Is My Trauma "real Enough"?

[idontknow]

(note: i use quotation marks here to designate judgements that i apply only to myself. i don't think that anyone else's trauma or symptoms aren't "real enough".)
so, here's the thing: i've been told that i probably have complex ptsd by two mental health professionals on two separate occasions. however, i have trouble letting myself believe this, as i am convinced that whatever trauma i experienced when i was a child was not "real enough" to have caused ptsd, and that by accepting this diagnosis i would be giving into the urge to unfairly victimize myself. sure, i have a number of symptoms of complex ptsd-- including pervasive self-loathing, abandonment issues, dissociation, identity disturbance, some hypervigilance issues, etc etc-- but those don't feel "legitimate" to me. i don't have "real symptoms", like nightmares or flashbacks, so i believe that i am not really traumatized. also, i have a number of other diagnosed mental health problems (ocd, adhd, gad, mdd) so whatever "trauma symptoms" i do experience may be products of any of those, though the professionals who suggested that i might have c-ptsd insist that they aren't.

i should probably explain what the "trauma" i experienced entailed. the thing is, i don't remember most of it very well or even at all, and what i do remember is hazy and artificial-feeling. i have trouble believing any of thse memories. here's some stuff i do remember, though:
-my mother used to lash out verbally at me and my father, sometimes for very minor slights. she also abused my father physically, often in front of me
-when we confronted her about her behavior she would gaslight us, flat-out denying that she had said or done anything, blame us for the conflict, and/or guilt-trip us
-her moods were very erratic; i never knew how she would react to anything i or my father did
-she was very controlling. this is a vague statement but i dont know how to elabrate on it because my brain is shutting down. i have a lot of trouble talking about this stuff without getting confused or feeling like i'm making everything up.
-she called me a "pig" and a "b*tch" at least once. i don't know what for
-i punched her in the face one time because something she was saying or doing put me in a fight-or-flight state. maybe i'm just a bad, violent person and she didn't do anything wrong. i dont know
-she played mind games with us. again i dont know how to elaborate upon this becuase im stupid
-she spied on me by reading my . wait i dont know if this is real never mind. ill just say that she invaded my privacy a lot to the point where i have paranoia about people reading my stuff. i might just be paranoid because of anxiety though
-one of the only concrete pieces of "evidence" of my "trauma" is this: i remember being in the car with her and my father, with her driving on the highway at a high speed. my father and i were arguing, i think, either with each other or with her or?? i dont know. anyway, at some point she started screaming that if we didn't shut up, she would drive off the road. at the time, i interpreted this as a murder-suicide threat. years later, i confronted her about the incident, and she claimed that she had meant that we were distracting her from driving and that she was worried she'd crash if she couldn't concentrate. my therapist thinks that my original reaction might be a sign of how unsafe i felt around my mom, and how scared i was of her. i don't know what to make of this.
-theres probably otehr stuff i should mention, but i dont have the energy for that

all of this lasted from when i was very very young to when i was 16??? i think??? maybe two-ish years ago. a few recent events, including a messy divorce between her and my father, inspired sudden, drastic changes in my mother's personality and behavior, and she is, for the most part, benign now. i have trouble believing that this new version of my mother could ever have been that "abusive" in the first place.

anyway, i'm going to stop now because this is stupidly long, poorly written, and mostly incomprehensible. sorry. if you managed to make it this far, feedback would be appreciated, but i wouldn't fault you if you didn't provide it. thanks for reading.

 

[Glo809]

(note: i use quotation marks here to designate judgements that i apply only to myself. i don't thi...

Greetings

Are we related?

Your posting is very familiar to me.

G

 

[joeylittle]

i've been told that i probably have complex PTSD by two mental health professionals on two separate occasions.

Did these people give you any other diagnoses/were they qualified to be diagnosing?

You don't have an obvious example of a criterion A trauma (this article here: Post-Traumatic Stress DIsorder, will give you a good overview on the disorder and what a 'qualifying trauma' is), but you also indicate that you are leaving things out of your history.

Having grown up in such an unstable environment could have contributed to any number of mental health issues. I would think that the most useful thing would be to find a therapist you feel good about, and start talking/working on the symptoms that are affecting you in your daily life. This will almost certainly lead to needing to work on some core identity issues that are going to be tied to childhood.

I often think, that if a person has to stretch to understand how their trauma fits into criterion A, then it's likely that it doesn't. That's not to be confused with people who experienced direct violence, imminent death, or sexual assault, and minimize it - that's a different problem. But on the surface of it, the time you describe in the car as being afraid your mother was going to crash the car - I would not automatically analyze that as fitting within criterion A.

Then again, I'm not a qualified diagnostician :) - which is why you'd really need to see someone in person who could take a thorough interview and give you a firm diagnosis.

And none of this changes the fact that you're suffering with some symptoms that need relieving - no matter what the cause may be, according to the DSM.

 

[aut555]

So sorry to hear this. How could she raise you so harshly and uncaring. Of course you are walking this path of trying to move on to a healthy existance but dragging through all the abuse is overwhelming. You have to go slowly. You need to read up on abuse, as this will give you recognition of tactics used on you so that you can step back a bit and understand how she created your helplessness and uncertainties re: everything that should have represented security and love to a young child. Just putting one foot in front of the other, everyday, until you are able to understand how she emotionally cut you off of normal development. But you are doing this, by coming here and talking this through, you are starting the path of healing, Very proud of you. Keep moving forward.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I see this a lot. Is my trauma enough. I honestly dont think it matters if its enough for PTSD. Its enough to cause you to suffer thus a therapist would be in order. They will help with any diagnosis.

I faught my PTSD diagnosis. I thought my past couldnt be "as bad as war". But in the end, the symptoms is what matters, not the diagnosis. Most times I dont know which diagnosis im working on.

PTSD doesnt define suffering.

ETA: Or I guess I should say no PTSD doesnt mean no suffering.

 

[idontknow]

Did these people give you any other diagnoses/were they qualified to be diagnosing?

You don't have...

1. i was diagnosed by both my psychiatrist and my therapist. they are both well-reputed and qualified mental health professionals. nevertheless, i don't believe them.
2. yes, i left things out because i dont remember them well enough to explain them, but i highly doubt that they matter.
3. my verdict is that i don't have any sort of "trauma" at all, let alone ptsd, that i somehow tricked my therapist and psychiatrist into diagnosing me, and that i'm just unfairly victimizing myself and crucifying my mother. i probably just want to feel like i was wronged in some way because i'm suicidal and i loathe myself and i need someone to blame. i'm not allowed to think about any of this anymore.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

i'm not allowed to think about any of this anymore.

Not allowed? Why? Whom would be not allowing you to talk about it?

 

[Suzetig]

You may or may not have PTSD, like @joeylittle i don't see a qualifying trauma in your descriptions of your childhood but yes, your experience would throw anyone off kilter emotionally. Try not to worry about what diagnosis you're given - in the States it's necessary to justify the need for therapy for insurance purposes. Instead, think about how you feel and how it impacts you, there will come a point where it doesn't matter where it came from more that you experience relief from the feelings you're having.