WesternSky
Bronze Member
I've read through a lot of this forum to try and get a handle on what exactly dissociation is. I wish I would have had this forum as a resource years ago when the trauma first happened, because I think a lot of the symptoms I experienced would have been clearer to me. As it is, I'm still trying to piece together my reactions and connect the dots between the symptoms that may have been PTSD-related and the ones that I had no idea were anything other than me just being weird or off (decreased memory, hypervigilance, out of control startle reflex, etc.)
What I understand about dissociation is that when it happens it's as if you lose time out of your life because you are not present for it. As if you come back to yourself to find that time has elapsed that you don't remember. That's the best understanding I've been able to get. It's something I may have done at some point, but I was wondering if it's related to what I've been calling full shut-downs.
They happen without my intention; I can fight them, but sometimes they're too strong. Most of the time they scare me, especially when I first feel it tugging at me, but sometimes when I am especially overwhelmed I just want to give in. It's as if a wall comes up between me and the rest of the world. Someone could be talking to me and I feel absolutely nothing. There is no fear anymore. Anything could happen right in front of me and I wouldn't care. Nothing can touch me, nothing can reach me.
At its most extreme I start being unable to understand the words of the person speaking in front of me. It's as if they're speaking another language. Then gradually the volume drops until I no longer register their voice at all, except for some sound that occasionally filters through. Also, when it's particularly bad, my eyes sometimes lose focus and while I still have my eyes open, it's as if everything is blurry - like when you focus on an object till everything around you is blurry, except for me, nothing is really in focus.
When I am not in it, the thought is terrifying because I am afraid I will lose all touch with the world and will destroy my relationships with certain people if it happens around them (because they won't understand that I can't be reached and will think I'm willfully ignoring them). At the same time, it's tempting to shut down because nothing can reach me. I don't think I can willfully activate it, but if it happens I worry I will allow it to happen if things are bad enough. Sometimes when things are going poorly, think to myself that I could always shut down and just not come back. Let things happen as they will. And that, too, is terrifying that my mind can think that way.
So, thoughts? Anyone else experience this, or know what the proper thing to call this is?
What I understand about dissociation is that when it happens it's as if you lose time out of your life because you are not present for it. As if you come back to yourself to find that time has elapsed that you don't remember. That's the best understanding I've been able to get. It's something I may have done at some point, but I was wondering if it's related to what I've been calling full shut-downs.
They happen without my intention; I can fight them, but sometimes they're too strong. Most of the time they scare me, especially when I first feel it tugging at me, but sometimes when I am especially overwhelmed I just want to give in. It's as if a wall comes up between me and the rest of the world. Someone could be talking to me and I feel absolutely nothing. There is no fear anymore. Anything could happen right in front of me and I wouldn't care. Nothing can touch me, nothing can reach me.
At its most extreme I start being unable to understand the words of the person speaking in front of me. It's as if they're speaking another language. Then gradually the volume drops until I no longer register their voice at all, except for some sound that occasionally filters through. Also, when it's particularly bad, my eyes sometimes lose focus and while I still have my eyes open, it's as if everything is blurry - like when you focus on an object till everything around you is blurry, except for me, nothing is really in focus.
When I am not in it, the thought is terrifying because I am afraid I will lose all touch with the world and will destroy my relationships with certain people if it happens around them (because they won't understand that I can't be reached and will think I'm willfully ignoring them). At the same time, it's tempting to shut down because nothing can reach me. I don't think I can willfully activate it, but if it happens I worry I will allow it to happen if things are bad enough. Sometimes when things are going poorly, think to myself that I could always shut down and just not come back. Let things happen as they will. And that, too, is terrifying that my mind can think that way.
So, thoughts? Anyone else experience this, or know what the proper thing to call this is?
