Is This A Normal Part Of Ptsd?

[texas_mommy2010]

I have been in therapy for 3 years, and I was doing so well. I went from having panic attacks every day to being relatively normal. Out of nowhere, I started feeling panicky again for about a week, feeling like a panic attack is close. I went to a bar, and I dont know what happened, but I drank a little, and somehow every PTSD symptom came roaring back. I seriously lost my mind and intentionally went home and got drunk, which started a fight with my husband. After this I went into such a depression that the next day I wanted to kill myself. I just lost it again, and didnt care about anything but destroying myself. I just wanted to stab myself over and over. My husband tried to stop me and I told him I hated him and left in my car. Husband called my therapist, and at first I was in tears wanting him to help me, (after he called me where I was late at night in my car), but then I suddenly got angry again and told my therapist to leave me the hell alone and to stay away from me, and I hung up on him. Somehow later I came to myself, and went home, with only minimal damage to my wrist. (I brought a knife with me). Now this has passed and I am clear headed again, but now I dont know what to do. I am scared to face my therapist, and my husband is terrified. Has anyone been through this? What could make me lose my mind like that after doing so well? Im not sure I have ever been in such a rage that I couldnt think straight. Im just praying I am not the only one experiencing this. This just doesnt seem normal, and hasnt happened to me in over 5 years. The last time I actually did cause sever damage, and have a huge scar on my arm from it. My therapist is also a good friend of my grandfather's that I have known outside of therapy for over 5 years, and I see him at church every sunday. Now I'm too ashamed to go to church. How can I face him? All of this after he just told me how well I have improved. I cant stop therapy, I know this, but Im just so embarrassed by this mess. Any advice is appreciated, thanks. :-(

 

[Hashi]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

The obvious response and the classic question is... what happened before this?

You say that it came out of nowhere, but you also say about your therapist:

All of this after he just told me how well I have improved.

I don't necessarily think it happened because your therapist just told you how well you've improved. It's a possibility, but my point would be more that something must have happened, and some things did happen - you've just said one thing that did. It wasn't out of nowhere, and if it wasn't this that set it off then it was something else that you're not aware of or not seeing.

Really, this is something you need to talk to your therapist about. If you can't, what is your therapist for? You're not in therapy to please the therapist, you're there to deal with what comes up for you.

I'm a bit concerned that you know your therapist outside therapy - that's far from ideal. Could I ask - how much are you able to open up to your therapist generally? If you can talk frankly and openly, isn't this something you could talk frankly and openly about too? If you can't talk frankly and openly, are there any other therapy options?

 

[texas_mommy2010]

Hashi, this used to happen all the time, it has just been a LONG time since it has happened. That is what I meant by out of nowhere. I was having a bad week, but only as far as normal anxiety for me. I think it was because when I drank when I went out, I suddenly had flashbacks to another time I got drunk and something bad happened to me as a result. I think I know what triggered it, I am just shocked at how hard I fell, and how out of control with my emotions I got. It is like I was suddenly back to how things were years ago when I couldnt even leave my house. I am just embarrassed that I behaved that way is all. As far as knowing my therapist outside of therapy, it is not on an intimate basis, I simply "know" him, as he is my grandfather's friend, I dont spend time with him outside of therapy. Also, I can talk openly with him, its just that I have NEVER behaved this way in front of him. Even when I have the occasional panic attack in his office, I have always been able to breathe through it with his help. In this case I seriously lost my mind, and I almost did something terrible to myself. This was a terrifying experience for me.

 

[scout86]

Stuff like that happens, yes, and not just to you. But, like @Hashi said, not out of nowhere. Not really. Stuff can appear to happen out of nowhere, but that's just because we didn't "notice what happened before what happened happened."

Sounds pretty scary! Also sounds like you'd be well off avoiding alcohol completely. You might try looking at this as an opportunity. You really should work through it with your therapist. That's what you're paying him for. And, I think there's an excellent chance you'll learn something in the process.

Feeling embarrassed is "normal" too, BTW. The session after I flipped out and accused my T of lying to me wasn't real fun. HE didn't have a problem with it (although he didn't appreciate the accusation), but it was a bit hard to face him. But, we both learned stuff from that and things have gone on from there and been good. The same thing should happen in your case. After all, you wouldn't be in therapy if you didn't have a few issues.

 

[RussH]

I am going to state the obvious, but I am not doing it to be insulting or unkind. It sounds like you were triggered by something. You may have to try and figure out what triggered you, so you can work on it with the therapist.

Now I simply want to ask a question; given the personal connections you have with your therapist, do you think you may need to get different therapist?

 

[Justmehere]

Relapses happen. I don't want to say they should be expected, but they are not surprising. The most important thing is what you do after them. I've had a few doozy spirals myself. You have a lot of insight and courage to stop the spiral and you are clearly wanting to go in the right direction. I suggest to take one small step reconnecting with your therapist and re-grouping with your husband.

Church is supposed to be about grace. Don't let shame hold you back. You are forgiven already.

 

[Justmehere]

Ps I agree with others concerns about a dual role therapist. I think you are discovering one of the reasons why it's generally best to avoid. However, I think getting back on track is goal one, then figuring out if this therapist is a the best option over the long run. I had a dual role therapist once. It's tough to sort out.

Remember, with a good ethical therapist, what happens in the therapy relationship will stay in therapy. It's required by law.

I know you feel so much shame. Maybe you did make a few mistakes, but it's really understandable. We all goof up handling all that PTSD and life can throw at us. Be kind to yourself. You do not deserve anything other than kindness and acceptance. :hug:

 

[texas_mommy2010]

Thanks guys! And dont be concerned, he is not a "dual" role therapist. I simply run into him often, but its a small town so it happens. Other that saying high at church or the grocery store, I have no contact with him.

 

[SarahG]

I've done this a couple times this year and it always was with alcohol. You're fine and the bar so you think then you start thinking mind racing and you panic so leAve. I'm married too and I come home to my husband and I noticed everytime there was alcohol my blackouts and flash backs would come out of no where. Then during my rage of anger I drive erratically break things or fight. But after I calm down I don't have any recollection. Our judgements and mindset are off when we drink so this makes us more prone to have problems. I was diagnosed with PTSD and bipolar disorder. Things will get better keep going to therapy and meds and quit alcohol all together