Is What I Went Through Really Traumatic, Or Is It Just Me Being Overly-sensitive?

[The Albatross]

Doubled back to add that I think participation in "harm reduction" in a structured way would sort of fall under a recovery model. The preferential abstinence would best serve the person though I still think.

 

[quaintpapercut]

Sorry for misquoting Albatross. I realized after my flurry of posts that I wasn't utilizing the quote function well to indicate who I was responding to.

I agree with you that a drug or alcohol free life would be better no question. And I'm not meaning to take away from your experience either. It sounds like you went through hell and back - I know what type of strength that takes. Your posts demonstrate that as well - you really are an amazing person :)

 

[The Albatross]

No worries... so far as "life being sober or it isn't worth living" I guess that is a personal choice of how low you want to set the bar. I saw a direct correlation between my reduction of choices and my substance abuse. If I wanted to reduce my stress and anxiety, and endeavor to manage my chronic illnesses and my PTSD... well, I set the bar at abstinence, because I know for myself that ultimately... though it takes me a couple of years... I'll end up right back at compulsion and be for a time unable to limit or control my drinking or when I do it.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I guess that is a personal choice of how low you want to set the bar.

It is a personal choice. And even though somebody doesn't have the same bar as I do, it doesn't make them any less of a person. I think we need to be careful of judging others choices if they are not in line with our own. I hope I'm not ruffling your feathers Albatross, its not my intention, I just feel very strongly on the issue as well.

 

[quaintpapercut]

One more thing..I think that its interesting that we both speak from such different places on it. I'm not an addict but I have used drugs recreationally and I've worked with populations of society that are very much at the fringes of society. Heavy, heavy users . I found that the intent was always there. People did/do inherently want a better life for themselves but at some point their issues consumed them.

 

[rightkindofme]

And even though somebody doesn't have the same bar as I do, it doesn't make them any less of a person. I think we need to be careful of judging others choices if they are not in line with our own.

This is very much my position. I have been seeing Harm Reduction specialists for almost a decade. I think that part of the difficulty in these kinds of discussions is that people have different pictures in their heads when they use words like "addict". There are absolutely people who MUST be 100% abstinent forever or they are on a downward spiral.

I'm a pot head. I have been for going on four years. It increases my functionality exponentially. I drink. I have somewhere between three and eight drinks in a month. I think I've only had two or three eight drink months in the past five years. I stopped using ecstasy, LSD, etc when I had kids. Those things no longer fit in my life.

I am called an addict regularly. People also like to use "sex addict" and people can't figure out how to label the compulsive self-harming.

I have more control over my behavior and symptoms now than I have had at any other point in my life. Am I "perfect"? No. Am I "healed"? No. My shrink (a specialist in my kind of extra-special lifelong weird complex trauma) thinks that if I keep going how I am with therapy and processing I will probably feel like a new woman when my kids are grown. But I am going to have to see what a healthy childhood looks like, at least from one side of it before I get there. That's what I'm crossing my fingers for.

It feels very hurtful to have people say that unless I go start a church and have "millions of converts to my religion" I shouldn't give my opinion or it will be all my fault that people die due to terrible drug addiction.

 

[The Albatross]

No ruffled feathers. I just find it immensely selfish to tear down families along with the one who insists on heavy use to the point of addiction. Enabling them is not conducive to any families life. I needed to hit my bottom, and I needed to do the work. That's what I know. To get the drug of choice a lot of things happen. Things don't have to happen, if the person can commit to a program of recovery.

 

[The Albatross]

It feels very hurtful to have people say that unless I go start a church and have "millions of converts to my religion" I shouldn't give my opinion or it will be all my fault that people die due to terrible drug addiction.

I am entitled to my opinion just like you are yours and I stand by it. I don't recall saying spirituality or religion was a key component of recovery, in fact it is not. There are secular/rational recovery therapeutic models which work every bit as well.

 

[aka]

JJ.. based on what you have posted I do not see how your parents interventions is traumatizing. My own parents threatened to kick my brother out if they found him drinking alcohol in their house. My parents don't drink and they do not want alcohol in the house because of my younger (minor) siblings being present. I don't think an intervention like this is trauma mostly because you have a choice in whether you stop what you are doing or face the consequences.

You post about wanting a PTSD diagnosis is strange to me since I wouldn't wish it on my own worst enemy. I think you are thinking that a PTSD diagnosis will justify your behavior so you will have an excuse not to become sober. Whether you have PTSD or not is up to a professional to decide but either way you need to start dealing with your anger and the addiction you have to drugs. You really need to make a decision as to whether you are going to fight your addiction or allow it to control you instead.

I am not trying to be offensive or belittle you feelings I am just trying to show you how your posts come off to me. I wish you the best in your fight and hope one day your will be in a better place. :)

 

[JohnJacobson]

Thank you very much for all of your input. I got the answers I needed. It's hard not to make myself sound whiny, because it would be too much typing to explain the whole story, and if you don't know me (which none of you would, lol), then tones can easily be misconstrued from person to person. Same with experiences.

In terms of my recovery, I've tried 12-stepping it for years, I've put years worth of honest time into my abstinence-only recovery, and it hasn't worked. Through harm reduction, I have gotten a lot better. I still have my problems, but I am a lot better than I was.

I need my drugs. They help me get by. They are not my entire world, nor are they a significant part of my world, but they are necessary, and I do enjoy them, and they don't hurt me. I stay away from crack now, meth as well. Those drugs are bad. I try to significantly limit my benzo intake as well. Those drugs, while great in the short-term, have terrible rebound-effects, and long-term after-effects. MDMA helps me a lot, and it doesn't make me depressed or cause me any kind of mental or physical problem. Same with weed. I use DXM and codiene occasionally, but not very often, because I hate drinking caugh syrup, or drinking codiene extracted from over-the-counter A, C & C tablets.

Weed is god's gift to humanity.

I eat only healthy foods. I can't tolerate anything processed. I cook and bake all healthy, all natural foods.

I can look myself in the mirror, and know that I get up every day, and do the best that I can. Every day, I try to be the best person I can be.

Do I have PTSD? I think so. I have ALL of the symptoms, and they have persisted for almost 3 years. Nowadays, we don't need doctors to tell us what we have, or what we don't have. Any idiot with and internet connection and google can read about a disorder, and know themselves well enough to determine what symptoms they have, how long they've had them, and how much they interfere with their daily functioning.

I don't want to be supported by my parents at all, I'd rather be making my own money. The thing is, if they cut me off right now, I lose all the foundation I need to become independent. That's what happened to me before, and that's why I'm in the mess that I am in today.

In today's day and age, you can't just go out, be successful, and just make it. It's much easier said, than actually done. I struggle with a lot of physical discomfort as well. I have IBS, and ulcers. I also have ADHD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Aspergers Syndrome, all of which are officially diagnosed, and significantly affect my day-today life.

What I've realized after reading everyone's posts is this: whether I have been traumatized, or I havent, the responsibility is still on me to improve in life. Having a PTSD diagnosis is not going to change that. However, it would stop my parents from cutting me off, or significantly reduce the chances. If they cut me off, I end up homeless now, and then I'll never be independent later. Thus, the cycle continues.

If I have the disorder, which I know that I do, an official diagnosis would help a lot, because we do live in a paper-and-credential-oriented world, that only recognizes official documentation and diagnoses.

I think I need to stop beating myself and calling myself a poor little rich kid. All humans are weak, sinful, impulsive, disturbed, and ignorant at one point in their life. That's a prerequisite of being human.

It doesnt matter who we are, or where we come from - someone always has it better or worse than we do.

I also realize that I need to stand behind my own beliefs and fight for them. If I believe I've been traumatized, or I've been wronged, I shouldn't be asking a bunch of strangers for validation. I should be out righting those wrongs immediately.

I shouldn't have to ask anyone other than myself for validation. If I have to do that, then I give up my own sense of inner-validation.

My girlfriend tells me this all the time, but it's a hard lesson to wrap my head around.

We all want to blame someone else for our problems, because it means we don't have to do the work to get better. By that same token, the work we need to do to get better is extremely difficult, and energy-consuming.

Everyone has their own take of what to do in any given situation, so who am I to say my take on things is any more or less important than anyone else's.

I'm happy I have my apartment right now. I'm grateful for what I do have.

 

[The Albatross]

In terms of my recovery, I've tried 12-stepping it for years, I've put years worth of honest time into my abstinence-only recovery, and it hasn't worked. Through harm reduction, I have gotten a lot better. I still have my problems, but I am a lot better than I was.

I need my drugs. They help me get by. They are not my entire world, nor are they a significant part of my world, but they are necessary, and I do enjoy them, and they don't hurt me. I stay away from crack now, meth as well. Those drugs are bad. I try to significantly limit my benzo intake as well. Those drugs, while great in the short-term, have terrible rebound-effects, and long-term after-effects. MDMA helps me a lot, and it doesn't make me depressed or cause me any kind of mental or physical problem. Same with weed. I use DXM and codiene occasionally, but not very often, because I hate drinking caugh syrup, or drinking codiene extracted from over-the-counter A, C & C tablets.

If you took the energy and efforts into recovery that you have keeping access to your drugs, you'd make a lot of headway. As it is, it is incredibly sad to me that you have had all this feedback and your reply is to attempt justifying your financial need of a PTSD diagnosis, when apparently the other ones you do have (General Anxiety Disorder and Aspergers) are already difficult enough.

There is a 17% likelihood of co-occurring GAD/PTSD behaviors and there is no treatment at this time. In the article I read this morning the recommended intervention is learning "mindfulness". Know this: People with co-occurring behaviors (mental illness and substance abuse/addiction) have the poorest prognosis for recovery. Unless or until you deal with the addiction, you are in the most unlikely group for a "generally satisfying life". I am in that group. I have lapses and have had three relapses in about 13 years. But I have improved and I am not killing myself or numbing out... I am doing the work needed to get me to my "highest functioning level".

It is not something that can be accomplished and set aside. Recovery is something I had to consciously choose to do to arrest my symptomology for substance abuse/addiction. When the substance was removed, It took me about 3 years to begin getting clarity. Only then was I able to begin to address the "other" problem, PTSD.

God speed and I hope that one day you'll realize that there are far graver consequences than being a person who needs to learn and live a disciplined life based on well founded key principles every day to be your best self. I hope one day J.J. you'll realize that instead of fighting to remain in your behaviors, or fighting to keep your parents money rolling in, you'll abandon your effort and take up fighting for the quality of your own life. You're worth it.

Drugs are your entire world... and the perceptions you have are because you have conditioned your mind and body to be the mechanism to give your brain the drug it is fixated on. It needs, it wants. There is no way to tease out your mental health issues as long as you're practicing your addiction. It will be moot.

 

[rightkindofme]

I need my drugs. They help me get by. They are not my entire world, nor are they a significant part of my world, but they are necessary, and I do enjoy them, and they don't hurt me. I stay away from crack now, meth as well. Those drugs are bad. I try to significantly limit my benzo intake as well. Those drugs, while great in the short-term, have terrible rebound-effects, and long-term after-effects. MDMA helps me a lot, and it doesn't make me depressed or cause me any kind of mental or physical problem. Same with weed. I use DXM and codiene occasionally, but not very often, because I hate drinking caugh syrup, or drinking codiene extracted from over-the-counter A, C & C tablets.

Weed is god's gift to humanity.

If that is where you are then you have to make it through where you are. You know that these things are bad for your body. MDMA and DXM are both bad for you. Not as ragingly instantly brain frying... but bad. You are killing your brain and every time you use you reduce your later options in life. Just know that.

As long as you tell yourself you "can't" make it without your parents it will be true. I don't really approve of manipulating them or lying to them. You've gotta get on your own. I know it is hard--I really do. I grew up in poverty. I got out at 18. Depends on how badly you want/need it.

I wish you a lot of luck. Your journey will be hard.