to message him again, the last message was sent last Monday saying “you don’t have to respond - I just wanted you to know I care about you and I love you.”

I’m just unsure where to proceed from here now though. How long do you wait? Will he ever come back around? If he does, how awkward is it after going so long without any conversation?

 

[Friday]

How long do episodes like this typically last?

Varies tremendously person by person, episode by episode. Minutes, hours, dates, weeks, years.

Which means how f*cked up THEY are, and for how long? With PTSD, becomes… secondary… to how long YOU are okay with separating. There is no one/right way. Some people can’t handle 10 minutes lag on replying to text. Others are delighted meeting up 3 times in 10 years.

What do YOU need & want in a partner? How long are you okay with separating? How long does it vex, but you can hang on for? Some people are okay for 2 minutes, vexed for 20, done forever by 25minutes. Most people have more of a days/weeks thing. Some cheerfully go week/ months.

 

[shimmerz]

I do this. I am so regressed that I can't talk or can't think, or move, or a cycling through any or all at the same time. Sometimes I literally cannot speak. It is a thing and a very real thing. I have explained to my people that if I fall into this type of state that I will respond as soon as I can. I let them know that forcing communication on me can really compromise me for a very long time so please just leave me be to process.

This poor man has both of his parents very seriously ill. PTSD or not, this is something that is overwhelming to anyone with half a heart. Now is a very good time to show that you are capable of handling yourself while he is in crisis. "No need to respond. Sending you warmest wishes. Here if you need me in any way." That's what I need when things are like this for me.

 

[YetiGal Blvr]

I do this. I am so regressed that I can't talk or can't think, or move, or a cycling through any or all at the same time. Sometimes I literally cannot speak. It is a thing and a very real thing. I have explained to my people that if I fall into this type of state that I will respond as soon as I can. I let them know that forcing communication on me can really compromise me for a very long time so please just leave me be to process.

This poor man has both of his parents very seriously ill. PTSD or not, this is something that is overwhelming to anyone with half a heart. Now is a very good time to show that you are capable of handling yourself while he is in crisis. "No need to respond. Sending you warmest wishes. Here if you need me in any way." That's what I need when things are like this for me.

I wish he had told me in advance what “processing” means… i knew it sometimes took him a few days to work through and process things… but this time it’s been almost a month now and came without warning.

I did send him a no need to respond - I love you type message…. But someone else said that even those messages can be too much pressure. I’ve just decided to back off entirely and leave him be.

I’m hoping he’ll come back to me…. But a month is a long time… I don’t even know 100% if this is his PTSD shining through or not. I’m just trying to make sense of everything based on what I do know.

 

[nursenurse]

This was said before , and I will echo this. You have to decide for yourself what you can deal with. What you see now is a forever condition. Can things change for the better? Absolutely, as well, they may never change, and at the worst the situation just gets worse. And more than likely it will go on a continuum at its best. You do get to set boundaries for yourself. And you get to communicate those to him when he is in a good frame of mind, never in anger for you or him. Is he in therapy at all? Are you? It in no way diminishes you as a person to admit that this is not what you signed up for. It takes bravery to admit that just as much as it takes bravery to hang in. Beware of the early “I love you’s” from both you and him. In any romance both PTSD and not, this can be a bad thing. While you are waiting, get out and live your life, see your friends, do things that you enjoy doing. I guarantee sitting by the phone (I am old, that is what we used to do in the “olden” days) or constantly looking for that elusive text is not ever going to make you happy or constructively while away your time. Wishing you the best.

 

[YetiGal Blvr]

So I finally heard from him. He told me that he was staying on his family’s property in a cabin with no service and other than visiting his father in the hospital was in no communication with anyone as he was decompressing.

Unfortunately for me, he is 100% in work mode now, meaning he is incapable of empathetic engagement of conversation (very serious, callous and cold manner of speaking), and likely will be out on assignment for an unknown amount of time. I was able to get him to clear up some boundaries in terms of expectations while he is on assignment, I also was able to get him to tell me how long he usually takes to decompress (1-2 months) and the longest he’s gone without contact with friends/family/loved ones (60 days).

He told me he does not want supportive, loving text messages as they are more distractions than anything however he is ok with an occasional email. As for responding, he said other than saying it’s good to hear from you or something vague like that, he is not likely to share anything himself.

We also agreed that if at anytime either of us decided we want out of the relationship, we will let the other know as soon as we can.

I have decided that I’m going to see this one through and depending on what happens once he is available and decompressed again, we will either make it or we won’t. I figure I can take 6 months or however long it is he’s unavailable for to focus on me and my own improvement, friendships and hobbies while mostly pretending he doesn’t exist.

I might send him an email once a month or so, just short and simple. I’m not even sure if I should do that… But I’ve decided I’ll leave him to initiate all other types of communication during this time period.

This is hard.