Hello, I just recently joined this forum, since I need help.
I have a semi-long distance relationship with my boyfriend who lives 9-10hrs away from me. We've been seeing each other for 6 months now, and I love him very much. Just recently, we came back from a long 5-day week away on an island paradise, where he told me he was very happy.
Then, a few days later a shooting happened outside their house last Nov. 25, hired thugs gunned down a man. His home office is located less than 10ft away from where it happened, so most likely he heard the shooting very close by him. I don't know if he witnessed it, but I'm guessing he just heard it happen. When he went outside to investigate, he was even asked by people/police to help move the dead body somewhere. It doesn't help that the police station is within sight of his home.
He suddenly stopped texting/emailing, when prior to this he used to communicate with me quite frequently (maybe 10+ emails a day, texts often). He is a very warm, loving man, and now he very abruptly stopped. He stopped using terms of endearment, and even stopped saying "I love you" and the like. His very few emails were very cold, and he says he's having a tough time right now.
We talked on Skype the next night after, and I could see he looked very worn out, he never smiled, he barely talked, and he looked very exhausted. At the time we talked, I didn't understand what he was going through, so I may have said a few wrong things (i.e. I pestered him to see me, talk to me, etc). But I realized the next day, he might be going through post-traumatic stress, and he completely shut-down emotionally. I told him I'd go to him on the weekend (Dec 1-2), but he says he's not ready to talk yet; he doesn't want to see me.
I'm worried, because he doesn't have family where he is (his parents and sister are all in the United States, they're close to each other), and he doesn't have close friends where he is as well. He has few friends to talk to there. The next time we Skyped, he still was very quiet, and reluctant to talk. I know he's experienced some form of trauma before. He told me that he went through a bad divorce six years ago, I'm his first relationship in six years. And he's been in a couple of motorbike accidents.
We already have plans to meet on Dec. 22 (to attend a friend's wedding), he says I should go to him then. Does this mean he needs time to think about/figure out things?
I've still been sending him texts and emails every now and then. Just short ones, just to say I'm here when he's ready to talk, I love him, We'll be okay, photos of us in happier times...that sort of thing. He wasn't responsive at first, but he started responding with short messages or small snapshots after a while.
Example: I sent him a photo of me hand-signing "I love you", and he responded with a desktop screencapture showing that he put the photo on his Macbook Dock.
But still cold messages with no terms of endearments.
My mother, who's a lawyer, directed me to a counselor/doctor who knows how to handle PTSD, and she said she could talk to him, if he wanted, via telephone conference (if I couldn't get him to travel far).
I Skyped with him a third time tonight, after we talked on the phone. He seemed in much better spirits, and he seemed to be his old self again, I even saw him smile. I asked him if he would like to talk to a doctor, and he's open to the idea, BUT he wants to talk to me first (on Dec 22) before he talks to her. Is this a good idea? We talked on Skype very much like before, but he seem reluctant to use our usual terms of endearment (sweetie, dearest, dear), and ignored it when I told him "I love you".
I think he might be improving, since he seems to be much better now. He's been keeping very busy with work, keeping his mind busy.
I'm just very concerned about his emotional detachment.
I'll be going to him on Dec 21 and spending Christmas with him. Any advice, tips, or anything that I can do to help him from 9hrs away (via internet) or when I travel to him will be very helpful.
Side-Note: I haven't told him yet that I do understand what he's been going through. I was a victim of sexual attack years ago, which led to me having problems forming bonds, always being on hyper-alert, trouble sleeping, nightmare, heart palpatations during anxiety attacks, etc. Does he need to know this?
I am reluctant to call this PTSD, since it's only been a week since the incident happened, and I know he'll need time to think or get things straightened out in his head, or compose himself.
I have a semi-long distance relationship with my boyfriend who lives 9-10hrs away from me. We've been seeing each other for 6 months now, and I love him very much. Just recently, we came back from a long 5-day week away on an island paradise, where he told me he was very happy.
Then, a few days later a shooting happened outside their house last Nov. 25, hired thugs gunned down a man. His home office is located less than 10ft away from where it happened, so most likely he heard the shooting very close by him. I don't know if he witnessed it, but I'm guessing he just heard it happen. When he went outside to investigate, he was even asked by people/police to help move the dead body somewhere. It doesn't help that the police station is within sight of his home.
He suddenly stopped texting/emailing, when prior to this he used to communicate with me quite frequently (maybe 10+ emails a day, texts often). He is a very warm, loving man, and now he very abruptly stopped. He stopped using terms of endearment, and even stopped saying "I love you" and the like. His very few emails were very cold, and he says he's having a tough time right now.
We talked on Skype the next night after, and I could see he looked very worn out, he never smiled, he barely talked, and he looked very exhausted. At the time we talked, I didn't understand what he was going through, so I may have said a few wrong things (i.e. I pestered him to see me, talk to me, etc). But I realized the next day, he might be going through post-traumatic stress, and he completely shut-down emotionally. I told him I'd go to him on the weekend (Dec 1-2), but he says he's not ready to talk yet; he doesn't want to see me.
I'm worried, because he doesn't have family where he is (his parents and sister are all in the United States, they're close to each other), and he doesn't have close friends where he is as well. He has few friends to talk to there. The next time we Skyped, he still was very quiet, and reluctant to talk. I know he's experienced some form of trauma before. He told me that he went through a bad divorce six years ago, I'm his first relationship in six years. And he's been in a couple of motorbike accidents.
We already have plans to meet on Dec. 22 (to attend a friend's wedding), he says I should go to him then. Does this mean he needs time to think about/figure out things?
I've still been sending him texts and emails every now and then. Just short ones, just to say I'm here when he's ready to talk, I love him, We'll be okay, photos of us in happier times...that sort of thing. He wasn't responsive at first, but he started responding with short messages or small snapshots after a while.
Example: I sent him a photo of me hand-signing "I love you", and he responded with a desktop screencapture showing that he put the photo on his Macbook Dock.
But still cold messages with no terms of endearments.
My mother, who's a lawyer, directed me to a counselor/doctor who knows how to handle PTSD, and she said she could talk to him, if he wanted, via telephone conference (if I couldn't get him to travel far).
I Skyped with him a third time tonight, after we talked on the phone. He seemed in much better spirits, and he seemed to be his old self again, I even saw him smile. I asked him if he would like to talk to a doctor, and he's open to the idea, BUT he wants to talk to me first (on Dec 22) before he talks to her. Is this a good idea? We talked on Skype very much like before, but he seem reluctant to use our usual terms of endearment (sweetie, dearest, dear), and ignored it when I told him "I love you".
I think he might be improving, since he seems to be much better now. He's been keeping very busy with work, keeping his mind busy.
I'm just very concerned about his emotional detachment.
I'll be going to him on Dec 21 and spending Christmas with him. Any advice, tips, or anything that I can do to help him from 9hrs away (via internet) or when I travel to him will be very helpful.
Side-Note: I haven't told him yet that I do understand what he's been going through. I was a victim of sexual attack years ago, which led to me having problems forming bonds, always being on hyper-alert, trouble sleeping, nightmare, heart palpatations during anxiety attacks, etc. Does he need to know this?
I am reluctant to call this PTSD, since it's only been a week since the incident happened, and I know he'll need time to think or get things straightened out in his head, or compose himself.
