Is Planning Ok?

[RewindLife]

A lot of the time I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up, I've felt Iike that for years on and off but realistically do I want to die and leave my loved ones? No. Do I want to die and be free of the myself? Yes. It's a general feeling that hovers but when I get really emotional it hits me so hard and I can't see any other option but to do it.

I feel so trapped and hopeless and in my mind I'm fighting with myself to just be strong and do it. All I want is the strength to do it and the only thing stopping me is the thought of my kids. I know they will be better off without me but I picture them asking for me and that hurts, I think about the hurt I will cause them and that hurts so much. I know I'm being selfish by wanting to leave them but I feel selfish for subjecting them and my husband to my miserable presence.

Over the years I've always hovered between the two things...wanted to die but not actually considering planning it and hitting the point where I'm freaking out telling myself to hurry and just do it. Recently I've spent a lot of time when not it the 'freaking out' mode thinking about how I want to do it and researching it. It worries me that it's consuming so much of my time thinking about it and that I'm planning it. I keep telling myself to stop reading about it because Its like I'm just preparing myself for when I hit that bad moment and do it. I think that as long as I think about my kids that I will win that battle at the time and never actually go through with it so I do let myself look at things even though I feel like I shouldn't. It's so confusing I don't know what I want and why I'm doing this.

A huge thing for me is my kids knowing I love them and I plan to write them emails (we have emails set up for each child where we email pictures and memories) when I hit my freaking out stage I think about the fact I haven't written them my final emails yet to say I love them and I have that fight of saying I doesn't matter but then it does and in that moment it helps me to plan to write them and do it after. I spend a lot of time when I'm calm thinking about writing the emails. I'm so scared I'll get carried away and do something without ever having wrote them but then if I wrote them I think I'm making it easier for myself to do it when the bad times hit.

I'm so confused. I think maybe the fact I haven't attempted anything yet means I will never actually have the strength to do it and I'll always just hover on that edge but come back from it.

I'm sorry this probably doesn't even make any sense but I'm so confused I'm hoping someone can help me work out this feeling of being torn between planning and not planning.

I have just started therapy over the Internet on voice calls and I can't go into this detail because the therapist was hesitant about whether online therapy was suitable for me or not. If I tell him he might suggest I have to see someone in person and I could never do that I'm too scared.

 

[Sweet_E]

A lot of the time I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up, I've felt Iike that for years...

Is planning okay? I don't know if it is a matter of okay or not okay. The fact is: This is where you are right now. I too, know that feeling of wanting to die. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I do know that for me that the feeling was temporary and I'm so glad I held on for hope.

I found this suicide prevention info online for the UK. I'm in the US so I'm not sure how it works but here it is: Please give them a call. They may have some free or inexpensive resources for counseling or something. I may have more to write but I want to post this hotline info first.

Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK - local rate)
Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 (UK minicom)
Hotline: 1850 60 90 90 (ROI - local rate)
Hotline: 1850 60 90 91 (ROI minicom)
samaritans.org
E-mail Helpline: [email protected]
24 Hour service:

 

[Sweet_E]

The fact remains that you yourself say that a part of you wants to live. It's not that you really want to end your life - you want to escape the pain. I totally get that. I wish there was an easy way to just make the pain go away but unfortunately we need to ride it out. There is hope. I got better and I believe you can too.

Another thought is this: Are you experiencing an emotional flashback? Something that I discovered with myself is that when I have an emotional flashback due to childhood trauma I go to a very dark place. It really helped me to recognize it was a flashback. It helped made sense of the feelings. Of course I would feel this way if my body thinks I'm back in that horrific circumstance I was in as a child. The fact is that the flashback and the dark feelings are an illusion. It's temporary. This thoughts and feelings are not who I am, they are temporary.

Please get help and know that even though I do not know you that you are loved and you are of such much value on this earth. There is hope. You are brave for being honest about where you are in your journey. Not everyone can do that. Something that has helped me is to do this: Lay on the ground in a place where you wont be heard and just cry and scream it all out. Tell God or the universe that you can't take this shit anymore! Get it out and release it. When I've done this form of surrender, I've turned a corner - something positive would come my way or I'd get an inspiration that would help my healing.

This dark place is not the real you.

 

[Binkie]

The vast majority of people who end their lives don't want to die - they just want the pain to stop. We know that from people who've made serious attempts at ending their lives and later regretted their actions.

Please get help!

Fist post of call is your GP. You can also contact Samaritans on 116 123 (the phone number Sweet_E gave is the old one) or email them on the above email address. You can also call one of the numbers below. I can't post the link but the list is taken from Suicide Prevention UK's Facebook page on their 'notes' section:

If you are at immediate risk of suicide please either go to your nearest A&E or call 999 and ask for an ambulance. They are for medical emergencies and serious contemplation of suicide IS a medical emergency. If you don’t know what sort of help you need, call the NHS Helpline on 111 for advice on where to get help and what type of help is available in your local area.
Samaritans - 116 123 (24-hour helpline) FREE to call from UK/ROI landlines OR mobiles and will not show up on phone bills
Sane - 0300 304 7000 (4.30pm – 10.30pm daily)
Mind – 0300 123 3393 (weekdays 9am – 6pm)
YoungMind - 0808 802 5544 0808 802 5544 (for parents)
HOPELineUK 0800 068 41 41, text: 07786 209697
C.A.L.L Mental Health Helpline for WALES - 0800 132 737 or text ‘help’ to 81066
SignHealth - 01925 652520 01925 652520 or Contact (deaf peosle)
PAPYRUS - 0800 068 4141 (suicide prevention)
NSPCC – 0808 800 5000 (24 hour helpline for adults worried about a child)
ChildLine 0800 1111 (24 hour helpline for children)
The Silver Line - 0800 4 70 80 90 (helpline for older people)
Refuge - 0808 2000 247 (domestic violence)
Combat Stress for UK Armed Forces Veterans - 0800 138 1619 (free to call and open 24 hours)
Drinkline 0300 123 1110 (weekdays 9am – 8pm, weekends 11am – 4pm)
Narcotics Anonymous - 0300 999 1212 (10am – midnight)
Gamblers Anonymous - 020 7384 3040 (London), 0161 976 5000 (Manchester), 0114 262 0026 (Sheffield), 0121 233 1335 (Birmingham), 0287 135 1329 (Ulster)
Alzheimer's / Dementia helpline – 0300 222 1122
Cruse Bereavement Care – 0808 808 1677
Rape Crisis – FREEPHONE 0808 802 9999 (12 – 2.30pm and 7 – 9.30pm)
Rethink Mental Illness – 0300 5000 927
B-eat (eating disorders) – 0808 801 0677 / B-eat Youthline - 0808 801 0711 (FREE to call, 365 days a year, 4pm - 10pm)
Learning disabilities - Mencap - 0808 808 1111
Anxiety UK - 08444 775 774 (Mon-Fri 9:30am - 5.30pm)
Parentline Plus - 0808 800 2222
Child Bereavement UK - 0800 02 888 40
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) Helpline for Men - 0800 58 58 58 (London 0808 802 58 58)
Relate (relationship counselling) - 0300 100 1234

 

[Justmehere]

You are in pain and looking for relief. There have been times I used to carry around with me a written plan to die, because it gave me a little reassurance I could escape at any time.

In retrospect, I wish I would have never done that. The more I did it, the easier it became to go there. It's like learning any new thing - the more we practice or plan for something, the easier it gets for our brain to go there under stress. And the easier it gets to go to planning suicide, and the less our brains notice healthy and safe ways out.

I was doing the best I could with what I had, and I believe you are too.

The letters for your kids seem to be a big wall for you to actually attempting to take your own life and your panic you haven't written them shows you love your kids and you don't want to hurt them. Don't write those letters, don't make it easier to end it all in a moment of stress and panic. Losing you would devastate them for the rest of their lives. They need you alive. I have a friend who look his own life, left letters for his kids, and years later they still struggle very deeply with his being gone. Both of them have spent years in therapy themselves trying to work through the pain of the loss of their father. It just doesn't go away.

I have just started therapy over the Internet on voice calls and I can't go into this detail because the therapist was hesitant about whether online therapy was suitable for me or not. If I tell him he might suggest I have to see someone in person and I could never do that I'm too scared.

If you tell him and he reffers you to someone else, that is because he wants to help you find relief from the pain your are in. There are other online therapists who may be a better fit and more able to help you find relief more quickly.

In the US, therapists will not generally compel a client to get in person help immediately unless someone is unable to "safety plan" - i.e. agree to a plan the therapist helps them come up with to be safe until the next therapy session.

I agree with the other posters about contacting one of the hotlines. Therapy is scary, even online, but it's also a way through this. I'm so glad you are reaching out. :hug:

 

[digger]

@RightTheWrongs - we have a no suicidal posting policy as MyPTSD is not a crisis service, and posts that point directly to suicidal intent will be edited. I have edited your post accordingly but please know that we understand that suicidal ideation is a very real part of PTSD and allow our members to post their struggles and fears freely. Suicidal ideation is acceptable; suicidal posting is not.

The majority of your post seems very much in the realms of strong ideation which is something many of us here (myself included) struggle with. It is good to have a place where you can openly talk these things through with others who get it, but if you feel that you are at risk of acting on your thoughts then you really need to reach out in the 'real' world to those who can better support you through that. There have been some good links shared above.

 

[digger]

. I know they will be better off without me

Depression lies to us, and this is one of the big ones it likes to tell - that people would be better of without us.

The fact is that suicide f*cks things up for everyone it touches. The thing that gets me through most often is the line that says suicide is not an end to pain, it is pain passed on. I don't know where I heard it first, but it's the one that's kept me alive most often. There are enough personal accounts here of people whose lives have been devastated by the effects of suicide to see that there is truth in that.
I don't say this to make you feel guilty, just as another perspective to arm yourself with.

I understand your fears around getting face to face help, I really do, but I would suggest using your children as your motivation to try every other thing you possibly can first.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I can imagine how you feel because I've been through it. Both my brother and I had PTSD, and he came to live with me when he was 50. He died a year later from suicide, and up to that point I had seriously tried several times. When he died, there was no more chance to save him. There were no more chances for him to heal. There were no more times we could talk, or do things, or even walk our dogs together. It was over and I couldn't go back and change anything. Nothing was left. I still struggle to this day about what I could have done. Am I suicidal anymore? NO. When I get suicidal thoughts, I know they are thoughts. They will pass like other thoughts. They are painful, but they will pass. There is still a chance for me to heal, and I have. There is still time to enjoy my child, and my mom, and life itself. I have found many wonderful things in the world, and even though I keep my world small, I can love and be loved, and I can enjoy my gardens that I started years ago, my house pets, and my chickens. I hope you can get past this point and start seeing the good again.

 

[Keming]

A lot of the time I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up, I've felt Iike that for years...

hey. Congrats on starting therapy. It's a big step. The forum is a good place to talk/vent about it, as needed or desired.

Echo of above posts: help-seek-find. So many good contacts.

Re: planning. There's a positive, but it's in the method, not the desired outcome.

When you're miserable, you're trying to engage that misery and seek solutions. You acknowledge that you want to be less miserable. And you've recognized that certain solutions would hurt your family. So :tup: for engaging, and :tup: for wanting to put misery aside, and :tup: for thinking about your family. That's :tup::tup::tup: for you.

Now, time to consider positive/constructive outcomes instead of destructive outcomes.

Suggestion: plan in the other direction. Make a plan to feel less miserable for about... say, 15 minutes. Kitten video? Book? Chocolate? My go-to is coffee (cough: icecream) and Simons Cat. But the trick is to actually Write It Down, and then Do the Thing. "i am going to eat ice cream while watching cat videos." i usually only manage about once a week (normally i use really good coffee, the ice cream habit got expensive and... tire-ing), but... that's once a week more than i used to.

Glad you're here :tup:

 

[RewindLife]

Thank you all for your replies and advice. I am really sorry if I upset or offended any of you with my post, I will be sure to take more care in future not to break the rules. Thank you all x