Is There Ever Any End To This Hurt? - Writing This In A State , Please Dont Read If You Are Triggerd

[sarahts]

Tonight has been an absolute disaster. Everything has crashed arround me. I think i have taken 10 steps back in my recovery and healing. I had flashbacks . . . and when i say flashbacks i mean the really intense kind , that make you want to just be numb and dissapear. I see them , i see myelf loosing everything. And i hate it. Who am i now....i can tell you Im NOTHING , i am NOTHING , and i say that with every knolidge that my existance now seems like a load of pointless shit. Im furiouse , im angry and im plain ashamed. I lost myself and i cant find myself again......im so scared to be stuck like THIS forever.....my suicidal thoughts revolve around me at my local Bridge over the motorway , and yes i know its selfish , But theres NOTHING here for me , It feels like an empty abyss, theres no one because things happen / happend and they were taken away from me. so whatever mighty f*cking ''god'' or crappy person is up there just left me alone to fight and be lost thank a bunch Just me and my f*cked up head. . . . I HATE HOW I HURT PEOPLE. I cant communicate with people , i cant cry (even tho i am not thats very rare) and i can fully explain how i hate this victim i see in the mirror...when i think of a bridge it dosent put fear into my head , it puts relief and freedom because it would stop the pain , it woul go away , i hate it i hate it i hate it, im a mess . . . my T goes on about how if i want to or if i go to the bridge i ''have'' to ring her ect.....but if i do that my fear is of being sent away to a hospital....i couldnt deal with that,,,,,and i dont want her to say im to messed up for her and for her to abandon me , im so scared ill be abandoned again ,,,,she helps me , she said she wouldnt ever leve me but how do i know that ..... Im told me having reactions is good,,,,somehow sitting here shaking in floods of tears and thinking about bridges isnt good.......f*ck THIS f*ck MY f*ckED UP MISERABLE HEAD AND f*ck THEM FOR TURNING ME INTO THIS MONSTER im hate this and i hate my f*cked up little thing i call my mind its DESTROYING ME.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I've been there, sarahts. I hear you, and I'm rooting for that amazing, courageous person inside you who survived such #*%!!! - You've been through worse & come out the other side. I hope you'll give yourself permission to speak kindly to the hurting, scared child in you seeking comfort & compassion. Don't abandon that child...she's an amazing gift!

 

[sarahts]

.... Thank you , I cant write much , I just feel numb and lost , but it hels to know someone else has been here, thank you , Sarah

 

[anni]

It's not selfish to just feel so much, - it's just that you deserve very, very much to be here.You survived, they did not win. I don't know if I can add much from Bloom's post, which says so much, except I see the same thing frequently in the mirror, hate it too but slowly reject it more and more. You're brave, since you look there. You are brave, and good, and obviously so kind. You're not F'd up in your head, I don't think, you're just in pain, you know?

Write when you can, ok? We really are listening. As Bloom said, do take care of that lovely gift of a child.

With much respect and if a hug is ok, that too?

 

[shadowchaser]

There are many people here and many that feel the same every day. Don't give up. We are listening. Some of us are just on a cell and take longer to get threw all the different posts.