Is it worth pursuing a relationship with my brother?

[Blue Survivor]

Quick background - PTSD from domestic violence, I left my abuser 7 years ago. For 6 years following, I dated a guy who was nice but I broke it off. The deal breaker was that he did not support me, and for a time he thought that PTSD was a made-up ailment until I had a flashback then an anxiety attack in front of him. He spent a lot of time with my brother because I'm super close with my brother & I spend lots of time with him, too. They became best friends. After calling it quits with that guy, I decided to not date for awhile - which my brother did not have an opinion on one way or the other.

Current Situation - A co-worker and I went out (as friends) to do something fun and we just clicked. I really like this guy...it has been only 6 months yet I can't ever imagine myself being with anyone else. He is truly wonderful! He's supportive, understanding, independent, strong, sweet, generous and he also has PTSD (from the military) so he knows what it's like to live with it and work on it each day.

The problem - My brother stopped inviting me to family events, in favor of the guy I dated for 6 years because my brother doesn't think I should have broken up with the guy! My brother thinks that I should have given the guy another shot - but my brother doesn't know what it was like living with or dating the guy! All he knows is the funny guy we'd get together with to play cards or whatnot. He doesn't know what it was like to be told your PTSD isn't real, he doesn't know what it was like to never be backed up or supported. All he knows is that the guy didn't beat me like my abuser did - sure, that's a nice trait but it doesn't mean the guy was right for me. My brother wasn't interested in meeting New Guy, which hurt me a lot because A) New Guy did nothing to my brother to make him not want to meet him and B) I'm much happier now that I'm in a satisfying relationship (vs the non-supportive one) and I would think that my brother would want to meet the man who has a lot to do with that happiness! My parents have met New Guy and they just adore him.

Just today New Guy asked when I was planning on talking to my brother again to work things out, and I started crying (very rare for me) because it's so upsetting to me that my brother and I are not close. I don't know how to not be close to my brother. New Guy wants to get in contact with my brother and try to 'fix' this but I don't want my brother taking it the wrong way.

Is it worth pursuing a relationship with my brother if he's not going to accept/welcome New Guy?

 

[The Albatross]

I'd think so, eventually. It helps that your parents have met New Guy. I think you put it well when you said, "All he knows is the funny guy we'd get together with to play cards or whatnot. He doesn't know what it was like to be told your PTSD isn't real, he doesn't know what it was like to never be backed up or supported. All he knows is that the guy didn't beat me like my abuser did - sure, that's a nice trait but it doesn't mean the guy was right for me."

I think I'd ask my brother if it was due to their friendship that the invites stopped? Or if he was concerned about the potential for drama or something. Probably in an email or directly by phone... make sure you're in the right headspace to listen to his reply then you'll have a bit more understanding of his position?

 

[Justmehere]

My brother stopped inviting me to family events, in favor of the guy I dated for 6 years because my brother doesn't think I should have broken up with the guy!

Is your bother ultra-controlling in other ways? Or is it just this (big) one thing?

it's so upsetting to me that my brother and I are not close.

Can you and him spend time together beginning to rebuild closeness, just you and him, independent of who you are dating?

 

[Deleted member 541]

If your brother can’t understand why and he thinks that you’d be better off with the guy that is his BFF now.... Nope, I wouldn’t go there. I’d let your brother come to you if he wanted a relationship with you.

 

[Gamera3000]

Your brother is just plain wrong in this. He's got a bromance with your ex- good for him. What does that have to do with you? Yeah I would let your new guy call your brother and offer to hang out with him. Maybe if he gets to know the new guy and that he is nice, he will realize that he's wrong and start hanging out with you again.

I started dating my husband when we were both 17. His little brother and sister were 13 and 11 then, so I kind of think of my little sister and brother in law as my own siblings, since we kind of all grew up together. My husband and I are now 40 and the younger ones are in their mid 30s. My little brother in law's second marriage was to a girl I really liked. She and I started hanging out together outside of family events and she became one of my good friends. Then she cheated on him (didn't tell me about it, thank goodness) and they divorced. I am not "friends" with my little brother in law, but he is my family. I stopped talking to my friend because it would have bothered him if I was still friends with her. Since they did not stay on good terms, it would have been wrong for me to support her. I can't stand his new wife, but I support her because he loves her.

It's really not hard to see what one has to do in these situations. I think your brother is being pretty childish. He'll see that and come around though.

 

[Friday]

Pure black & white // on paper for a moment :

Brother/BestFriend of decades vs. Someone you met 6mo ago.

Should you kick your brother to the curb? Really??? :O_o:

...

Okay let's go a little more in depth for a moment. Step1 Reverse it. Are you obligated to like all of your brothers girlfriends? Hell no. So if he starts dating a chick you don't like, or doesn't even like the idea of because of your own issues (pick a really legit one, something you would get emotionally wrapped up in and really have to push yourself to deal with, but that would take some time), after 6 months with her should he just stop pursuing a relationship with you? Sounds a little WTFO, right?

I get that you're hurt, you're angry, & you're in love.

And I'm reeeeeally not casting any kind of judgement on NewBoy, or your relationship. You could be celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary still as madly in love with him as you are today (he could be that level of perfect for you), or break up next week (or not), and I'd be saying the same thing here at the 6months into a new relationship. This is your brother. (That word has different meanings to different people, I'm not saying an accident of birth should determine your relationship woth him, just going off of your own description of your relationship with him.)

Siblings who are Best Friends & Old Married Couples? Fight like cats and dogs. You still love the snot out of them. Even when you're fighting. Hell, that's more than half the reason why most fights happen. You're fighting right now. You want him to give up his best friend and he wants you to give up your boyfriend.

You're both wrong.

Work it out.

 

[Supervixn]

Your brother is just plain wrong in this. He's got a bromance with your ex- good for him. What does that have to do with you?

EXACTLY!

 

[Blue Survivor]

Is your bother ultra-controlling in other ways? Or is it just this (big) one thing?

Can you and him...

He is jerky in other ways...he lived with me & my ex-bf for six or nine months when he lost his job & apartment; we helped him find a job and new place and he never once said thank you, he never paid any money towards rent etc. Once he borrowed money from me and I had to remind him for 5 years to repay it.

Pure black & white // on paper for a moment :

Brother/BestFriend of decades vs. Someone you met 6mo ago...

I am not wrong here - whom I date is MY decision, not my brother's decision. The fact that he is intentionally excluding me from family events and parties is childish, selfish and hurtful.

EXACTLY!

Normally - it would have nothing to do with me. However when my own brother is NOT inviting me to things IN FAVOR OF MY EX-BF (who was not at all supportive to me) - I feel that's messed up. I don't give a crap who my brother is friends with, just as he should not care who I'm dating. He cannot rightfully not invite me to things in order to invite my ex.

 

[anonymous]

Yeah. I totally get this. Posting as anonymous even though I rarely do....

My boyfriend's ex treats him like shit. The ex has also treated his kids like shit (ghosted them.....knew them for almost a decade, since they were young kids.....but ghosted them completely when my boyfriend filed for divorce when he found out she was cheating on him....who does that?!?!....I mean ghosting your step kids!) Now the ex is texting his mom and they are having lunch together soon. My ex has never advocated to his mom that he wants her to kick his ex out of her life. He didn't want to be vindictive. Understandable. As soon as my boyfriend mentioned this lunch date, my radar went up. Something is amiss. I raised my concerns that something is up.....he agreed it was odd, but had a feeling his mom wanted closure with her former daughter in law. Ok, I'll give her that. My boyfriend also said if his ex is indeed seeking out a friendship with his mom, he would express his concerns to his mom. I don't think things would continue on, but if they did, I would be VERY uncomfortable and would feel like I wasn't welcome in their family. It would create an odd family dynamic if the ex was loved and adored and invited to family functions......well my guy would hate it and it would make me feel incredibly awkward. Yes your brother can be friends with whomever he wants but YOU are family and it's not cool to be inviting your ex to family functions but not you. This is immature behavior on his part and it's none of your brothers business who you choose as a partner. None whatsoever. I personally would just speak my part and then back off.

 

[Friday]

I am not wrong here - whom I date is MY decision, not my brother's decision

That's where I said HE was wrong.

Where I said you were wrong was deciding whom he can be friends with.

You're both doing the exact same thing to each other.

 

[Gamera3000]

@Blue Survivor Have there been any updates? Has your current guy tried to talk to your brother or vice versa?

I was also thinking that an even worse situation could happen if your current boyfriend DID make friends with your brother. What if ALL THREE of them became friends and started hanging out together? You'd come home one day and they'd be in your living room watching TV and eating your food. Yikes!

 

[Richard Gillchrist]

He's your brother.
You have a relationship with him, like it or not, the question is, is it a healthy one?
If your brother is so enamoured of the guy you used to date, maybe he should date him.

With the new guy, I hope it works out well. There are few women who are prepared to give 'nice guys' a chance and I've even read advice on the internet telling guys how to be "an asshole so women will find you attractive".
It comes down to what you are looking for in the relationship, I suppose. Acceptance from others? well, then you should go with the guy who embodies the qualities society associates with "success" - that is to say the one best adapted to surviving in a profoundly sick society,
or do you want someone who will offer you love and support?

Being a brother to someone, I can say that if you can't accept that your sister can decide who she wants to be with then there are quite big problems in your family. You might not always approve, but you do need to accept that it is not our place to say who your sister can and can't sleep with, date, fall in love with or marry.