General Is Ptsd To Blame?

[zenmaster]

Hi,

I am completely new here, but I am hoping that someone might be able to help with their advice.

My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for the last 4 or so. We recently went through 3 of the hardest years of our collective lives due to some serious stresses that have been ongoing. We spent over a year attempting to have children, and finally found out that we were unable to naturally. We then went through two courses of IVF, losing a baby (very early) in the first round, and being successful in the second round. We now have twin girls who were born last year. The girls were born 9 weeks early and were hospitalized for about the same amount of time. One of them was very tiny (0.97kg), and continues to be a very small girl. The firstr year of their lives has also been fraught as the smaller of the two has had serious feeding problems, which has piled on further stress. We were also very concerned that she might have physical/mental development issues...however, this nightmare does not seem to have materialized.

My relationship with my wife has grown very difficult since the babies have come, and the stress has been unberable at times for her. She surrers from depression, suicidal thoughts, bouts of insomnia and irritablility to name a few...I myself also went through a long period of intrusive thoughts, and a sense of overwhealming dread on occasion both of which seem to be receding a bit now, thankfully.

I have a terrible fear that we are not providing a happy home for a our beautiful daughters, and I want to make their lives perfect....but I am not sure what to do. My wife and I are often battling, and while I am sure that I am to blame for a large number of issues, I feel that her irrationality and anxiety are putting our marriage at risk. She often verbally lashes out at me and the girls (althought they are not able to understand language yet). I love her dearly, and I just want to help her get back to a stable state, but I am not sure what to do. She and I are fairly averse to medication as a solution as we have seen and heard meny horror stories (some first-hand) where medication was to blame...

Anyway, I know this is a bit of a ramble, but it has been a tough night, and I feel like I am living on a rollercoaster of emotion that I cannot get off of...all driven by my wife's stress and anxiety about the past and future. I want to help her as it hurts to see her in such pain, but none of my rational explanations or talking seem to help her...they actually seem to cause more damage, as I feel completely different to her in many ways.

I do know that our situation is not as serious as many others on here, but I hope that some of your experiences in caring for someone with PTSD (I assume that is what we are experiencing) would come in handy in bringing a sense of balance back to our lives.

Thanks very much for listening...Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Welcome Zenmaster!

I hope that the two of you are in counseling, together! It's very important to be able to get as much of a support team together as possible for you and your family. It would be tragic for the both of you to lose each other.

I can point out personally, as an often frightened, stressed, anxious, traumatized woman that as difficult as it is, I don't think that offering rational explanations to counter your wife's fears and distress are going to help too much right now.

Often certain people will retreat under stress to their intellect, as opposed to their emotions. Not a bad thing, but if you're trying to reach someone who is flooded by her emotions, then neither of you will be speaking the same language. Rational in those cases, if you're the one trying to reach out, doesn't work in the moment. You need to synchronize more with her, responding on a heart level, rather than a head level.

Maternal instincts are incredibly strong. That's a good thing, since our race might not have survived without these powerful drives. In your case, your babies have been threatened, and the sabertooth tiger is still salivating to take one of your babies. That blows women apart! The health stresses, the intense hormonal shifts from the injections to pregnancy, to delivery and a near-tragic ending could amplify the normal hormonal shifts out of the ballpark. Your wife isn't weak, deficient, wrong for feeling any of these things, as you are not wrong by trying to take on the rational role. Your wife is frightened, angry (that is what suicidal feelings are all about, anger turned inward).

A wonderful Dr. who specialized in suicide prevention said "Eros is far stronger than Thantos." (i.e. Love is far more powerful than death.)

Your wife and babies need you to learn and speak powerfully the healing language of love, from the heart, [not the head, and way not necessarily from the gonads (if you catch my drift)].

This can be very frightening to someone who focuses on the rational. To speak the language of the heart, to open oneself to the very pain and fear of another, can be very frightening; and also very healing and beautiful.
Becoming genuinely present to your wife and babies on an empathic level you've not reached before, will bring great healing and comfort. Be love, comfort, protection...

If your wife and babies feel as if any danger has to pass through you first to get to them, that they know you love and are protecting and defending them, the high levels of helplessness and fear will drop. This requires the language, and illustration by doing, from the heart.

It would be practical and ideal to ask a very good therapist, or several, into your lives to help you weather this and come out together stronger and more powerfully bonded in love than before.
---
I'm not a big fan of meds myself. I don't do well on them, but sometimes they can help even in the short-term to help reset the fear and alarm levels back down; in conjunction with therapy and "Eros". Medication can save lives.

This is the longest welcome I've ever posted, but my heart goes out to you and your family so deeply... What you say is resonating in my heart, and I hope great good comes to you and your wife, and your babies!

Please keep posting, the people are wonderful here.
With deep caring and concern,
deer

 

[Tinyflame]

deer_in_headlights
I believe that you are absolutely correct.

Much healing to you and your wife zenmaster

 

[Iam]

Welcome to the forum Zenmaster ;o) Deer has shared very good information. I echo her encouragement that you and your wife find a good therapist. What you have been and are going thru would be stressful for any couple. The more support and guidance you have the better. This really is an opportunity for you to grow and become a stronger couple.

As far as your wife (and possibly even you) having PTSD, it is quite possible, but nobody here can diagnose that for you. If it is PTSD, the sooner your wife gets into therapy the better. Please don't compare what you have been thru to anybody else's trauma. Yours has been devastating and that is what is important.

Welcome to the forum again :)

 

[amethist]

Hi Zenmaster

While PTSD is possible, has anyone mentioned Postnatal Depression to you or your wife. If not, this is one thing you could mention to your doctor or health visitor, baby's care nurse, which ever is relevant. As this is something that can be cured, I myself suffered badly from this for quite a while, without knowing about it, it will be worth checking this to begin with.

If you can mention this quietly, they should pick up on it and do something, just mention some of your smaller concerns, with out going over board.

If severe enough Postnatal Depression can cause all sort of issues to arise, including intrusive thoughts, anger, anxiety, insomnia and loads of other things I have not mentioned.

If PTSD is the cause of all your wifes issues it hopefully will be picked up as PND is looked into. You can google this and find some help and answers to be going on with, tackling this from 2 sides, hopefully getting to the right diagnosis as soon as possible.

I wish you both well and hope that both your baby girls will grow into wonderful children, despite their early and troubled entry into our world.

Take care and great to hear a new dad taking hold of this and doing something about it, for all the right reasons.

Amethist

 

[PTSDT]

Welcome. This is a very good place to look around at information and receive support.

I have difficulty with most brain medications also - especially the newer ones.

I just wanted to add one thing about therapy. A lot of people who haven't experienced therapy before don't always know the differences and choices.

In the US if you go to a Psychiatrist, they will be intent upon giving you medication and barely talk to you most of the time. If you go to a Psychologist (Phd), someone with a degree in Social Work, or a therapist with a degree and/or some kind of state certification, this will be talk therapy as only MDs/Psychiatrists can prescribe medication. The different types of therapists might discuss medication (and ask if you wish to referred to a Psychiatrist) if they feel someone is expressing that they might be a physical danger to themselves or others. Otherwise, the talk therapy professionals will listen and guide you towards ways to change your behaviors for the better. I have never had a therapist try to push me into taking medication. Only MDs and Psychiatrists.

All brain changes are physiological. That is why there are so many medications and doctors like to push them because they work quickly physiologically. However, there are others ways to try to change the brain function without medication. It just takes longer....and some people actually do need medication...at least for a while. But those decisions are made by you and you want to have a physician naturopathic physician and a therapist and/or a psychiatrist who will listen to you as you make your choices.

I prefer talk therapy and I use an older anti-anxiety medication for my nightmares. I am hopeful my more intensive therapy will help me not need the medication.

I also have found some CDs using sound therapy that is supposed to help fix the hippocampus and neurotransmitters that have changed due to my trauma and the changes that occurred in my brain. When I listen to them, I feel tingling in the front of my head and I do feel they are doing something.

I hope you keep looking for answers until you find the right ones for you. And if your wife refuses to go to a therapist, you might want to go to one by yourself anyway and positive changes can still occur. This is a good place to do some research.

 

[zenmaster]

I will reply in more detail later as I am at work, however, I wanted to say a big thanks to all of you for taking the time and effort to reply so far.

You are all very kind.

 

[zenmaster]

Thanks again to everyone.

We are in the process of attempting to find a therapist, but even finding one willing to speak with us is proving a challenge (2 so far have not even bothered to respond to requests for an appointment and the other's practice was full)

It is a bit disheartening as we dont really ahve much opportunity with the kids to even get an appointment arranged....and how do you know who is good at their job and who is not?!?

We live in the UK, by the way...not sure if anyone else here is also in the UK or USA but any advice would be greatly appreciated as to how to kick off the process.

As far as mentioning PND to our health visitor: I think we would both be so scared of any repercussions we are unwilling to do so. there are a lot of scary stories out there regarding people having their children removed from their home for just trying to get help. Bizarre, isn't it.

Anyway, once again any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

 

[amethist]

Hi Zenmaster

Welcome to the nightmare world of PTSD in the UK. Nightmare is just what it is, causing a fuss and banging on doors maybe the only way you can some kind of help. Though it is sparse, it is out there when you can find it.

If I can help in anyway, send me a PM, as I may be able to help you with somethings.

Amethist