Relationship Is This Part Of Ptsd?

[exhausted 81]

My boyfriend (or ex not too sure) has decided to move in with his grandma for a while. He said he needs to find himself.

A few weeks ago we got into an argument because he was trying to blame me for him not going to his AA meetings. I got mad and slammed the patio door in his face. He left and said he was going out of state with a friend to go fishing, he hasn't come home since. He has said he is staying with his grandma. I get sporadic texts from him and they are short. He has refused to discuss any thing, including the state of our relationship. I do feel like he is stringing me along, but I could be very wrong. He still wears the promise rings we got. He has told me he does love me and doesn't want me to think he doesn't. I will send him texts just saying good morning and such, nothing too in depth, and sometimes he doesn't reply. Well he sent me a good night text last night and I was asleep so I didn't respond. Then I get a phone call, it was him. He asked me why I didn't reply and why I was out of breath. I told him I had to jump out of bed to get the phone because I was sleeping. Then he proceeds to ask me if he has any mail. Couldn't he have just text this instead of calling me at 10:30 at night?

About a week ago he text me and I didn't respond right away and I received a phone call from a private name and number, and the caller hung up when I answered. I'm pretty sure it was him. Immediately after that I get a text from him saying he knows I was with someone else. The is not true, by any means. I love this man and have stuck by him through his relapse, rehab, and his PTSD program. He has huge trust issues and nothing I can say or do will make him feel at ease. I also feel he is a bit controlling and he has admitted to this.

Now my question is do PTSD sufferers have a habit of running away, trust issues, and control issues? Or is this something deeper. I am doing as much research as I can on the PTSD and just still trying to be there for him and let him know I do love him and do still want to be with him.

I have no clue how he feels or where he is at with our relationship. It's so hard not knowing and quite frankly very frustrating. It's been two weeks. Does anyone know how I might be able to get through to him?

 

[BloomInWinter]

Hi exhausted81,

The PTSD can account for some desires for isolation, difficulty communicating, and trust issues.

It is NEVER an excuse for abuse, disrespect, cruelty, stalking behaviors (like the anonymous phone call), or controlling behaviors. Your descriptions are of a seriously ill, abusive, dangerous individual.

What you are describing of him, no matter if everything else is wonderful and perfect, is a sick relationship. It is not love, but co-dependency.

Are you seeing a therapist? It's really important for all carers to learn how to take care of themselves when in a relationship with a sufferer. Especially an abusive, immature sufferer.

My best suggestion is to believe who he is right now by his behaviors. Don't give him any credit for words or even more fruitless, what you believe his intentions are. Doing this gives a human being too much credit when their actions continue to be harmful.

The behaviors you are describing are not the actions of a loving person who respects you. Instead of tying yourself in knots trying to "fix" him, it would a much healthier spending of your time to get with a therapist who can help you work this out.

Also, you qualify for free Al-anon meetings, and I highly suggest them. They've all been where you are.

I dated men such as that. My hubby is nothing like that. It took me a lot of therapy to learn why I believed I deserved such abuse, and how I was wasting my life allowing such people to be in it when they clearly didn't treat me with common courtesy, respect, and kindness.

Love isn't control. We can't fix anyone but ourselves. We can't change anyone else. But we can decide that we are too important to ourselves to continue settling for such a sad, impoverished existence.

If it was me, the first time he didn't come home or communicate would be enough to tell me he was either unwilling or incapable of giving me at least the same courtesy one would show a stranger. If my hubby did any of the manipulating that you're describing, I'd never have married him.

If your boyfriend was mine, I'd ditch him yesterday and move on to a healthier life. But that's just me, after many wasted years trying to fix people instead of learning how to live my own life and enjoy it.

Your local women's health center likely has counselors who can help you sort this out for free. They can also advise you how to safely extricate yourself from this situation should you wish to.

No therapist will have instructions for how to change another human being or their behaviors, thoughts, beliefs....because that is impossible. We were not put on this earth to live another person's life for them.

May you find support, comfort, and peace on your journey, wherever that takes you.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Now my question is do PTSD sufferers have a habit of running away, trust issues, and control issues? Or is this something deeper. I am doing as much research as I can on the PTSD and just still trying to be there for him and let him know I do love him and do still want to be with him.

Yes, these are actions I would associate with PTSD symptoms.

I don't see abuse in what you have described here. However, it is healthy for you to create realistic boundaries of what you will accept and what you won't, based on knowledge of PTSD. For example, isolation is sometimes needed by people with PTSD; but personally I would tell him that I wouldn't accept paranoid or jealous behaviour. If he cannot accept those boundaries, then you leave.

 

[exhausted 81]

Thank you Bloom. I am seeing a therapist as I have my own issues. I am working on myself because during this relationship I got lost. Hope that makes sense. I do want to attend Al Anon meetings but I am working on getting over my anxiety of being around strangers. Slowly, with therapy, it is getting easier.

Last time, when I kicked him out (found dirty texts to his ex), I found out he was driving by the apartment and I think he might be doing that again. He admitted to me Sunday before church that he went to buy more of the synthetic marijuana. They didn't have any so he changed his mind. I think because of his issues he makes up these elaborate stories in his mind and then gets furious. I am not a cheater, never have been, I am very loyal partner. Sure I have my faults, I know this and I am working on them.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Good for you! I'm glad you have support.

If it helps, I've attended and ran Al-anon meetings for over two decades. Everyone who walks in those first 10 times or so feels the same way as you do. Many don't talk for several months, which is fine.

You can go and just listen if you like. What you will notice is a feeling of being a little less alone in the world as you hear people with very similar experiences.

 

[kahlan]

As far as pushing people close away and running from situations this is how it was explained to me by my N. He wants to say one thing (I love you or I'm sorry) but something in the back of his brain overrides this and says the exact opposite because it's easier to hurt someone else (me) than to admit he's hurting or is afraid of being hurt. My sufferer has combat related PTSD. With that comes a lot of barriers in place that he needed up to survive and are so wired in his mind that when he pushes through those it causes anxiety.

That said both parties need to set boundaries as to what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. If he has alcohol related issues, his getting treatment would definitely be one for me. Treatment in general is actually a deal breaker to me. I know i can't fix him but I can help him but only if he's willing to help himself.

You aren't alone and I hope this forum helps you as much as it has helped me gain better understanding of the situation. :)

 

[exhausted 81]

My boyfriend also has combat PTSD along with childhood trauma that has contributed. He got treatment for his addiction and alcoholism. I think since getting sober he feels he also has lost who he is. He is afraid of being vulnerable and opening up to me. Right now I have decided that while he is finding himself I need to take this time to do the same. I am going to attend an Al Anon meeting for the first time tonight and I am very nervous.

This forum has helped me so much. It is good to see I am not alone and appreciate any and all feedback. I am so grateful that people share their experiences.