Is my subconscious telling me I'm not looking at things it's showing me?

Lilac98

Policy Enforcement
I often have nightmares now about random people raping or assaulting me, sometimes it's my abuser assaulting me but it's never him raping me. I had an assault/near rape by random guy on Saturday night and on Sunday night I had a nightmare where I was told I wasn't abused but given pictures of me and grandad that were 'slightly inappropriate' I was too scared to look at them and felt sick then the dream ended. It's like my own subconscious is being like I keep showing you things but you don't want to look at it. I don't know if that's what my brain is actually doing though. Has anyone else had this? What do you think about it? I wasn't even thinking about past nightmares recently cause I was trying to learn Japanese.
 

Roland

Confident
I feel like it's leaning more towards it did happen
You'll figure it out. The process for me took a long time, since the majority of the abuse I experienced I was ages 3-6, it was really hard putting things together. But you'll know as you work through it. Your triggers are a major signal, things that make you uncomfortable, and then you start to think why and start to remember. It's hard. Are you in therapy? Have you been diagnosed with PTSD?
 

Lilac98

Policy Enforcement
You'll figure it out. The process for me took a long time, since the majority of the abuse I experienced I was ages 3-6, it was really hard putting things together. But you'll know as you work through it. Your triggers are a major signal, things that make you uncomfortable, and then you start to think why and start to remember. It's hard. Are you in therapy? Have you been diagnosed with PTSD?
I've had counselling before I don't have a PTSD diagnosis. I believe the flashback was real and I must have at least been assaulted cause he didn't held me down for nothing.
 

Lilac98

Policy Enforcement
I don't get why my brain won't just let me know what actually happened rather than giving me rape nightmares. @Roland i don't know if this is too personal to ask but when you realised you were abused when you were younger did you have actual clear memories of it eventually or did you just have to piece things together like I'm doing now and come to a conclusion on what you think happened. Like I had the being held down flashback and I don't remember it but I still believe it happened I know this person abused me when I was older and on one of those occasions held my arms down and wouldn't let go of me he also did this in a restaurant so he was prepared to take the risk of being caught. I've had physical feelings down there which I believe to be body memories from child me. And I had nightmares as a child of poles trapping me to a bed and worrying some unseen bad person would get me, then wetting myself and having what I now understand was an orgasm and a past counsellor said that's not a normal dream for a little girl to have but I never asked why and she never said.
 

Roland

Confident
I don't get why my brain won't just let me know what actually happened rather than giving me rape nightmares. @Roland i don't know if this is too personal to ask but when you realised you were abused when you were younger did you have actual clear memories of it eventually or did you just have to piece things together like I'm doing now and come to a conclusion on what you think happened. Like I had the being held down flashback and I don't remember it but I still believe it happened I know this person abused me when I was older and on one of those occasions held my arms down and wouldn't let go of me he also did this in a restaurant so he was prepared to take the risk of being caught. I've had physical feelings down there which I believe to be body memories from child me. And I had nightmares as a child of poles trapping me to a bed and worrying some unseen bad person would get me, then wetting myself and having what I now understand was an orgasm and a past counsellor said that's not a normal dream for a little girl to have but I never asked why and she never said.
Yes, I had to piece things together. Some were memories, some were flashbacks, some were connecting my triggers to memories, or realizing I had strange triggers that invoked feelings. I was diagnosed with PTSD, and still don't remember everything. It's hard to really know what **actually** happened, but tbh it doesn't matter the details.
 

Lilac98

Policy Enforcement
Yes, I had to piece things together. Some were memories, some were flashbacks, some were connecting my triggers to memories, or realizing I had strange triggers that invoked feelings. I was diagnosed with PTSD, and still don't remember everything. It's hard to really know what **actually** happened, but tbh it doesn't matter the details.
The only trigger I've ever been aware of was my autism worker getting on the floor behind me when she was having a go at me whilst I was sitting on the floor it reminded me of a rape nightmare I felt unsafe and nearly self harmed later that day.
 

Sideways

Moderator
Has anyone else had this? What do you think about it?
Had nightmares that had shades of reality but were mostly fiction? Sure.

I've had nightmares that were very close to reality, nightmares that were nothing like reality, and everything in between.

My own personal experience of trying to understand nightmares is - beyond a very vague reflection of how I'm travelling (sometimes, but not always, they get worse when I'm stressed), there's not much I can learn from them. And trying to understand them is a bit like interpreting horoscopes - if you go down that path? You're likely to take out of it what you choose to take out of it, rather than anything that is objectively correct. They aren't, for me, evidence of anything.

Extrapolating theories of what may have been done to me based on the content of my nightmares? Nup. I wouldn't. Got enough to deal with, without adding to my problems unnecessarily.
 

Lilac98

Policy Enforcement
So say for a minute none of my rape had anything to with things that actually happened. Why was I then triggered by autism worker cause she came up to me on the floor kind of behind me getting near me and pointing and shouting at me and reminded me of a person in one of my nightmares??? I've never known anyone get triggered by a nightmare unless maybe they knew it definitely happened which I don't and still didn't when the bad day with my autism support worker happened.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
Why was I then triggered by autism worker cause she came up to me on the floor kind of behind me getting near me and pointing and shouting at me and reminded me of a person in one of my nightmares???
Honestly, anyone would get upset in a situation like this. You say you were triggered, but I think you may be describing a stressor, not a trigger...in any case - you can take this or leave it: dreams are highly unreliable sources of information. I wouldn't recommend putting too much stock in dream events or how you are then affected in your waking life by those dreams.

You believe you were abused, but you can't recall the abuse. I'm wondering what would happen if you put aside trying to dig out these memories, and instead focus more on what is happening in your day-to-day life that you are struggling with?
 

Lilac98

Policy Enforcement
Honestly, anyone would get upset in a situation like this. You say you were triggered, but I think you may be describing a stressor, not a trigger...in any case - you can take this or leave it: dreams are highly unreliable sources of information. I wouldn't recommend putting too much stock in dream events or how you are then affected in your waking life by those dreams.

You believe you were abused, but you can't recall the abuse. I'm wondering what would happen if you put aside trying to dig out these memories, and instead focus more on what is happening in your day-to-day life that you are struggling with?
I do remember two incidents from when he came out of prison actually.
 

JadeB.

MyPTSD Pro
@Lilac98

I'm not saying you were not abused nor am I invalidating any of your concerns,I just wanted to throw that out there before continuing....

You said your sisters were abused and your Granddad went to prison for it. Even if you were not abused,that in itself is pretty traumatic. And it's even possible you witnessed some of that abuse,which could be a reason for your nightmares.
 
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