Is There A Point To Continuing Anything Therapeutic That Has No Predictable Schedule?

[Mach123]

Thank you @Mach123 . In other words in a way carry on when nothing makes sense?

Yes, carry on. Nothing makes sense but that you are trying. Keep trying no matter what. : )

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Mach123 :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking about this. I shall try my very best to concentrate on the positives. And eliminate the negative (thoughts).

And forcibly make an effort to not let my mind go to the worst, and take a deep breath, and to focus on the gratitude and amazingness of making it this far. Perhaps that's not exactly part of 'celebrating'?, but certainly should be a testimony that a lot can be possible that I never would have thought I could have gotten through, or help to do so thus far, or have been able. And all there is to be grateful for. And to not make rash decisions, especially those harmful to me (or others).

 

[Tinyflame]

I was reminded too, of something today: I heard last week it's essential to stay in the moment.

Funny thing was, I had to do an essay 2 months ago, on the Top 5 death bed regrets, and what would be my own death bed regret if I died today. And it was not being present in and to the moment fully- (so many moments :( , truth be known)- for others and myself, being happy and 'present' and not overwhelmed and overcome by the past in my mind, even if no one knew; to be 'there'; to be happy; to celebrate; to really give to others- of myself, I suppose, and be vulnerable; and enjoy them, too.

 

[blackemerald1]

Isn't this so hard to do though? I mean it's bloody miracle I have survived and yet I have a really difficult time even being a little bit grateful when I should be sobbing with gratitude. :rolleye:

Heaps of professionals who have seen lots of people who didn't survive think I was fortunate too...

I feel like I am betraying ...the universe?...for not being one happy little puppy and celebrating every single day... but no the morose, serious, unhelpful, anxious voice in my head tells me otherwise.

And to not make rash decisions, especially those harmful to me (or others).

^^This I make a conscious effort to keep at the forefront of my interactions with other people bc I don't want to do stupid things anymore. I cannot afford to and I don't want to waste the time. But I still do manage to do dumb things now and then...

essential to stay in the moment.

^^I practice this all the time. I don't know why it's so hard to do.

I spoke to my doctor about this just recently. He advised that whilst it is good to be in the moment - not to forget that the ability to predict or fantasise the future is a survival mechanism and one of our most basic abilities. And our ability to think about history is also a learning tool, or equips us with knowledge to deal with the present moment or the future. However he did say he thought that part of ptsd was a over active ability to jump to the future or dwell in the past and ignore the present... so I am doing as much as I can to be present in my own life. Idk if any of that makes sense??

 

[Tinyflame]

@blackemerald1 I think it does make sense. :hug: And I think when it comes to gratitude it doesn't have to be trauma-related per se, as much as, what are you grateful for? Not 'should be', but are?

I understand what you're saying, but I ask myself though- just speaking for me alone- when it comes to the end of my life or fore-warning of it, will I pride myself or feel grateful for my ability to have reasoned and protected myself, or the the amount and breadth and depth and quality of the love I gave?

 

[blackemerald1]

will I pride myself or feel grateful for my ability to have reasoned and protected myself, or the the amount and breadth and depth and quality of the love I gave?

^^ @Junebug - you know I don't think one precludes the other.. so I hope that for you that you can pride yourself on achieving both bc I think you have. By virtue of the fact that you already trying to live up to these standards you are, in essence living it. :hug:

 

[ladee]

Knowing you all this time @Junebug, I can speak about the love you give. That is one thing to NOT regret. Sometimes just seeing your name here on the forum makes me smile. And one of the few I wish I knew in real life.

Trying to live our lives with no regret is probably impossible. We don't have answers before we have experianaces, it's the afterward, and what did we learn from it.

I have not thought about my death bed feelings. Something to think about.

I have appreciated you and been grateful for you in my life since our first interaction here!! So try not to worry about the showing love part. And I have a feeling you do this in real life too... lots of hugs to you Junebug. Always searching, one of the things I love and respect about you, beeing a 'seeker'. :hug:'s

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw @blackemerald1 and @ladee , thank you. :hug:

By virtue of the fact that you already trying to live up to these standards you are, in essence living it. :hug:

^^ That is a very sweet thing to say. I am very humbled, as I am by this:

Knowing you all this time @Junebug, I can speak about the love you give. That is one thing to NOT regret.

nd one of the few I wish I knew in real life.

Me too @ladee !!! :):inlove: !

Trying to live our lives with no regret is probably impossible. We don't have answers before we have experianaces, it's the afterward, and what did we learn from it.

Thank you for that. ^^^

I suppose I feel, since I can remember as a young adult on, if not earlier, though not a great communicator by any stretch, it was important to me that my words matched my real feelings. But that be whether in anger, or in love. I would always think I can't take this back, do I really mean it, feel it- so 'emotional reasoning' meant more to me as to what was an accurate reflection of my thoughts. Of course thoughts can change- and then emotions. But even those are with logic, or different info, or different perspective.

I suppose I know, I cannot be (often) what others have wanted, or needed, me to be, or 'who' or 'how' or 'what' they'd prefer I'd be or have been. So in being vulnerable, even the vulnerability comes with that knowledge- were anything else possible by my simply changing my attitude or trying harder I'd be that person. But I cannot. It would be someone without what my challenges are, someone not me, and maybe someone who's thoughts were more maleable or changeable than they say they are, when they say them. Not that that's wrong or bad, just that it seems what they mean, changes fairly fluidly. Whereas for me, I wouldn't/ couldn't say it, if it wasn't what I meant. So the vulnerability is there, but it comes in a way with a sense or knowledge of loss of not really having, or being, enough to give (even on good days).

Hugs to all, and thank you, xox. :inlove:

 

[ladee]

@Junebug, 'truthtellers' tend to lead somewhat lonely and targeted lives. But regardless the consequences, you have always been true to yourself. Even when you questioned yourself into a corner, after the fact.

Even after all you have been thru in your life, that is a piece of you no one could touch and do the damage strong enough, to quite your truth.

And so much of your journey has been about finding people to validate that truth. Then, having doubts to these peoples motives, ect, for saying , YES, that is how it is!!!

I wish I didn't understand this. For both of us. But no matter what, you keep telling the truth, at the risk of only having a few understand. It's not how many understanding people you have in your life, cheering you on, it's the people who DO understand.

You keep being YOU Junebug. As I know you are not capable of anything less. At the end of the day, we only have our selves to ask the questions to. And as long as we stay true to our selves... every now and then, someone comes along who wants to hear that truth, and cherishes you for staying true to yourself.

Love ya lady!! :hug:'s

 

[Tinyflame]

I love you too @ladee , xoxox :hug::inlove:

Always searching, one of the things I love and respect about you, beeing a 'seeker'.

This is funny @ladee- I never thought of myself this way (I changed my name to Search for about 3 days and then all I noticed was people with similar names- and really it was so 'not me' (in a better frame of mind- thought it was something that couldn't be 'googled')- I asked and Admin was so very kind enough to change it back instead of 'waiting a year' (then) - I said I've come to the conclusion I do better as a noun than a verb. ?? )

It's not how many understanding people you have in your life, cheering you on, it's the people who DO understand.

I do believe this @ladee ^^, I suppose I never sought out 'volumes' but rather genuineness/ sincerity. That's enough for me, I try to be kind to all, but I trust few. I'm good with that.

I've been so very, very lucky. Were I to die today, I've had a lovely Christmas (already). :):notworthy: But the fact I hope I don't- is progress in itself! Because I've been given some peace.

Amongst many amazing things that happened yesterday, which I just can't afford the time this minute to write now, I think I might understand something.

I always thought 'hope' was a 'gift'- somewhere I read that- so obviously though something one has to accept, and nurture, (and cherish/ care for, too- obviously there's responsibility to not destroy it, yourself) I thought it was just not something I was capable of, maybe, nor 'healing'. Not to be 'my' gift (- we all get different gifts).

I believe though, (JMVeryHO), one cannot 'un-grieve'- it's simply not (my) solution. I believe what works for me is a little different.. I need a plan of action, but, something else, too. For example, this woman I knew (from before), she followed me to the same original place, and was speaking on and on (her nature), talking about her H's death. I knew she likely needed to, though I couldn't get a word in edgewise and she kind of 'tunes out'- but was glad she did, as obviously it was on her mind, but she spoke of a friend of mine too, and I don't like getting in to things when people aren't 'there', but it was flattering. But she said he helped her H when he was very ill, said "Let's not talk about dying, but of healing". And I suppose 'that' was what I was meant to hear- that even dying we are healing- obviously for or when anything that comes next/ after, but- also in terms of peace(fulness), reconcilliation, living in the present.

But as many strange ( and wonderful, too-) happenings continued throughout the day (a (horrible) Anniversary of sorts), I learned something else, too, and maybe it's the missing link of 'processing' : When we lose a dog- we may get a new one (even if we don't think we ever will want to). If we lose a child (God forbid), people often try and sometimes succeed- to have another, or adopt. And the list goes on. Etc, etc , etc. Form the smallest to the largest. And it's not just acceptance. The void never fills in the place the void is- that is, it's not replacement(s), either, but more like the new growth in other places; like losing a limb but the others may become stronger, applied differntly. Not simply a matter of living, maybe learning to live in new ways. And I'm not sure one can get around it. But actually, the growth is good, the branches are new, and so is the plant.

I remember my dad saying to my mom (she told me later) when I was 11 and the dog died- the dog who I had since birth that was through me with everything (you'll understand the emphasis @ladee), and also with whom no matter what, I was never 'alone' or afraid, 'we gotta get that kid another dog'. But my dad had been through terrible, terrible losses and trauma since a child himself. And no- I didn't want one, of course- but fell in love after one night when he was 'bought' and came to our home (not my idea).

So I don't explain it well, but yes- a plan of action or 'attack' to deal with symptoms; to process; to grieve; to make sense of; - but also to over-write. Which seems to have (quite miraculously) happened again, at least the 3rd (successful) time. The miraculous part was some was my efforts, some other's efforts, but some within no one's conrol even possible, words are heard; things I saw; things I found; words I overheard; 'help' and happenings. And for that I am very amazed, and very very grateful. And really shocked (right down to my toes! :):notworthy: ). Wow. And for 'me'. I hope that makes sense, I am not very great with words or explaining.

I wish us all- every one- such peace, relief, and joy, and to see what can change. There can be beauty in the ruins.

Hugs and love and thanks to you and for you @ladee :hug::hug::hug: ? :inlove: xoxox.

 

[Tinyflame]

I do have to add one really cool thing- there is so much I could add but can't:

So many people die - at work, etc: for a long time I see plane's jet fuels when I'm walking after funerals and such- I think of them 'shooting off', and saying a goodbye/ letting me see (or remind me) ; and this year I thought (unrelated), "angels and stars should be on the tops of trees'- that is, that's what they 'suit'; (read later the Blessed Virgin Mary is represented by a star in Catholicism, and found a few stars on lousy, hope-less days- one a bright dark blue one). Well, I was looking at these beautiful Christmas trees, but eventually I was freezing (about -18 degrees C, but damp), and I couldn't see any detail through a bus shack winwow. Went out to catch a bus- was not mine- and saw a flash- not sure if I ever saw a shooting star?. But it was even better. I assume a plane's jet trail, but straight down, and the optical illusion remained as a star going vertically and stopping and remaining on the top of a lit up Big Tree. In the dark- never seen that! Then, later I ended up in the most beautiful cafe- most beautiful sight in the whole city- of tree upon tree of fragile white lights- honestly it was like something that "couldn't" exist- too beautiful. As bright as day, and so fragile.

Oh haha, and I looked down in the shack, and there was a 2 foot stack of old newspapers with "TV' written in pen on top, I flipped to the TV section because I had only seconds and there was the Peanuts crew belting out Christas Carols in the photo, and a list of 'Christmas programming', lol. :laugh: ?