Childhood Is this a false memory?

[MoonGoddessHeart]

I have been having PTSD symptoms ever since my sexual assault when I was in College. However, I have been in ample amounts of therapy and the PTSD hasn't gotten better. In fact, the more therapy I go to the worse the PTSD gets. My dad was an alcoholic and at times physically abusive.

I have been having dreams lately about different people who abused me. I had a dream about someone in my neighborhood the other day. It was really scary. Later on, we started talking about Rogers Ranch - my neighborhood. I then started remembering a family that we spend a lot of time with... I then remembered one night being in a game room closet and my Neighbors father coming in and turning on the light.

I couldn't stop thinking about the game room closet and wanted to stop. I then started hyperventilating and started thinking about that person pushing himself on me. I then started have an extreme panic attack and flashback. Could I be having a false memory or are these memories true?

 

[MoonGoddessHeart]

Can someone help me?

 

[Ronin]

I don't think we can tell you, we haven't lived your life -

But IMHO it's more mattering, in the beginning, to not be so distressed by that resurfacing memory.
Whether it's true, or false, or true in what ways, can wait for later. When you've processed what it means to you to begin with, and figure out how to make it less distressing.

 

[MoonGoddessHeart]

What is IMHO? I see... I want to stop being so easily distressed but I feel like sexual abuse is all I can think about since my nightmares and body memories. I feel like I am going crazy.

 

[MoonGoddessHeart]

My PTSD has also made me super crazy.

 

[Ronin]

IMHO?

Sorry - in my humble opinion.

I feel like I am going crazy.

You're not going crazy. Obsessiveness & ruminating over things is quite common in trauma land.

Do you have a therapist to work this through with, or are you looking for one?

 

[Sideways]

When I've had memories come back to me, I've had the panic and the flashbacks and the urgency to know, to just have the finality and the control of knowing.

Try and breathe, and give your emotions as much space as you possibly can. Because real or not, inaccurate or spot on, the emotions you're feeling are valid. Panic makes sense, but it makes everything more distressing in the moment.

What you've "remembered" in your dreams, in your body, in your flashbacks - it may be real. It may have happened to you. And that's pretty terrifying. Just the prospect? Is terrifying.

Know that you are going to get through this. That getting clarity in your mind about what happened will come, with time. And that it's valid to be feeling exactly what you're feeling right now. Breathe into it, give those emotions space to just be there for a moment, then when you can, bring yourself back to your present where you are safe.

You'll get through this. No one here can give you certainty, but that's ok, you will get that with time. Right now, it's emotionally a lot to deal with, so be gentle with yourself and keep yourself safe.

 

[MoonGoddessHeart]

@Ragdoll Circus Thank you! That meant so much. I feel bad because everyone around me is exhausted by my trauma. Thank you for your help. It meant so much.

 

[Sideways]

@MoonGoddessHeart - there's no quick and easy way through this stuff. So take as many opportunities as you can to just be kind to yourself. People get through this stuff, and they lead wonderful and fulfilling lives. You're going to get through this, and as isolating as it feels, you're not alone:)