Disclaimer: I might be posting this in the wrong place. I've never been diagnosed with anything (can't seem to get a pdoc appt no matter what I do) and only one doctor has ever suggested PTSD to me, and even that was just a passing comment. This is just where some quick google searching took me, so if I should be using a different forum for this question please let me know!
Anyway.
Today at work I was kind of zoning out (I frequently do, since a lot of my work is just repetitive menial tasks). I don't remember what I was thinking about now; maybe nothing. But I could feel myself getting angry and frustrated, and then somehow it jumped to a vivid visual memory of this fairly petty argument I had with my mother's current boyfriend. The memory sort of "played out" in front of me visually like I was looking at him again instead of at the computer screen in front of me and quickly spiralled into a lot of other worries about my mom and the recurring fear that she'll never be happy. I eventually jolted myself out of it (maybe a minute later? I'm not sure) and could tell I was breathing faster and my pulse had gone up. I was also really warm, kind of clammy. All of these symptoms are pretty common when I have anxiety. I could tell I was in that pre-hyperventilation mode that always comes on before a panic attack, but it didn't reach full blown panic because I was able to catch it in time and focus on my breathing until the feeling passed.
I've had instances like this before but never thought much of it. It's always been easy for me to get lost in thought and focus on a memory or daydream so intensely that it's like the rest of the world isn't even there. It's often difficult for me to pull myself out of these thoughts, and people sometimes have to try multiple times to get my attention when I'm "elsewhere" like this. Because it's so common, I usually ignore strong onsets of visual memory. There was a long history of pretty intense emotional abuse in my household, so some (a lot?) of these memories have to do with the abuser and trigger similar physical reactions to the ones I experienced today. That's always seemed logical, so again, I've always ignored it.
The reason it's bugging me now is that the argument I remembered was really small. It was important, too, but it wasn't an abuse situation. In a lot of ways, though, my mom's current boyfriend reminds of me of our old abuser. So maybe it got tied up in that?
Any insight you all might be able to offer would be much appreciated. Sorry for the long post, and thanks in advance for your help.
Anyway.
Today at work I was kind of zoning out (I frequently do, since a lot of my work is just repetitive menial tasks). I don't remember what I was thinking about now; maybe nothing. But I could feel myself getting angry and frustrated, and then somehow it jumped to a vivid visual memory of this fairly petty argument I had with my mother's current boyfriend. The memory sort of "played out" in front of me visually like I was looking at him again instead of at the computer screen in front of me and quickly spiralled into a lot of other worries about my mom and the recurring fear that she'll never be happy. I eventually jolted myself out of it (maybe a minute later? I'm not sure) and could tell I was breathing faster and my pulse had gone up. I was also really warm, kind of clammy. All of these symptoms are pretty common when I have anxiety. I could tell I was in that pre-hyperventilation mode that always comes on before a panic attack, but it didn't reach full blown panic because I was able to catch it in time and focus on my breathing until the feeling passed.
I've had instances like this before but never thought much of it. It's always been easy for me to get lost in thought and focus on a memory or daydream so intensely that it's like the rest of the world isn't even there. It's often difficult for me to pull myself out of these thoughts, and people sometimes have to try multiple times to get my attention when I'm "elsewhere" like this. Because it's so common, I usually ignore strong onsets of visual memory. There was a long history of pretty intense emotional abuse in my household, so some (a lot?) of these memories have to do with the abuser and trigger similar physical reactions to the ones I experienced today. That's always seemed logical, so again, I've always ignored it.
The reason it's bugging me now is that the argument I remembered was really small. It was important, too, but it wasn't an abuse situation. In a lot of ways, though, my mom's current boyfriend reminds of me of our old abuser. So maybe it got tied up in that?
Any insight you all might be able to offer would be much appreciated. Sorry for the long post, and thanks in advance for your help.
