Is This Normal?

[Turtle]

I'm trying to figure out what exactly happened on Christmas night, and if this is considered "normal" PTSD behavior. Parts I remember and parts my carer had to fill me in on.

I remember staying at a different friends house, but they had to go into work so I was on my own for the night. I have been having issues of waking up from a terror and literally just running away. I will "wake up" someplace new and have to make my way back to where ever I started. Not a good thing to happen in the midwest during winter, but this happened that night. I have started sleeping in really warm clothes and shoes just in case this happens (usually occurs when it's been a rough couple of nights). I kept my phone in my pocket so when I woke up on a trail near the house I was able to call for help. I had to call my carer, even though I knew he had family stuff, or was sleeping (11 or so at night). I was mostly lucid at this point, a little scared but I knew what I needed to do to get to safety again. The cold was getting to me (14F that night), but I kept walking my way back to the house, even though I just wanted to lay down and sleep. Pretty sure that was from hypothermia at this point.

It took a while but my carer found me in a park (on the way to the house), I remember parts but this is were things get really fuzzy. He gets me in the truck, and we argue, I wanted to go to my car and go to my apartment (45 min drive away) and he wanted me back at his place where he could watch me. We went to his place, I remember zoning in and out along the way to his place.

I don't remember much from this point foward. He said once we were there I didn't want to get my stuff, I was really out of it, and what little I would slur was about not wanting to go in. That's when it started to happen. I thought he was a person from my past abuse, I kept saying I'll do whatever he wants as long as he doesnt burn me again. Since I don't remember this part, I don't know if there was something that triggered me or what. Some how he convinced me to get in the apartment and into the warmth again.

I didn't recognize his place. I kept asking to take a shower first to get warm then we could do whatever he wanted (still thinking he was a person named Jason). He kept reminding me he was not Jason, kept asking who I thought he was. After awhile he just decided to let me take a shower first, I was shivering really bad probably. I can sort of remember what happened next. He gave me a towel, kept asking who he was, I made a move to the bathroom, and it felt like I was trapped against the hallway wall, he bumped my arm and it sent me running and crying into the bathroom. I thought he was Jason, I was very scared. I locked the door and started crying.

I don't remember this part but he said there was a lot of crying, lot of him talking through the door. I still thought he was Jason. Eventually he convinced me to open the door and look at him. Hoping I would see who it really was. I was still crying, hiding my face, and then it was like a slow lightbulb, I started realizing where I was, he asked who he was and I got it right. It took maybe 15 min from opening the door to realizing he was my carer. Still with lots of crying going on.

He calmed me down after that, and was very sweet about everything, but what happened really scared me. Right after that I couldn't remember anything. I remembered being at my friends house, but not going to bed, not calling my carer (I was lucid when I made that call originally). Things have started to come back, it seems like the more emotional I was the less clear things are, but I have a general idea of what happened now, even if I don't remember parts myself.

What was this, a flashback, really bad dissociation, what? Is it normal to not remember anything right afterwards? Or to have things start to come back slowly?

I haven't had it happen this way before. I have woken up from a terror and thought I was still in it. I'm guessing this is also what happens when I run, but no one is around to engage me or point out where I really am so I simply run away like when I was little. My memeories from christmas night are similar to those times when I dissociated from a terror, but I haven't done this from being awake yet.

It really scares me, and I'm really worried about what is going on, or having this happen again.

 

[Darkness Shines]

Oh, that sounds terrifying. I've never had something quite like that happen, but I've definitely had flashbacks where I conflated reality with the past (including thinking people were someone other than who they really were), and also had dissociative episodes where I had little or no memory of what had happened afterwards. What happened to you almost sounds like a combination of the two to me--you were disassociating and having flashbacks. My worst episodes have involved both as well.

Have you gone over grounding techniques with your carer? My husband knows which features of the environment and which things about him will ground me best, which features have no connection with my traumas. I find his thick accent, which is utterly different from how anyone who ever hurt me spoke, to be the most grounding thing in the entire world. Perhaps you could talk with your carer about what he can do to help establish who he is and where/when you are?

That's the only idea I can come up with. Hopefully others will come along with some more advice.

Hugs,
Adelaide

 

[BloomInWinter]

Pretty sure that was from hypothermia at this point.

Because of the obvious physical risk of harm, I'd consider this a medical emergency & give myself permission to call my doc and be a P.I.A. until an answer is found. Could be...sleep disorder? Med reaction? Med dosing error? Allergic reaction (long shot...) but this one needs an answer right away, and in the short term, a safety plan. Med alert bracelet? GPS device? Something....

There is a medical explanation for it, and there is a solution. You deserve to demand answers until you feel satisfied you've gotten both.

Please be gentle with how you talk to yourself on this...NOT your fault, NOT something you did or didn't do...just a problem that needs matched to the solution.

 

[Turtle]

Thanks for your concern BloomInWinter, the quote you used was in reference to wanting to sleep while on the trail. That is a common reaction to hypothermia, especially once it progresses past the point of no longer shivering.

Pretty sure that was from hypothermia at this point.

My T has long been aware that I run in my sleep, and that it is most likely a reaction to "waking up" in a terror, but not knowing what's fully going on. I have done it a few times when people are around, but they quickly pull me back to reality.

I do have a plan in place for this, hence sleeping in warm layers, and keeping my phone in my pocket during the night. I also stay with people whenever possible. Tthere is another reason for this, I am terrified of staying in my apartment for other reasons but have been having problems getting the university to move me, no open place to move to so I stay with friends. I rarely stay at my own place, or alone for that matter.

My original concern/question was whether other people dissociate into a flashback (I guess that's the best way to describe it?) from a point where you were awake originally. I have woken up into this state before, but have never been awake then suddenly completely lose contact with where I was, and thought I was back in a previous situation.

From what I understand it was not a gradual onset, but like a switch was flipped while in the truck, and then I was gone in my own world. Do others experience this? How do their carers bring them back when they are completely involved in one of these episodes?

It's just never happened while awake and that's what is really worrying me, I don't know what caused/possibly triggered it. Or how to handle it other than my carer just being patient and trying to talk me back to reality.

 

[Tinyflame]

Ya turtle, I have (not frequently)- wasn't so 'involved' as yours- I thought that was the only way it could happen. Sort of 'stopped at the experiencing', but ya, can't recall too much at times like those.