Is This Normal? I'm Confused!

[Addy]

I was having a relatively benign conversation with my T yesterday about my father (who is an alcoholic and sexually abused me growing up) and I happened to mention that I stopped over to visit with my mother and saw my father fall down (d/t his drinking). I mentioned that I got really angry with my mother because she said he wasn't drinking. This is nothing out of the ordinary, as she is the queen of denial. But for some reason it really upset me and my T asked me why. I told her I think it was because that's what she's always done... her denial prevented her from seeing what was going on when I was a kid. After that, my T asked me something else... I don't even remember what she said. I must have been triggered by this conversation because I started to have a horrible memory. I don't want to trigger anyone else so I won't say what it was, but it seemed too surreal to be true? It just couldn't possibly be true. My T could tell something was going on with me. She started asking me questions and I literally couldn't speak. Finally I was able to verbalize that I was afraid of saying something that might be untrue because it was so horrible it couldn't be true. She encouraged to share my experience and with a LOT of help I was finally able to get the words out. After that I was gone... I know I was trembling a lot because she told me so. It took her a while to get me grounded and back in her office.

After that she asked me if I was ok. She asked me if I was angry or wanted to scream... I guess this is where my confusion comes in. Is the way I was supposed to feel? I just felt numb. I didn't even cry. I told her I felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball and go to sleep. I told her I felt it was surreal and foreign, like it wasn't true. I'm so confused right now. How are you supposed to feel after remembering something so horrific? I am questioning my own sanity right now. Please help normalize this for me... or feel free to call me crazy :confused:

 

[The Albatross]

Numb is pretty much what goes on with me too... I don't really cry and think it had something to do with the punishment I'd get if I expressed or showed emotion around my abusers. You don't sound crazy to me. Sleeping (I used to do that but not so much anymore now) was avoidance for me. When I would wake up, time would have passed, things would have changed... I didn't have to process what I experienced because usually something else was pressing for my attention after waking... something I needed to do, somewhere I needed to go, etc.

 

[Addy]

thank you Albatross... sleeping is definitely an avoidance technique I use. I just thought that after disclosing something so horrible that I would feel SOMETHING. I think this is what makes me question my memories and my sanity. It's like I don't know how to feel and that just seems wrong... like the emotions don't match up with the memory. I don't even know if I'm making any sense, I just feel so very removed from the human race most of the time.

 

[The Albatross]

I've had several people say that when I talk about the trauma(s) it sounds like I'm telling it about another person. I don't really feel much unless it comes in nightmares or something new that I previously blocked out shows up or unless an unexpected event evokes a response (startle then a bit of an anxiety melt down). I'm looking forward to others responses here.

I shared on someone's diary today that I looked at pictures (some that I have) and didn't really feel anything either.

 

[Addy]

I've had several people say that when I talk about the trauma(s) it sounds like I'm telling it about another person.

It's funny you mention this because that's sort of what my therapist tried to explain to me... that it felt foreign to me because when it occurred I just shut down and in a sense allowed it to happen to 'someone else.' I don't know about that, but I do feel like I just went away in my mind.

 

[Martin Taylor]

I have a numb place I sometimes go.

 

[doglover]

Yes I deal with things this way too. I feel so detached from my conscious trauma memories, and kind of hollow when I think of them. Feeling about it generally hasn't worked well, unless I catch myself by surprise. I wasn't allowed to feel anything heavy, especially if it didn't match what my abuser wanted me to feel. So feelings of my own generally... don't come up easily. And when they do come up, I get sleepy or find ways to distract myself.

 

[Addy]

feelings of my own generally... don't come up easily. And when they do come up, I get sleepy or find ways to distract myself.

That's exactly what I do... I use sleep or try to stay really busy. Idle time is NOT a good thing for me... I get lost in my thoughts, ruminate, space out, etc...

So as to my question... is it possible that my lack of emotions means that my memory is inaccurate or untrue??? I'd rather believe that than face the chance that it is true.

 

[maddog]

Hi Addy. I don't think I can comment on whether or not your memory is likely to be accurate or not. I think this is a different issue altogether from your reaction to the memory, or rather, what I mean is that your reaction can't really be any indicator of whether or not the memory is likely to be true. As others have all said, numbing, dissociation and that most disconcerting mismatch of thoughts and feelings and affect, are all very common. They're coping mechanisms and, from what I know, very characteristic of PTSD in the case of triggered memories, flashbacks and other fragmented trauma responses. Hell, I'm no expert, butI do know my own world and my own experience, and what seems like a hundred times a dayI find myself experiencing this hollow invalidated aching realisation that the way I feel inside is light years away from the way I am appearing on the surface or behaving throughout the course of the day. I frequently feel totally dispassionate when I speak of my trauma, or of anything difficult, to anyone other than my psych. After more than 12 months of intense therapy I am finally starting to recognize a greater match between my affect and my feelings when I speak to him, but it's taken that long, and it hasn't generalised to other people or situations. And so the functional unflappable me forges on through life, working, interacting, crumbling apart inside so that sometimes the incongruity of my internal and external worlds reaches a critical mass and I have some sort of spontaneous meltdown for what appears to be no reason, at what appears to be a completely random moment. All I ever hear is, "but you're doing so well..." I've come to hate that sentiment, not because I don't want it to be true, but because just hearing it makes me feel like a vile fraud and a liar, as though I am willfully deceiving the world and invalidating myself at the same time.

Sorry, struggling to make sense today I think. I hope that even if this hasn't helped you with your dilemma at all Addy, you at least know that you are in a big boat right now, and we're all rowing upstream with you.

Maddog

 

[doglover]

Addy I hear you wanting the lack of emotion to mean the memory isn't true. I can't say one way or the other. I do know that we can protect ourselves from the overwhelming and horrible by separating internally from the horror. Blanking it out. I have this weird similar thing about sexual abuse. Like my body reacts as if I had that happen but I have no conscious memory of that. I think I find it too terrible to allow as a real experience and then doubt my body signals. Because I don't have the memory. So like you I question if there is truth to it.

If it is that hard to face for you then maybe that is where the questioning comes from. You don't have to own or accept anything you don't feel ready to accept. We're with you either way.

 

[The Albatross]

Numb is how I cope with it, whether it be memory or regular living. Hopefully one day that will change. Sometimes I get discouraged because I "know" or think I should be feeling it... but it just isn't there, other times I can understand that it's my way of self protecting. It's a personal thing... what does it mean to you?

 

[Addy]

Hell, I'm no expert, but I do know my own world and my own experience, and what seems like a hundred times a day I find myself experiencing this hollow invalidated aching realisation that the way I feel inside is light years away from the way I am appearing on the surface or behaving throughout the course of the day. I frequently feel totally dispassionate when I speak of my trauma, or of anything difficult, to anyone other than my psych. After more than 12 months of intense therapy I am finally starting to recognize a greater match between my affect and my feelings when I speak to him, but it's taken that long, and it hasn't generalised to other people or situations. And so the functional unflappable me forges on through life, working, interacting, crumbling apart inside so that sometimes the incongruity of my internal and external worlds reaches a critical mass and I have some sort of spontaneous meltdown for what appears to be no reason, at what appears to be a completely random moment. All I ever hear is, "but you're doing so well..." I've come to hate that sentiment, not because I don't want it to be true, but because just hearing it makes me feel like a vile fraud and a liar, as though I am willfully deceiving the world and invalidating myself at the same time.

WOW... you've literally just described how I feel on a daily basis. The was I feel inside is NOTHING at all like the way I appear on the surface to others. People seem to think I have it so together, which I find frightening... that either means I'm the best actress on the face of the earth or others are really clueless and unperceptive. I have often referred to myself as a fraud or a hyppocrite. Though I don't necessarily think it is willful deception and concsious self-invalidation... it's more that I don't know any other way. I am afraid of what others would think of me if they knew the truth.

Anyway... thank you for explaining your experience, as it is quite validating. BTW... you should be a writer, as you are very articulate and you express yourself very well.

--Addy