General Is This Common? Just Learning And Trying To Be Helpful But Seems Only To Backfire

[Tifanee]

I think all of us have trigger words that lead us down a "inadequate" or "worthless" path even if we are not negative thinkers or have a PTSD battle (yes Eleanor, this makes us Perfectly Normal:tup:) . If a person in your past always highlighted you loosing weight or wearing your hair/makeup a certain way, then a new partner mentioning innocently about joining a gym has your thought pattern go down the path of insecurity that you felt from the past partner. Even if your new partner was not making judgements about your weight, your mind processes it as a judgement. Once we become aware of this in ourselves it is easier to take a step back from how you would typically respond and analyze if you are upset because the person is being a jerk or am I mis-interpreting their intentions.

 

[Eleanor]

Anything and EVERYTHING can be misinterpreted. Language is like that. It is kind of a wonder we ever manage to get anything across at all. There is an acting exercise where you use only the words "I like your new red shoes." and try to make it mean other things. It is a fun exercise and shows just how malleable language/meaning is. So it's important to keep in mind the "sender" and the "receiver" in any attempt at communication.

And sometimes people are just jerks, and we have to be ducks - with their words rolling like drops of water off our backs. (I say this like I am good at it! HA:roflmao:)

 

[ProudWife99]

My T points out that when she holds up an object for us to see we both describe it differently from our perspective on what we can see. Neither of us are wrong, we're just coming from two different angles.

This is something I am guilty of more often than my H. He will try to express something to me, but I am usually more tuned in to his tone rather than the words he is using. If he is using a tone I feel is rude/disrespectful or hurtful I will not respond pleasantly. What he says is entirely different then HOW he says it. I cannot change how my brain processes information with a snap of my finger, but what I CAN do is trust that when he says "I did NOT mean it that way" that is the truth.

It is a give and take.

 

[Tinyflame]

Eleanor, you made me laugh (but it's true), re: being a duck. (Reminds me of that quote here, something like "Before you think it's your own self-esteem make sure you're not surrounded by 'arseholes' ", lol.)

Tifanee, you are very right, re: the weight, or whatever, good example.

And PW, I agree too. I am terribly guilty of getting it all wrong. :(

I think, barring the obvious (and true) differences in perspectives, meanings, connotations, histories, etc, the primary difference (and 'problem') as a sufferer, is that it's not about 'taking' offence or even some things that can be identified logically or cognitively with (specifically) self-esteem issues or past experiences (such as the 'weight' example)- that makes too much sense. (Speaking only for myself), the problem is, when there is no 'sense'; that is, you 'hear' something and I guess it is a trigger, then a 'word' (or more specifically concept, perhaps) seems to lead-off into illogical (or at least unrelated) thoughts (negative ones). Almost like it triggers an 'emotion', more than a logical thought, and then if you act on the emotion it makes no sense to anyone 'normal' (because it is like 'reacting'), and of course they have no clue as to 'what'.

That being said however, people can't (and definitely shouldn't) censor what they say or walk on eggshells. It's up to the sufferer to recognize their triggers, and also ask for clarification.
Words can be also be a tremendous source of hope, comfort, strength or direction. It's good not to lose the baby with the bath water. :(

 

[Eleanor]

For myself, I now try to notice when someone says something that hurts my feelings and offends me - and to treat it as a clue to finding something I didn't know I was conflicted/stuck/worried about. If someone accuses me of something that is plainly not true - "You are too tall!" "You never think anything through!" or calls me a six foot black man :D, I do not get upset - I am just confused or amused at their confusion. The ONLY things that have any "traction" are things I secretly in some small back dark hidden corner of myself think might possibly be True. If I don't have doubt about myself in that area - people can say whatever they like.

The Non-Violent Communication people say that other people never "make" us upset - they give us occasions to be upset. I think this is true of people when they are "present." When people are not "present," then we are open to triggering by others or subject to our own "reflex" responses - in the case of PTSD these can be extreme... Mostly just thinking to myself out loud here. Does this make sense?

The belief thing is so important ProudWife. And my daughter goes ENTIRELY off tone with my H - much to his chagrin. He would like to think he is "fine" and she is running out of the room with her hands over her ears because he has told her for the second or third time not to bang her fork on the table (or whatever.) The words are fine, the content is fine, and ALL she gets is tone. Sigh. He called it early on with her, "she's the canary."

We seem to be getting past the major dissociation stuff - and are now into a much more ambiguous realm... and I keep looking for patterns... that seems to be what helps unravel what is going on.

Sorry, rambling. Will quit now.

 

[Tinyflame]

No, not rambling dear Eleanor, it makes perfect sense. :)

You are making great progress together, it sounds. :tup:
xox

 

[ProudWife99]

Don't you quit! I gain so much from your posts. What you consider rambling, I consider helpful.

I've been studying the non-violent communication theory and have been trying to take responsibility for WHY something hurts my feelings as opposed to the fact that they were hurt. However, there are just some things we, as humans, are sensitive to!

 

[Tinyflame]

Something just occurred to me, I have no idea 'why'.
It came to me, supporters or sufferers alike- keep it brief (the words). Usually we try to 'reason', explain, talk a lot, but as to the 'words' I think what helps is short and sweet.

For example, "Please go". "Please stay". "It will be all right". "I will be all right". "I need to rest". "No." "Yes". "I need your help". "That hurts me." "I don't (do) understand." "Please be patient". "I'm sorry". Etc. Whatever applies.

 

[Eleanor]

That would be because I am incapable of doing such a thing, Junebug!:p My subordinate clauses want subordinate clauses of their own!

And you are exactly right.

 

[LizardViolet]

So CylentC, what are you saying? Are they words of support, or suggestions that she might interpret as pressure or, as you say, manipulation? Is your tone neutral, or does your frustration come out in your tone? Are you saying things you've said many times before?

 

[John Stockwell]

This behaviour I can relate to. I overreact to my wife and children when they are trying to help, because I misunderstand their comments, questions, or actions. I float off into some kind of illogical rant, of course I dont see it as that until later, saying things I dont mean. The words just roll off my tounge uncontrollably. Sometimes this goes on for an hour or so, then when I come out of it, I realize what I've done. Its hard to appologize for something repeatedly. I cant see their help as usefull because I am stuck: I cannot logically process my own functions, let alone what someone else is trying to do for me. It seems to be best if I am left alone, but the whole family needs me invlolved. Still trying to figure that one out.

Cheers.

 

[ISupportHer]

The first Therapist I went to cautioned me against too much "help". My thought at the time was that if I jump in and help do anything and everything, that it would be easier for her. That the problem is that this can be interpreted as controlling.

As I tried to learn about PTSD, I read that many times someone with PTSD can be very controlling themselves as a coping mechanism. Things happened in their life that they had no control over. A person with power took advantage of someone with little or no power. (Speaking of sexual traumas) So as they go forward in life, sometimes they do whatever they can to be in control.

So, my attempts to help, viewed as my being controlling, caused conflict as my wife struggled to be IN control herself. I made it worse because I just didn't know what I didn't know. Sometimes helping means backing off, but that is a learned behavior for me.

ISH