Is This Transference?

[Fadeaway]

I am having a hard time understanding what is transference and what isn't.

I am terrified of getting attached to my therapist. I don't feel comfortable doing so, but I worry about whether it is something I can avoid or not.

Also, I told her that I was afraid that I was getting to dependent on her. I worry about becoming to dependent on the emotional support she provides. I have needed to call her about issues a handful of times outside of session, and she tells me that its good that I turned to her for these things, but I am freaking out about it. Where do I draw the line? How often is too often.

She has set the boundaries farther back than what I would expect, (in reference to the support given outside of session) and farther back than I would set my own boundaries for how often I should contact her. Is it strange feel awkward about it, that I fear crossing my own boundaries, when she has set more relaxed boundaries?

 

[seedling]

I've had health professionals with different sets of boundaries. I trusted all of them, in time I learned to let myself take what they were offering. It was hard. I didn't feel I deserved it and that I could make it on my own.
I think if you believe she is professional in her behavior then you could take advantage of what she is offering. If it's part of the package that she offers to all her patients and she maintains her professionalism when you contact her between sessions I don't see anything harmful in learning to accept it.

I think that we have a hard time with support from others because we have a history of not having it or having it be a negative experience. I don't think you need to be afraid to accept emotional support into your life. If she is gone at some point you may find that you are naturally starting to get the same needed support from other people.

I think we need to attach to someone to heal those parts of ourselves that so desperately needed attachment and didn't get it. We are supposed to be attached to other people. It's feels scary and vulnerable. Only you can judge the worthiness of your therapist to be this person in your life right now. A good therapist can help you deal with any unhealthy attachment issues that may arise, that's all part of the mess :).

 

[eudemonia]

I talk openly about my transference issues in session. He knows I'm attached to him and feel needy and dependent sometimes. I talk about it which feels weird but is usually helpful. There is actually a type of therapy called "Transference Focused Therapy". I, too, don't want to get too attached but he keeps very strong boundaries and when I want to cross the boundary we talk about it. I'm told that being attached is not bad and the relationship with the therapist can later be applied to other more "real world" relationships. It is hard and scary. Good luck.

 

[watundah]

I read somewhere that transference is kind of an outdated concern, in that it's pretty much a given that it will happen. They expect and experience counter-transference, as well. If you think about it, they have to care to provide the kind of compassion and concern that they offer up, and it has to be genuine.

That said, I completely get what you're saying. One of the first walls I hit was acknowledging that I was going to get attached and trust and then lose this person. I felt as though I was setting myself up for abandonment. Someone wiser explained that it would be a gradual thing, and that it's not like the door is going to be closed in my face. You grow and become less dependent and phase off of visiting every week to every other week, etc. We shall see. That seems a bit simple and idealistic, and a tough relationship to let go of. In my head, I see myself supplementing her social security!

I've never called her outside of session, however, I have sent emails. Sometimes she responds, sometimes she doesn't. A few times she's apologized for being busy and not getting to them, sometimes I think she's waiting to discuss them in session. I don't recall her ever setting up any guidelines or boundaries.

I suspect you are within the norm, but could it be the whole idea of asking someone for help and then getting the emotional support that you need is what feels so unusual?