Is This Dissociation Or Near Fainting Experience?

[Deleted member 35429]

This post is sort of adding on to the most recent thread about your experiences with dissociation. A common theme people mention is they zone out or lose time. My experience is so different that I wanted to start a new thread. I have very physical PTSD symptoms with dissociation and I'm curious if others can relate at all.

This all happens primarily in therapy. Discussion about a very specific violent trauma in adolescence is the only thing that can bring this on, but my experience starts with a feeling like I am suddenly going to faint, almost like a strong head rush. Feels like someone pulled my soul out of my body straight through the top of my head, which leads me to not be able to see well. I get sort of white or snowy looking vision. I have a hard time comprehending what is being said or finishing a thought as my mind is blank. There is literally nothing in my head - no thoughts. I have no emotions with this except at times I feel terrified. Mostly I feel nearly stoned and relaxed. I can almost watch myself talking and not feel like it's me talking. I also get a very deep body tremor and cold chill. The tremor is what alerts me to how far gone I am. I am also convinced I can't walk when this happens but I always can if pressed. Sometimes I get dizzy/double vision that is bad enough I can't work my phone or read for a while. I have had my heart rate go from 60bpm to sustaining at over 130bpm while this is happening(I actually use a pulse meter in therapy at times). I also swear my therapist looks different and seems to act different when I'm in this state. I've never read of others experiencing this... I used to be convinced he was suddenly a perpetrator but now I just see him as seeming awkward or distant. It's taken a while for me to realize it's me that sees him differently and he isn't actually different.

This experience is so physical. After reading other's experiences with dissociation being losing time and zoning out in conversations or experiencing amnesia, I truly don't think I'm having the same thing. I don't think I've ever lost time, that would be so terrifying, so sorry for those of you dealing with that.

Maybe I really am going to faint when discussing this trauma and this isn't dissociation but a physical near fainting experience. Any thoughts?

 

[joeylittle]

To me, it sounds like very vivid depersonalization. That sense of being pulled out of your body, watching yourself from a distance, numb and lightheaded.

I actually don't know if one can depersonalize and derealize at the same time; describing your therapist as looking physically different is more of an aspect of derealization.

But they are both specific types of dissociation, and are described almost entirely in physical terms.

 

[Tinyflame]

I experience an extreme kind of extremely painful headrush/ deep ice feeling/ distortion like I am headed to maybe fainting/ painful facial paralysis, sometimes shaking/ stammering or tremors under extreme internal stress, (whether the exterior circumstances warrant it or not). But just lately I heard that Dr Oz say facial paralysis is one sign of stroke, I didn't really know how to explain it; until those words. So I am guessing blood pressure for me.

ETA, also, this is stupid because I realize our brains can't feel pain, but I often get this feeling like a wire 'wiggled' in my head, and pulled out the top (painfully).

 

[Riot]

@0101, I have Depersonalization/Derealization, and can relate to what you wrote very much. Sometimes it starts with is a 'visual rocking' or swaying, kind of like when you're getting your land legs back after being on a ship for an extended period of time. As @joeylittle said, it's on the spectrum of dissociation. You're not alone there.

As for experiencing both at the same time, I'm fairly certain you can. They both share a lot of similarities and are usually lumped together. The 'lack of thought' so to speak... been there, done that. It's quite disturbing, isn't it? If you are able to, I really recommend practicing a grounding technique that you can default to on autopilot. Nothing like super cold water on your skin to bring you back down a little, you know?

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Have any of you ever heard of people actually fainting from PTSD/dissociation? I suppose I spent so many years dealing with this feeling without knowing about dissociation that I convinced myself that I was close to fainting and the residual symptoms were just because it took me a while to snap out of it. It's hard to believe this is all dissociation. Looking back at all the times I 'almost fainted' I realize now they were very triggering events in medical appts or in a dojo doing martial arts and sparring.

I can't believe I didn't tie this together sooner that my experiences with this in therapy are identical to my 'near fainting' in the past.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Feels like someone pulled my soul out of my body straight through the top of my head,

This is exactly how I used to feel just before I dissociated.

Once, I was standing in an office having a nice conversation with someone, when suddenly I was hit by overwhelming negative emotion and it literally felt like my essence was sucked out of the top of my head.

Next thing I knew, I was somewhere else, at my student's home in the middle of a lesson.

What happened to you was very similar. The difference seems to be that, while I completely dissociated and switched out, you went into depersonalization mode.

can almost watch myself talking and not feel like it's me talking.

That's depersonalization, a form of dissociation.

I also swear my therapist looks different and seems to act different when I'm in this state.

This, especially given your mistaking him as a perpetrator, sounds like you are in the midst of a (partial, possibly affective) flashback. You are superimposing your memory of the perpetrator onto your therapist.

This is really confusing when it happens.

Example: Once, I had a full-blown flashback while on the phone with my (male) therapist. In my flashback, I was a small child in bed with an adult male in bed next to me making orgasmic sounds. Next thing, I was back in my office on the phone with my therapist. At first, I didn't know where I was or who was on the phone. Then, because I was still confusing the flashback with the present, I thought my therapist must be having sex with his wife while talking to me (because I assumed the sounds from the flashback must have been coming over the phone). Then, I realized that probably wasn't true, but rather he must have been having an asthma attack. So, I interrupted him and expressed concern that he was having an attack.

Now, your experience was different, but can you see how easy it is to mix up a flashback with the present?

 

[Deleted member 35429]

This is exactly how I used to feel just before I dissociated.

Once, I was standing in an office...

Wow that's a really intense story. How did your therapist respond? It's taken me so long to feel convinced my therapist isn't predatory. I go in and out of thinking he's sadistic, and going to snap. I call him out on these instances and we spend most therapy sessions discussing him and his behavior instead of my history. I find it so frustrating. When we begin to discuss my trauma, this derealization/depersonalization happens to me that is so convincingly real that we then spend the next two sessions arguing about his behavior when he we discussed trauma. He always seems to come around and be safe again but then the cycle starts all over.

I need to find a way to stop this type of dissociation or I'm afraid I'll never be able to see him as safe when I need him to be safe.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

How did your therapist respond?

He was confused. I took me a couple of days to figure out what happened and then explain it to him.

It's taken me so long to feel convinced my therapist isn't predatory. I go in and out of thinking he's sadistic, and going to snap. I call him out on these instances and we spend most therapy sessions discussing him and his behavior instead of my history.

It's good you're discussing these thoughts with him as they arise.

It might help you to know that this is an important part of the healing process. In fact, if your therapist knows about your traumatic history, he actually EXPECTS you to have trouble trusting him, etc..

I need to find a way to stop this type of dissociation or I'm afraid I'll never be able to see him as safe when I need him to be safe.

It's part of the process. Try not to worry about it so much.